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Stag Do's

Hey ladies,

I was wondering how you guys approach you h2b's stag do. Do you just wash your hands of the whole thing and trust that nothing too outrageous will happen? Or do you speak with the best man beforehand at all to outline any concerns? Or your h2b? Or do you just not care?

I'm not really thinking about the stag do yet as it's likely to be a long way off, but I'm not sure how I should be approaching it. The best man probably won't be organising the stag do (although I hope he attends as he is fun but responsible), and it will probably be organised by h2b's friends that live in our area. H2B isn't going to be included at all in the planning - it will be a surprise.

Since h2b is the first in his group of friends to get married, there have been jokes about it being the biggest and wildest stag do of the lot. This doesn't really bother me, but I know in the past that some of the guys in this friend group have gone to strip clubs on big nights out together (even when their girlfriends have got really mad about it).

I would have a huge problem with strippers being involved in the stag do - not only because I personally feel it's in incredibly poor taste to go and ogle naked women just before you get married, but  also, and mainly,because I have worked with people who were forcibly trafficked into the sex industry, and because of that I have extremely strong views on not supporting it.

On the one hand I don't want to be "that" fianceé who is super controlling and annoying, but at the same time this isn't the 1950's and I feel it would be ridiculous to just expect the wife to be to simply shut up and put up.

So I'm not sure how I should be approaching this AT ALL.

Any advice?

 

Posts

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    My view is let the boys be boys and go and have a good time. So long as he doesn't get set on fire or hurt or bought a prostitute in some Eastern European city(!), I don't really mind. He's not a wild kind of guy and I trust him and I don't think his friends will go too far. As for strippers and things, obviously I don't support it but I'm not the jealous type and usually guys go just to make the groom squirm more than anything! He's gonna see naked women in films and tv and internet etc anyway so I don't have a massive problem with it, if they go to one it's not a big deal. It's not like he goes every weekend or something. I've actually been to a strip bar once several years back for one of my good guy-friend's birthdays....all of the guys were just a bit uncomfortable with it really and felt a bit like dirty old men and I think my OH would be the same.

    I know some women are extremely uncomfortable with their OH's going to strip bars though. And I know girls who have, or would, ask their partners friends not to do it, but frankly they may go do it anyway and you'll never know! I think I'd have more of a problem if my guy actively wanted to go to these places, but if he's just taken there by some mates for a bit of a laugh, I don't really mind.

    Out of interest, how would you feel if your OH spoke to your bridesmaids and stuck his oar in where your hen do was concerned?

    Also, I've been on plenty of hens with male strippers or naked-butlers and for some reason a lot of women don't see that being as bad as the guys doing it, not sure why. Double standards I say. And for the record, I would HATE a male stripper at my hen!

  • My fiance had his stag do this weekend and I knew none of the details beforehand (neither did he as it was a surprise) and I was quite comfortable with that. I love and trust him and I know he wouldnt do anything that would hurt me. I also know his mates and they are all good mature guys who wouldnt do anything bad to him. I did however have a jokey conversation with his best man about making sure he came back to me in the same state that I sent him out in! I think you have to trust your fiance, if you try to intefere too much you will just make it look like you dont trust him.

    With the stripper thing, I really have no issue with that as I know normally my fiance would never go so if he was taken on his stag (I have no idea I didnt ask!) then its a one off. But if you really feel that strongly about it then I think the only thing you can do is have a really honest conversation with him about how unhappy it would make you and hope he listens.

  • Well if it was something that he had very strong views on - especially surrounding exploitation of others - then I would listen to them. I've never been on a hen do with any sort of men there - it's always been drinking with girls or going to shows, or spas or whatnot, so this isn't some kind of double standard with my own behaviour.

    I'm not sure I understand your comment on double standards anyway to be honest - with male butlers or whatnot - there is no huge industry of men being forcibly trafficked into sex work, being exploited, and being deceived by traffickers and forced into stripping or prostitution, whereas there is with women. 

    Also for your friends birthday...did you never consider the possibility that the guys there were awkward because YOU were there with them? If it was such an awkward uncomfortable environment.....men wouldn't go there.

    Think of it like this. Imagine you were a vegetarian and an overt animal rights campaigner. How would you feel if there was a possibility your H2B was going to go fox hunting for his stag do?

  • Cantwaittobemrsc - Thanks for your advice. Like you, I trust my h2b completely otherwise I wouldn't be marrying him! We have briefly spoken about the stag do, and he was honest that he had no idea what it would be like - I know in his mind the best stag do would be for all the lads to go out camping somewhere together, get blazing drunk, and do stupid things together. To him, having women around defeats the whole point of a stag do. I did remind him my views on the sex industry, and he sympathised, but said he couldn't guarantee what the others would plan. If he said not to do it, then they would 100% do it. If I said not to do it, they would 100% do it. So it's all a bit of a question mark. 

    They know I have strong views on this (and why I have them - especially with my past work), but not sure to what extent they realise it.

    I guess I'll just have to wait until the stag do comes up in a conversation and find a way to remind them of my work with victims of trafficking. If they do something different then that's awesome. If they do it anyway then I might sit them at completely different tables from each other at the wedding and put the crappest wine on their table!

    (that's a joke. Although......)

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    It seems that your issue is one of not agreeing with strip clubs generally rather than a jealousy or lack of self esteem issue on your part. But unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that his mates may drag him there on the night and there is really nothing you can do about it because you won't be there. And to be honest, even if you did forbid it - I'd say it would be even more likely that his mates will take him there!!

