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Hi,

Sorry, just needing a place to vent about this. Today we had our engagement party and as expected, everyone was asking about the wedding, what we've planned, etc. I'm so over-the-top excited about everything that I've been happy to share everything we've planned so far. My aunt was asking me about my bridesmaids and asked if I had any ideas of their dresses and colour, etc. Without even thinking (because it's no big secret and she's my family) I told her that they are going to be red. Then she said, 'Oh, that's great, I wanted to know to make sure J (her granddaughter) gets the same colour dress so that she can match and blend in with them. I've been looking at dresses already but didn't want to buy one until I knew the colour to get' ??! My other aunt then asked her if J was going to be a flowergirl and she said no, but she wants to make sure she blends in and looks like one!

I spoke to my mum and brother later who said that last time they saw my aunt, she had been dropping big hints about her granddaughter being a flowergirl or bridesmaid. This has never even been a possibility or consideration- H2B's niece is our flowergirl and we've got 6 adult bridesmaids and I have met her granddaughter once. When my aunt's daughter (J's mum) got married she was horrible to me, came up to my room the night before the wedding demanding to see what I planned to wear and saying that I better not try to upstage her (I'm not that type of person at all so I don't get how she would even think that). During the actual wedding the photographer suggested to my sister that she should consider going into modelling, so my aunt's daughter refused to speak to her the rest of the day!? We've got over it all now but I just don't see any reason why J would be part of my wedding. I've nothing against the wee girl and none of this is her fault but she's not part of my life in any way really, she doesn't even live in the same country and I haven't seen her since she was a baby.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is really out of order?? Don't get me wrong, if someone turns up in red without knowing or realising that that's what the bridesmaids are wearing then that wouldn't bother me, but actually making the point of getting a dress the same colour so they look like they are in the wedding party?? It's actually made me really angry. I'm going to try to maybe try to slip something in next time I see her, like make a point of saying that I don't want other people to wear the same colour as the bridesmaids but make out as if I'm saying it about other people who might be thinking about it. I'm hoping that will be enough but she seems so set on making her granddaughter part of the wedding that I'm not sure if it will be. Here's hoping...

 

Posts

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    I think she's being daft and personally I think it's a way to get you yo ask her to be a Flower girl. I wouldn't worry about hints, just tell her outright you don't want her turning up in red as it will upstage the actual Flower Girl. She can't say she wasn't told then! Does it matter, in the great scheme, if she doesn't like it? She'll know she's being unreasonable deep down so don't let her project her feelings on to you and more importantly don't let her feelings get to you. Suggest perhaps that she has red accessories eg shoes/sash/head band maybe as a compromise? Dont  forget, we choose how we react to daft behaviour - it's her issue, don't let it spoil your planning. Good luck. 

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    I think its fair enough you are unhappy about your aunt trying to force her into the bridal party. But will she be in any of the formal photographs? This will make it obvious that she is not part of you plans. Also there are lots of different shades.

    There are a couple of ways you could react; tell her that you don't want her granddaughter in red, change the colour or leave it as she wont be in the formal photos.If you are making a order of service or a website you could state who is who if you want to make it clear- but not sure it would be worth it.

    I would make sure your friends/family don't tell them the exact dress your flower girl is wearing tho, as that would be weird.

  • Oh my goodness! I am livid for you! Our theme was also red....I was only going to have one bridesmaid, my best friend and my rock. We had a small wedding...16 of us (including a dog), I didn't want any kids there, but my husband wanted his cousin as one of his best men (he had two) and I knew it would mean he would bring his daughter, so I thought right deal with it........when he asked him, first words were can said child be a flower girl? (Kid you not) and I said no, sorry but I have godchildren and they aren't coming so no. So that was that.

    then I had vision, well so did husband....she loves Minnie mouse.....so I said if she turns up in red, she won't be in any photos....so husband sent an email to ask diet requirements and ask who wanted rooms and put on the bottom, as you know the theme is red, and with it being such an intimate wedding, please could guests refrain from wearing colour and also MOB and MOG are wearing these colours. 

    So I feel your pain.....really think you need to speak to your aunt, either tell her outright that she cannot wear red....or in invites put a card (maybe just their side lol) to say your theme is red, therefore guests are asked to refrain from wearing any shade of red....this is reserved for principal wedding party members, or something like that, but as I say just put it in who she would talk to lol. Would your mum speak to her for you....would that be less of a thing for her?

    X

  • SongbirdsingsSongbirdsings Posts: 1,290

    Ooh, I'd be so cross! What a bloody nerve! She sounds like the sort of person that won't take a hint....I think she will have to be told straight! Would your mum perhaps do it? I'd feel tempted to make her want to feel a bit stupid by saying something like it's poor wedding etiquette to try to make the child look like part of the formal wedding party when she clearly is not.  Get your mum to tell her you will be most offended? All the other points made above are valid (re photos, inclusion on the day)...... But it would still bug me! 

  • PoppinsPoppins Posts: 3,146

    It's bugging me that my FMIL has ordered a dress in the same colour as my BMs!!! Xxx

  • FutureMrsKFutureMrsK Posts: 234

    I would talk to her and say that you don't want her to put the girl in the same colour, just be honest or put it in the invites I'm tempted to put no black or white in mine. As for excluding the girl if she is in red I wouldn't do that. I've been that little girl that was left out of photos and not allowed to play with the other girls (photos were being taken) because my mum put me in the colour by accident and I still remember crying to my mum not understanding why. 

