Should I not have my hen?

Okay, I'm going to try and be brief.

I wanted a joint birthday (25th) and hen party on my birthday, which is April.

Friends convinced me no, they should be separate, and hen should be July.

Mixed gender hen party was decided.

Friend - male - S, asked for all invitee names and said he would organise us going away in a cottage.

Months later, nothing was arranged. Stress.

So, I messaged everyone and asked availability. July wasn't happening, only 1st week in June works. 

I live up north and wanted us to play outside for a weekend - June is a lot less nice weather.

But fine, this could work. But...

I have two friends. One is a guy, A, who I've been v good friends with since age 16. The other is H, who I met when she started going out with him. We've been friends a couple of years, and hang out a lot.

A and H have been together and split up twice. A ended it this time, and H has a new bf. I am friends with A and H still.


H won't come to the hen if her new bf, J, can't come. J is nice, but I didn't invite him because he's not really my friend (yet) and I think it's rude when A was my sort of 'primary' friend.

A says he'll come if H comes, but may leave if it's too upsetting - this is without mention of new bf coming. But, he broke up with her, and doesn't want to get back together with her. So... 

I suggested H didn't come and she and I go on a spa day or something instead, as I've never been on one and think of all friends she would enjoy it. 

She instead called up A and said she wanted to bring J. A apparently said okay, he'd cope, but now has gone radio-silent on me.

I don't want J to come, but I don't really want H not to come and be upset. And A is doing a speech in place of my dad (who's dead), so that shows how important he is to me.

I've mentioned to other friends that I just want to cancel the whole thing, but they are telling me not to. I feel bad to dangle a hen in front of people and then cancel, but this whole thing is stressing me out and I don't want to lose A or H at the end of it. Hence why I thought keeping them separate was a better idea, but the two of them won't agree to that, at the same time telling me how awful and upsetting it's going to be to spend time around each other. Which I get, I do, but I can't win.

Would you just cancel? Most of my friends have moved away, so it's not like I could have little mini get togethers with them, I don't have the time or the money.

Like I say, I don't like being centre of attention so it's not like I think a hen is super important, but I'm aware I only want to marry once so won't get another chance. I feel awful about the whole thing. 


  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Hens are so tricky, and I never expected them to be!

    Have the hen, surely they are going to see each other at the wedding anyway so this isn't any different? Surely they can both be mature enough to have a nice time and put on a brave face for you?

    Alternatively, if you're going away and they really cannot stand to be in the same room, could you do one event say on the Friday night or Saturday day time and have A&J come, and another thing on Saturday night and have H come? Something where they can choose to avoid each other if they must?


  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Thanks LauraPJ - yes they'll be at the wedding, but kept faaar apart in seating arrangements, and J, the new bf, is just coming to the reception (as most people's newer partners are due to capacity). 

    That may be an option though, I didn't think of splitting A onto one day and H&J onto another... shall have a think xx

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    For what it is worth I think H is being really childish and selfish. Know you don't want to upset her but the fact that it is multi gender doesn't mean it is a complete free for all?! I would speak to her and say that you don't really want J there and that you will understand if she feels that she can't go either and go back to the spa day idea. xx

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Thanks Toad Bride. I don't want to be unfair on H - she says her anxiety's a real problem around A and she wants J there, but I have anxiety too and this is giving me palpitations... (And I'm the bride, I do think occasionally...) 

    OH is having hen do organisation problems too, and I'm wondering if she and I should just sack the whole hen thing off and go away somewhere together instead. 


  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    I really do think that if things are that bad then she should just bow out entirely. I am not making light of her anxiety issues at all but clearly they aren't bad enough such she was able to phone A and discuss the whole issue - to me that is pretty huge! Guess my next question is really how important to you is having a hen party? xx

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    It's not all that important, but I just keep thinking - you only get one, you only get one... 

    Plus I wouldn't want to disappoint friends by not having one, but I think they may on the whole be relieved to save the cash given they'll be travelling for the wedding in August. 

    I'm really leaning towards cancelling the thing, the *only* thing stopping me is I don't have any birthday plans this year and know I won't spend much time with friends at the wedding. 

    I think I just needed to put all this down because I feel a bit upset about it. Not that I might not have one, but that friends I hoped would get something sorted have let me down. 


  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    I think that is kinda where I am coming from - that really your friends should be able to get over themselves or be the bigger person because it is your hen and not really about them! I think you should go ahead with it - both birthday and hen doo are big things and you shouldn't feel like your only way to avoid hassle is to cancel. Put yourself in their position - you would want to do what you could to be sure that your friend enjoyed herself - even if you were going to be uncomfortable or in fact - not even in attendance! xx

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Thanks Toad Bride. I'm feeling a bit tired and teary, I just wanted to feel special for a day with my friends and I feel let down by S, by H, and by A. 

    Have you got a hen sorted, anyway? image


  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    It will get sorted lovely - leave them to it and take some deep breaths and have a large glass of something cold!

    I'm going away in a couple of weeks with a few really close pals and then having a meal in home city with my Mum etc. in May time. My BM has done really well with getting everyone organised - she seems to thrieve on it so as far as I am aware there have not been any issues... But I am not the greatest fan of hen parties so it was that way or no way! xx

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Oh that sounds really lovely, I hope you have a wonderful time! image

    Yes I think a talllll glass of wine is in order this evening...


  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Good girl. A rant can sometimes make the world of difference to a situation! xx

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    So, with some tears, I cancelled the hen. I wasn't getting any support on it from friends and I couldn't keep arguing over it. Pretty upset but just trying to shake it off. Sod them. x

  • Aww thats a shame. I must admit Im nto planning on having a hen either, I just cant be bothered with the stress of it all and I have so many different groups of friends. Instead Im going to go to a spa with a close friend and then may have a couple of low key (no sashes and plastic willy strawsimage  ) nights out...just a pub or meal, but not officially a hen.

    I hope you feel better about all this soon x

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Thanks Trouble and Strife. I'm sure I will, just... ugh right now! I cancelled on Sat and it's taken this long to say I have, I was so bummed! That sounds nice for yours x

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Sorry to hear that amy - hope your "friends" are feeling suitably horrendous! Make sure you plan something lovely for the next wee while with someone who can act like an adult and won't just be thinking about themselves - your OH sounds like a good candidate to me for that what job! Remember what goes around comes around so when these friends are organising a wedding or big event there will surely be an awkward and self obsessed twit to cause a whole world of angst! Cheer up lovely xx

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