Can you uninvited guest

Hello everyone,

I need some advice. Me and my other half decided to cut our guest list to have the venue we loved. I have cut people's +1 as would rather have the people that mean something to me then someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I also cut a few cousins from the day and all second cousins bar two.

My save the dates went out last year and can hostley say the guest list hasn't changed since. 

However my cousin got a new boyfriend shortly after the save the dates went out. I have not include him on the actual invertation as I have never met him and it cost about £100per a head if you include day/evening food and wine. This cousin that has a new bf if the person I made an acception for to bring her kids and only invited them as I knew she would kick off not because I want them there.

Yesterday my auntie (her mum) starting messaging asking if he was invited as his name was not on the invite.  I was very polite and said due to numbers and cost I can't afford to pay for someone I never met. 

She kept going on and was being pretty nasty to me. I informed her not all my cousins got an invite and no second cousin bar her children did get invited however she was not satisfied.

She went on about how would I feel if thy didn't invite my partner to a family event. At this point I stated it was not a family event it is my wedding. Her classing it as a family gwt together annoyed me as it shows she doesn't actually care about why I'm getting married.

My auntie then put a couple of bitchy Facebook status saying I don't care about her daughters feeling and then about how he's disappointed with her family and how I shouldn't past judgement on someone I havent met.

This annoyed me as I had considered her daughters feelings and not once judged him just said he couldn't come. She is being really childish over the matter. Most people have asked then went told no have been like okay.

I feel she is creating drama, something I don't wish to have at my wedding. Also I feel she doesn't care about me or my feelings/the actual marriage.

I don't want her, her daughter or her kids there. Can I uninvite them/ how?

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  • Lynsey ShawLynsey Shaw Posts: 517

    Yup.  I have uninvited several people.  If they are making your life hell, off the guest list they go.  In fact, I would wager that it will cause a massive blow up and then a million apologies.  That tends to be how these things go!

  • How dd you uninvite them?

  • Is this aunt on your mum or dad's side?

    Assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, you should speak to them about it first and let your parent give them a royal bollocking. The power dynamic between siblings is more equal than between aunts and nieces.

    Bear in mind that this might not be all your cousin - there's a chance that her mum is just kicking up a fuss.

    If this isn't possible, then - in all honesty - I would ring your aunt, and tell her you are fed up with her complete lack of manners, her absolute lack of class posting face book statuses about the situation, and her inability to mentally process the fact that her daughter is already getting special treatment, and you are in no way obliged to invite someone you have never met to your own goddamn wedding.

    Then give her two options:

    * That she grow up, shut up and deal with it

    * That she and her daughter don't come to the wedding at all. With or without this person.

     

    Then again, I should point out that I am not a very tolerant person, and if someone was behaving like this, I wouldn't care about losing future ties with them.

    Alternatively you can just send them a letter saying "due to a chance in circumstance we regret that we are unable to accomodate you at the wedding. Regrets, X", then just completely ignore all their calls.

     

  • But seriously, get the related parent to step in beforehand,

  • Its my mums sister and I have told her everything and sent her all the messages of what's been said. She told me to do what I want to do as it's my wedding. So that's not an issue. 

    Would I have to how her a reason why I haven't choose to take we off the guest list? And I'm I better to do it on the phone or by letter?

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    i would just say well i dont want this BF to feel left out or have any tension on the day so its easier to univite you all rater than just one person. you obviously dont feel you can be apart from this person for a day therefore you no longer have to

    possibly a bit mean but its what i would say. you could write the letter then  its in black and white, then say any further questions call me. but if u just call then u run the risk of them lying/changing what u said and telling people the wrong facts

  • I was thinking a letter would be more formal but dont want to look like a coward. 

  • SW84SW84 Posts: 992

    How awful & childish of your auntie !!!

    Weddings are expensive and i think it unacceptable for her to say 'how would you feel' err when planning a wedding with a budget and ppl who you have never met a line has to be drawn - who's to say she'll even still be with this guy in a years time !!!

    I've just taken some plus 1s off my list because we are looking at £115 per head and me & oh have never met them so why should we pay for someone we've never met & it wont change our day if they are there or not.

    Im glad youve decided to un invite them, i'd do the same, i'd be like well if thats your attitude towards me & my wedding then i'd prefer you all not to come.

    I'd just say something along the lines of due to unforseen circumstances we've now had to rebudget our wedding & guest list and just invite them to the evening.

    good luck

    x

  • Here what I have drafted 

    How does this sound:
    Dear X,

    I regret to tell you that yourself, H, D, G and A are no longer invited to my wedding.

    You have no empathy towards my financial situation. Everyone bar yourself has been very understand where cuts have been made. You on the other hand had a go at me and was very nasty about me. You have not considers my feelings at all.

    You have not even attempted to apologies for those bitchy statuses that are clearly aimed at me. I know you deleted them and probably say you didn't post them but I screen shot them so don't bother.

    Your clearly are not happy for me and my partner making a commitment to one another and are more concerned about making a scene over something so minor.

    Your suppose to be my aunty, I would never in a million years upset Libby and Rachel in the way you have upset me.

    Please do take it out on my mum as this is nothing to do with her and I don't want it to change your relationship.

