In-law issues!

So last week OH went to see his dad who dropped a bombshell that he is thinking of only staying at the wedding for an hour as he is unhappy about who is marrying us. FIL has previously mentioned he felt he didnt know what was happening with the wedding, so at Christmas we were chatting about it and I mentioned about the person marrying us has a bit of a shady past- something i found out when googling for reviews. This did not affect me in any way- we had already met with him, paid our deposit and he had done the first draft of our script for the ceremony- i was very happy with having him marry us. I naively thought that others would share the same views- i used the story as a talking point and of a bit of a fun fact. 

When telling me this, OH also said that he had an issue with it, but had not told me as he did not want to upset me, he felt I had my heart set on things and would be unwilling to change. To say I was upset was an understatement. I did not want to give in to his dad, I felt he was being very childish and to make such a big deal of something which in effect had no impact on him or his enjoyment of our wedding. But OH and I spoke about changing things, but I was very angry. I have been doing most of the planning and felt OH was happy about this. I told him if he wants to change things, then its him that's doing the work. I have done too much to just go back on decisions and starting again. He can do my job and take over. 

I confided in my parents about it, who were very concerned. Not only was there no communication to OH to me about things that he was unhappy about, they were suspicious to FIL saying the things he did over an issue, my parents agree, is very small and trivial. They think that he has other things on his mind that he must have issue with to say he will only be there for an hour- OH is his only son. 

As I said, this was last week. I wanted OH to go over right away to talk to him about it, but he has been dragging his heels. He has also not done anything about changing who is going to marry us. I'm the type of person who wants to sort an issue as soon as it arises, I don't want to wait and see if it blows over. I refuse to see or speak to his dad until I have more information. I will end up making it worse by being completely honest with my feelings, something which will not go down too well with his dad (just the type of person he is). And now, OH is also reluctant to speak to me about it. I know he is upset by the thought his dad will not stay for the whole day, and whenever I bring up the topic he just says he will deal with it. 

To add to things, his sister - who knew about the issues his dad had long before us- is now saying that OH's mum is feeling she is not being involved (his parents are divorced). This makes no sense to me at all, as we see each other frequently and she knows EVERYTHING we have been doing. My mum thinks they need something to do, but as this point I really don't have anything they can help with. 

I just feel everything was going so well and now I just don't know how to deal with his family and their issues... 

Posts

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    (((((((((( hugs ))))))))))

    Your h2b needs to step up and talk to his dad, and as for his sister saying his mum doesn't feel involved I would just ignore it, I bet involved means not causing as much drama as her ex!

  • Thanks herstory, 

    I think the hardest thing is for OH to speak to his dad. His dad is so fiercefully protective over his family, but isn't the easiest person to speak to. He is so blunt and matter of fact. OH doesn't stand up to his dad at all, and it has crossed my mind that OH had issue with who was marrying us just because his dad does. I would not have changed it for FIL, but I want to make OH happy so will be open to change plans for him. 

    I just want it sorted, this is all I have been thinking about since it was brought up and I cant move past it until i know more about whats going on inside his head.. 

  • Alex5Alex5 Posts: 290

    Is it really bad enough for you to need to change everything or can you slowly and gently talk OH round? FIL is ruining it for himself, I bet when the day comes he will stay, he wouldn't want to miss out on his only sons wedding. I know what you mean, I like to sort everything straight away!! Sending hugs, try to keep calm xxx

  • Well, if I had known the things about the guy marrying us- I would have been suspicious and potentially not chosen him. As it was after we had met him, we knew the person first and he is a lovely guy who seems so passionate about what he does. FIL has not met him, so I can understand his initial feelings but I don't understand that there is no trust that we chose who is best for us. basically saying your chosing me or your celebrant. Obviously, this all changed when OH also said he had an issue too, and to my knowledge FIL was not aware of OH having the same concerns. 

     

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Just sit him down and tell him you want it to be his day too and does he wasn't too change the celebrant? It's really hard but even if his dad is pulling the strings on this is it worth putting your h2b through the stress of his dad not being there?

    I get where your coming from completely, but if his default is to defer to his dad changing that will cause a lot of stress.

    To be honest his dad sounds like a bully rather than protective, could you imagine what some of the brides to be would say if a mil2b was doing this.

