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Hen do troubles, feeling let down!

Hi all,

im im getting married this October abroad. I wanted to have my Hen do in August because I'm moving from Leeds to London at the start of September.

Anyway, I asked my sister 1 to plan my hen. She said yes but I found out she was organising her friends hen who is getting married the month before I am. My sister 1 was moaning to people that she was stressed and it was too much. So I asked my sister 2 to plan it. She said yes. So I gave her a list of names, numbers, dates that we're suitable and activities i would like to do so she wasn't stuck for ideas.

i asked her at Christmas how things were going. She said she's busy at the moment but is going to start organising the hen in January. my friends still hadn't heard from my sister in February so I asked sister 2 how she was getting on with planning. She moaned at me and felt like I was pestering her, she promised it was getting organised. 

I called my mum up today and said im worried about the hen do. It's 4 1/2 months away now and nothing has been organised. My mum said she would speak to my sister, I didn't want to speak to her incase she felt like I was pestering her.

I got this text after my mum spoke to sister 2)

Charlene I said I'd organise your hen party and I meant it. I thought it would b nice for your sisters to organise it for you but you would obv prefer your friend to do it. It's 5months away which is plenty of time to organise something. Just get your friend to do it

im really upset about this. a friend of mine offered to organise the hen in January. I said no cos my sister is doing it. I don't know why she thinks I would prefer my friend to do it, I've never even mentioned it to my sister. 

I'm worried about the time. Most of my friends are students and need time to get the money up for the hen. They're all going to be moving in July so have moving expenses. I've told my sister and mum that I'm juat going to forget the whole thing but this has really upset me. I feel really let down. I'm honestly not a bridezilla, I've only approached my sister 3 times about the hen including when my mum done it on my behalf today. I'm so laid back I even let my bridesmaids pick their dresses 

i honestly don't know what to do and need to get over the fact I'm not going to have a hen and stop crying. It was more than a hen for me though, because I'm getting married abroad so many people won't be there for the wedding so this was the chance for everyone to get together. I'm from London, been living in Leeds for 3 years so have friends all over the country and need time flr costs to travel to the hen from where they live.

image xx


  • Rcl-09Rcl-09 Posts: 49

    Hi, I guess this is not very traditional but this is what I would do personally...

    Have a look online at the places you fancy and choose the best one, then look for a good priced and nice hotel in August (i'm guessing you wanted to go somewhere over night or for a weekend)

    Then I'd choose the date and send a group text to all friends saying this is the date and price of hotel (activities & travel not included - prices for those later) please let me know asap if you're coming image

    Then in a couple of days when people have had chance to send you a bit of money etc for a hotel just book it! It doesn't really matter that you booked the hotel yourself? If its 2 or 3 in each room then you can get some really well priced nice places.

    Then your sisters/friends can plan what your going to do while your there... activities, night out, meal etc. As there's not so much of a rush to sort those out - once your there you will all have a great time whatever you do.

    At least you will know then who is coming for sure and when it is. Then you won't need to worry about it anymore image xx

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Hi Charlene,

    I can sympathise, my BMs said they would organise the hen and have been talking about it for months but nothing was getting sorted. I gave them the list of girls I wanted to invite (which was only 10 including me so I was keen for everyone to come) just after Christmas and they have literally only just asked people and set the date a couple of days ago. 4months to the wedding, 2.5 til the hen!

    All the hen parties I've been on have been organised months in advance so people have had time to budget and pay in installments etc. I didn't want an expensive hen anyway (no weekends away etc) as I know a lot of my friends don't have a lot of money, but people still like to know what's going on early, especially when it's the summer and people have other weddings and hens and festivals and things.