  • moonpiemoonpie Posts: 166

    I don't think my mum would say anything  outright to my aunt, it's her brother's wife, although I think that if it came down to it she would say something to my uncle and I think he would be able to say to her. Otherwise I was thinking of having my other uncle (my mum's other brother) have a word as he is very outspoken but because it's just what he's like no one ever takes it personally, whereas coming from us they might.

    My mum is peeved about it too because, and I never knew this before, when my aunt married my uncle, me and my siblings were about 4-8years old, and apparently my aunt involved all of the nieces and nephews on her side of the family in the wedding in some way but no one on my uncle's side of the family was in the wedding despite us all being really close with my uncle. No fuss was made over it and it wasn't made into a big deal, but my mum is really annoyed that she expects us to have her granddaughter in our wedding now. As I said, I didn't even know this before so it's nothing to do with why the girl isn't part of the wedding party but it's just a bit of a cheek.

    There's plenty of time til the wedding as it's not until next year so i'll make sure I get it in one way or another.

    I don't know if I'd want to put it in the invites, but I might even send a generic text round (or just to herimage ) saying somehing like 'I hate to be really cheeky, but could people please avoid wearing red on the day if possible as that's what the bridesmaids will be wearing'. I don't know why I feel that would be much different to putting it in the invite but I just feel like if it's coming from me directly rather than via an invite, I might be able to put it across better?

  • moonpiemoonpie Posts: 166

    Kimberley, I think an email, like your husband did, could work as well.

  • Yeah it really did work, she was in purple and green lol! I think for us it was more the fact it was such an intimate wedding...I wouldn't have had her in photos for her to look like a flower girl, though in all fairness she was only in two photos haha. 

    I really think you need to nip it in the bud.

    most people know when they see the invite what colour theme it is but it's when you get invites and they aren't anything to do with the colour people then buy a pretty dress it their kids and they are in the wrong colour...I always ask the colour so we wouldn't clash or wear wrong colour. 

    Weddings really do bring the worst (and best) out in people...because we had an intimate wedding my uncle disowned me.

    xx

  • MrsLJC2bMrsLJC2b Posts: 451

    I chose two flower girls and my cousin dressed the flower girls' sister in the same dress, so in the end I had her toddling down the aisle before the bridal party. It was unexpected until the day but it didn't really bother me as she was only little. The only thing that concerned me was that my usher had a little girl the same age, so he must of wondered why I didn't include his little girl!! 

    However I can see how it's a little different for you. I would truly try and avoid bringing it up as fights with family are really not worth it.

    Is there another little role you could give her? Maybe taking the guestbook around for everyone to sign in the evening (a good idea as hardly anyone signed mine!). You could suggest she wears white to be a 'mini bride' and then she'll still feel important & the aunt will be happy without you finding you have an extra bridesmaid you didn't want image

  • KH2BKH2B Posts: 1,216

    I think a generic text or even a note in the invites would be a good idea, that way everyone knows not to wear red and if she puts her granddaughter in red everyone will know she's done it on purpose and not be too pleased with her. She's less likely to get away with doing it if everyone knows not to wear red.

  • moonpiemoonpie Posts: 166

    Thanks for all the replies.

    Mrs LJC2B, you're a much bigger person than I am. If it was done by mistake or  if it was someone I had a better relationship with then it wouldn't bother me so much. I know it's terrible, but I wouldn't really want the girl to be involved in the wedding other than as a guest. I have other little cousins (2 of whom are more like little brothers as I lived with them for years) who so far don't have a role in the wedding and who I would far rather were doing things like that.

    I understand that my aunt probably just wants her granddaughter to feel special, but being invited to a wedding and dressing up for it is special in itself for a young girl. I know when I was younger I was always really excited just to be going to a wedding and putting on a fancy dress. I know it's about making the granddaughter the centre of attention for the day, she is an only child and is spoiled rotten and my aunt's daughter was exactly the same. My aunt's grandaughter is the sort of child who gets presents on other people's birthdays so that she doesn't need to see someone else getting something without getting something herself. I don't even care about being the centre of attention myself but I feel quite protective of H2B's niece as it's her day as a flowergirl as well.  I work with children around that age and I think that all children should be made to feel special and important so I wouldn't leave her out of anything but it's really not healthy or good for them to constantly be made the centre of attention either so I feel quite strongly about not having her involved.

    I don't think it would go down too well with my aunt if I said to her face-to-face. I think she would get over it but it would cause a bit of tension between the family which I don't want as my uncle is really close to my mum. I think I will probably go down the route of mentioning it in the texts, email or a separate note in the invites. I probably wouldn't put them in all of them though, maybe just that side of the family.

  • i under stand your concern about this sitution as others have said previously there are many shades of red you my even change your mind when shopping i would give this aunt mimimimal information she will be made to look like a idot when you put the request around if you do decide red and ask no one else to wear that colour, or you could tell a lie let slip you have changed your mind but the truth is you did not your girls wore red you changed your mind again.

  • CD0412CD0412 Posts: 144

    I've just come across this and had an idea...... Send her completely off the scent and tell her that the colour scheme is..... yellow with dashes of pink (or something like that!) so that she's thrown off the scent! Make sure the invites are nice and neutral so she can't guess the colour scheme and hey presto, she comes in a pink or yellow dress when the bm's are in red.... PROBLEM SOLVED!! image Good luck!! image xx

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