    I will say I would have thought your h2b would have said something to you before I'd it bothered him. I am the loud human stream roller in our relationship but if h2b cars about something he will speak up, or at least look at me in a certain way which prompted me to ask what's wrong.

    He may just need a few days to process everything, which I know will drive you crazy, like you I like to sort things out asap.

  • We did sit down and have a chat about it - lots of tears on my part. I told him I felt betrayed, we booked this guy 5 months before and this was the first we had heard of it. I felt concerned about other things he might be thinking that he feels he is unable to tell me for fear of me being upset. I was completely honest about what my thoughts were on his dad, I told him that if it wasn't OH that was having an issue too there would be no way I would be trying to please his dad. 

    And yes, FIL is a bully and I really don't feel very confident around him. I'd like to think I would be able to tell him my true feelings, but that really would not help at all in the slightest, he would not take well to criticism. 

    And actually thinking back now, it was over two weeks ago this all started. OH had said he would speak to FIL last weekend about it, and it never happened. So its been over 2 weeks and we're still stuck at the start. 

  • If your husband to be isn't comfortable with the person marrying you, then do you really want the plough ahead for the sake of the extra work? I would hate to think that I was marrying someone whilst they were unhappy with the situation. Can you change? 

    I know he should have told you sooner, but he was probably hoping it was something he could come to terms with. Father in law issues aside, the day is about the two of you committing your lives to each other and the way that particular part of the day happens really needs to be the thing your both happy with

    Try not to be too hard on him for not telling you straight away. 

  • Hi MrsH, no we're not ploughing ahead. When we talked, I made it clear to OH that if he wants to change then it's going to be him that does the work involved with it. I said that my heart wasn't set on the person marrying us- to me it isn't a big issue. I'm happy that I am marrying my OH, but to me I'm not bothered who is our celebrant. 

    But I am doing the majority of the work for the wedding. I'm the one arranging meetings, asking the questions, emailing back and forth the changes to the script and for the OH to wait until all that has been done to say he wants to change it has made me think that everything I did was for nothing. So the condition was, I'm fine to change it, but I'm not going through all that work again- he needs to take on the responsibility. 

    Since the chat, he hasn't done any of the work. I also said it was down to him to tell our current celebrant that we don't require his services anymore which also hasn't been done. I feel his attitude is that we will just wait and see what happens, making me think that he really isn't as bothered as he said he was about it. Perhaps just going along with what his dad is saying to keep him happy. But he isn't going to be kept happy because there hasn't been anything changed yet.. 

  • I think that's fair. If he's really bothered about it then he should do the donkey work. If he's not interest in doing that, he can't be too bothered! Sorry - it sounds like such a hassle! 

  • oh please tell us wot the guy has done to make your fil have a problem,thinking allsorts here, is he a peado,thief, ex stripper, rapist, alcoloholic druggie it needs to be bad if he is going to not been there.

    why cant he just come to the reception if he has issues with the celebrant?

  • The celebrant is an ex drug dealer. Nothing major! And it's not as though FIL has deep moral issues! He's a heavy drinker, swears loads and is a smoker. I couldn't in a million years think he would have such an issue with an ex-drug dealer as the celebrant. 

    As a short update- OH spoke to his dad on the phone today- for the second time he was planning to go round FIL told him not to bother as he is going to the pub. Fair enough, obviously there's no rush for him to sort out his issues. OH emailed another celebrant to see if he is available- so therefore he thinks that it's all sorted out. We haven't booked him, met with him or paid a deposit but he's set on changing to him and told his dad this. According to OH- he seemed a bit happier about it. But I'm still convinced that this isn't the end of things.. 

  • oh dear so i can understand the older generation being a bit meh about him! Let your OH sort it switch off and let hm deal with his dad. I doubt very much he would miss his only sons wedding just to make a stand against this man, this man wont even know!

    And why say he will on ly stay an hour, this man wonr be at the rest of the day so hes being a twit.

    dont worry it will sort it self out xxx

  • Thanks Marquee 2016. I really hope I can switch off, i'd love to just let him deal with it all. He has said he will go see him this week, but I'm sick of thinking that it'll happen and all be sorted out as that's twice already he has said he will go and see him and it's been put off. Thanks so much for all the advise and comments ladies! Really glad that it's not just my crazy bride brain making a big deal over nothing. I hope it's something I can look back on and realise that it was all nothing though. xx

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