    But for these reason I don't want you to attend.

    Clare & Jennifer

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    i think  it sounds good to get it out, however i think sending that might cause more tension and arguments it also doesnt portray you in the best light....

    how about not wanting to offend one person, so due to budgets the choice is either x turns up without y and z or none of you turn up. im not sure if u realise how ur behaviour has affected me and how its has been so negative and hurtful. but i think its for the best that you be uninvited to stop this situation from escalating etc?

    im just worried that if u make it too personal and too much blaming them that other people might not take you in a good light and id hate for them to get sympathy. make it a bit more vague and if they want to question it then they can call etc

  • I agree with hydrogirl, I think its probably done you good to let it all out, but I wouldnt go ahead and send that email as it could possibly cause irrevocable damage.

    I would go along the lines of

    Dear XXX

    Unfortunately due a change in cirumstances and financial constraints we have had to rescind some of the invites to our wedding. XXXX being amongst them. We had hoped to share celebrating our commitment to one another with as many family and friends as we could, but it just isn't possible.

    I also wanted to say how hurt I was by your actions regarding your disappointment that we couldn't afford to invite xxxx boyfriend. I am sure you will understand what an expense weddings are and that its important that we start our lives together without putting ourselves under extra financial pressure.

    Kindest regards

    XXX

  • welshb2b2welshb2b2 Posts: 15

    I also agree with Hydrogirl - very nicely put Trouble and Strife !

  • I agree with trouble and strife - it is a very mature way of dealing with the situation.

    If you wanted to be more blunt with her, then doing that in writing is a terrible, terrible idea. It is basically giving her something she can scan in and post on facebook if she wants!

    So if you want to write, then you have to present yourself in the best terms. I say go with the draft by trouble and strife.

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    trouble and strife ur version is the best - my head space isnt up for writing up a proper helpful letter/response (just started diazepam for injury and a bit fuzzy lol)

  • Reading that does sound better but he will know no one else has been uninvited.

    but I found out from another family memeber today that this aumy and cousin has requested to cancel their hotel room.

    Should I still send the letter incase in a months time she has changed her mind?

     

  • If you dont want her there, send the letter. If you think things will calm down and you might want her there, then sit with the letter for a few days as you or she may feel differently. If you truly dont want her there though, dont rely on heresay about her cancelling her room, just univite her

  • J14J14 Posts: 121

    I used to hear people talking about how stressing invite lists were and never thought I would have that problem but its probably the most stressful bit of all.  I know I'll have issues with people wanting to bring partners we have never met and I will probably have a big disagreement about it with the other half.  At the end of the day as you said its £100+ pp I really dont think people think about that when they attend other people's weddings as they are usually caught up with what their wearing/staying etc.

  • I have made my up mind. I don't feel it is any lose I haven't seen her in probs 2 years so it's not a big lose. 

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    Trouble and Strife wrote a great letter there! It sounds like your Aunt has really burnt her bridges with you and vice versa.

    We do have some people at our wedding that we haven't met but it's not a huge wedding and I would rather people be happy etc so we have allowed some plus ones but haven't invited all family to come especially as i don't see a lot of mine anyway! 

  • It is difficult as it's not a party which a set price regardless of numbers. Then you have family who think they get automatic invite and their partners too. But it doesn't always work like that.

    My partner only has a small family however my dad is 1 of 9 an my mum is 1 of 7 so I have a million cousins. But cuts have to be made somewhere.

    And everyone decides on their guest list differently.

    I would like to thank you all for your help I'm going to write trouble and strifes letter today and get that posted out as our RSVP deadline is 1st June so really don't want her to think she can just change her mine next month image

  • Good luck, keep us posted x

  • I have wrote the letter and going to post them tomorrow when I'm out image hopefully if their planning on not coming they wont be too offended. 

  • So I pretty much wrote in the letter what trouble and strife suggested to write and got this message on Facebook today:

    Got your letter today and quite honestly I think your attitude is disgusting... Do not message back.. I suggest u delete yourself from my mums Facebook

  • NowMrsH2014NowMrsH2014 Posts: 345

    Oh my goodness, how immature, I'm guessing yo got that reply from your cousin? Don't let it stress you out you have enough to deal with, with the wedding xx

  • Yeah I got that from my cousin. Im told them I couldn't care less ots not like I ever see them. And my little sister since found out from one of our other cousins that this cousin said she doesn't doesnt know how she will be able to keep a straight face at my wedding cuz it's a gay wedding. So at least now she won't have to worry about that.

    I have really enjoyed my planning process and not been stressed at all. I'm still really looking forward to my day and even more knowing she won't be there causing drama. 

  • Lynsey ShawLynsey Shaw Posts: 517

    Urgh!  No huge loss hun.  I am sure you will get an apology later on - these things tend to work out that way.  

  • I know what they are like I highly dout I will. But it's there lose because everyone will be at my wedding and their the ones missing out.  

  • Youve done what you needed to do, now try and put it behind you and concentrate on how amazing your day will be image

  • Thanks you image

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    if they had that attitude then they didnt even deserve to be invited in the first place. you were the bigger person and you will have a fab day! they certainly werent going to improve the day but by not being there the day will be much better!

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