    I REALLY didn't want to nag them about it as I wanted them to want to do it and not feel pressured into having to do it. They are all very busy with their own things going on though and I really get the impression it's more of a hassle for them than a joy. In the end I expressed to just one of them that I was worried nobody would be able to come at such sort notice. Luckily it did the trick and at least we now have a date in place (although I'm pretty sure they haven't thought about what were going to do and won't til last minute). Leaving it so late to plan has meant two girls can't come and also that the hen is 7 weeks before the wedding which feels really quite early to me and isn't ideal but at least I'm having one! I've decided to let go and not expect much and that way I won't be disappointed. In some ways I wish I'd sorted it myself, but I have enough on my plate and if I'm really honest, I thought my friends would want to do it as a nice surprise for me, as I would for them.

    I think you should sort out a date with all your friends and family, and then let a friend or sister plan the rest - if they want to. If not, just go for it yourself and plan a nice dinner and drinks or something.

    I think with hens, we've got to remember that to us our weddings are really soon and we're used to being in constant planning mode. For everyone else it's not as big a deal and I think people think it's going to be as straightforward as just planning a regular night out. Also hen and stag do's have become these really built-up big blow-outs with high expectations and crazy activities and a lot of money spent thanks to American bachelor/bachelorette parties. I think there is a lot of pressure on people to throw someone an amazing hen party that everyone will be talking about and better than everyone elses etc. Once you take the pressure off it's much easier to have a nice day/evening.

    That said, I have been on some lovely hens for other friends where we've gone to the country for a weekend and done all sorts of lovely things (at a cost of course). I'd be lying if I didn't say a part of me is a little sad that they aren't doing that for me, but at the end of the day it is much more important to me that all my friends are there (so I'm very sad two can't come now) and I'd rather just hang in a beer garden with my besties than have a crazy blow out weekend without the people that mean a lot to me.

    Just get a date sorted and don't expect too much and the rest will fall into place. You can have an amazing time with the right friends whatever you do or don't do x

  • Hi, i really do sympathise with you and i think maybe speaking to your sister face to face might help?

    She probably hasnt done anything on purpose to hurt your feelings. Maybe as a starting point you could help figure out a date thats good for everyone and then suggest a location? then at least the main parts are sorted but your sister still feels like she can organise the smaller more meaningful parts?

    it will all work out in the end whatever you end up doing and youill have a great time as you'll be with all of your friends x

  • Purple rainPurple rain Posts: 926

    I had the same but with my friends, in the end I organised it. Job done. Didn't have to pester anyone. Sometimes they say. If you want something doing, do it yourself . 

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    As Purple Rain has said - I think I would do it myself! 

    I have 2 bridesmaids, one who lives close to me, the other doesn't. The one who lives close to me was saying she wanted to go abroad for a week! Which would have been great but I knew that no-one would have the money to do this, least of all her!

    So we set about talking about dates and 2 came up so I thought right, let's get it sorted as time is ticking on so I messaged people on Facebook about a date preference, one date was mentioned as more suitable than the other so it was job done.

    She knows that I want a meal out followed by drinks so not much to organise!

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    My bridesmaid only sorted mine 2 months before hand, and its about a month before the wedding.

    I think any brides to be wanting their hen organised in advance should just get the date and accommodation locked down themselves, relying on the others seems to cause more stress than it is worth.

    Personally the day my bridesmaids confirmed their plan with me I was planning on telling them I will sort it out!

  • katyjanekatyjane Posts: 71

    I have just cancelled mine this evening, it's been more hassle than the wedding. I hope yours get sorted out as i am feeling pretty disappointed x

  • It seems hen do's are the most stressful part of weddings. I'm having 2, I nearly gave up but my best friend and bridesmaid gigged everyone up and its all sorted no problems. the local one I am having to include older family members. i.e mums is a complete disaster and I wish I'd kept to planning that one myself as well. I see no problem with taking charge that way it will be how you want it to be.

  • gina ggina g Posts: 397

    I also planned it myself, picked a place, found an apartment and train costs etc and then invited my friends / family who I wanted there through a Facebook event which I set up.  Then I got those who said yes to send me their deposits and payments. It worked really well and you can always get your sisters etc to help / organize some of the finer details??   Good luck and have a great hen do image x

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