    We went to a wedding once, H2B had been on the stag doo and they'd gone to a strip club, the wife of the best man didn't know and kicked up a complete stink AT THE WEDDING when it became clear that she hadn't been informed of every last movement of her H2B at this stag party - the strip club wasn't even referenced!! Everyone thought she was a bit mental - especially when it was a small wedding of only about 40 people such that everyone knew exactly what was going on. My point here is that my H2B told me they had gone, hers hadn't because he knew she would kick up a stink but he also wasn't about to stand outside holding the coats! I'd think you would rather know than be the daft wife that finds out at a highly inappropriate time.

    And I don't mean this to sounds heartless or ignorant (before anyone goes off on me) but the sex industry is still going to exist - whether or not your H2B goes to a strip joint on his stag party or not. I wouldn't get involved unless you do want to be "THAT GIRLFRIEND"

    xx

  • Weddin crazyWeddin crazy Posts: 1,743

    I personally hate stag do's where the lads go overboard, Id be annoyed if he went out to strip clubs on norm weekends or if girls in norm bars went on like strippers n he let them so why are stag do's so diff. Surely a stag do is the worst time to do it when it is something related with your wedding. It's each to their own n really just depends how you feel about things, if ur happy about it then that's great but if your not I don't see why u should be unhappy n if you mention it I'm sure he doesn't want to do anything to worry you . 

  • katie1611katie1611 Posts: 103

    I hate the thought of my OH going to a strip club, but what I have said is 'what I don't know won't hurt me!' His best men won't listen to me anyway!!

    As long as they are not flashing it in my face or do anything to humilate me, or my family, then I'm happy!

    I trust him completely and I know if he ends up there it's because someone has dragged him there as he would rather be in the bar having a laugh!

  • If your views are that strong, then your other half should respect you and your work enough to not go, without you needing to say dont go to one. Even if the boys do take him to one, he can refuse to go in. Personally, I wouldnt get involved and I would just hope that my other half would do what was right.

  • My husband was also one of the first of his friends to get married, so they all got veryoverly excited initially about plans. I do have to say I did stick my opinion in as it was turning into something stupidly expensive and longer than it had been meant to be planned for and if I'm honest was sending my worrying side into overdrive. it's not that I don't trust MrH I didn't trust what his friends would get up to. they wanted 3 nights, the deal was 2. one of our groomsmen also wasn't going to manage the original destination due to money but thankfully MrH put his foot down for that one, and it was changed to somewhere in the UK.

    All his friends know how much I hate strip clubs, but the compromise for me was MrH said he wouldn't get a dance but if they were all going he wasn't going to just go back to his hotel...fair enough I thought. it's been over a year since his stag do, and I have to say I have a sneaky suspicion he did get a dance paid for him, but he is determined he didn't  (always said with a smile on his face ha) and to be honest now we are married I'm not so fussed about it - not that I'm telling him that haha! but my views are not as strong as yours as to why I dislike them, so in your situation I think I would definitely be saying something.

    I guess I'm just showing you the other side from people saying they might not say anything, I didn't feel I couldn't as what they were planning was affecting me emotionally - panic attacks - and they were just getting too carried away and needed reigned in a bit. some people will disagree with me 'being involved' but my involved did only extend to the location and the duration, I had no idea what they were up to when they were away etc. my FIL and my dad were also on the stag though so knew it couldn't be too bad!x

  • Mrs pickleMrs pickle Posts: 319

    I know my h2b will end up being forced to go to a strip club. He has been a couple of times on lads nights out and has always old me. I would have a big problem of he didn't tell me and I found out about it. I trust him completely and it's only a bit of fun. I will be doing exactly the same thing and ogling naked men at an Adonis show!

  • I have been helping my H2Bs best men plan his stag. It will be a complete surprise and they needed my help for others emails and to pay for my h2B I will also be driving them down to the airport where he will think he is boarding a plane to Dublin, only to find out he is going to Vegas!! I am so excited for him. Most of his friends went on a stag there 3years ago but as I was pregnant at the time and we had to save for baby things he made the decision to be sensible and not go. 

    My H2B works so hard for our little family, supports me to do my PhD and will also be funding most of the wedding. This is my wedding present to him, a break from all the hard work and responsibility. He thoroughly deserves it and I am excited to be helping them to organise it.

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    If you're worried then you could speak to your H2B's friends, though I would probably be worried about them doing the opposite to what you're asking!!  It depends on how much you trust them.

    I am sort of OK with my OH's stag do.  It's not until October and I trust his friends (the worst they have done is lost another stag when he was asleep under his hotel bed all along!).  I'm not bothered about strippers because they have never been my OH's thing.  When I first met him he went on a lads holiday to the US where he fell asleep in a strip joint!

    The only thing bothering me is that the only thing either of us know about it is he has to wear speedos!  I love him to bits but he doesn't have a speedo figure so I'm worried abput what they're going to make him do!!

  • VicNVicN Posts: 1,352

    I know some of what my H2B is doing for his stag do - they are doing a lads' activity day with archery and daft inflatable games etc. They are staying over for 2 nights so will be having 2 nights out and I don't have a clue what they will be up to - but I'm not worried about it at all. I don't know if they'll end up at a strip club - they've all been to Amsterdam twice, and they booked him a stripper for his 18th (before I was with him) which he said was completely cringeworthy. It may be a case of 'been there, done that' but if the urge does take them then whatever. It doesn't bother me. 

    I trust him and his best man, but when H2B gets really drunk he just tends to fall asleep, which he has done in many pubs and clubs, so I told his best man he needs to take it fairly easy if they want him to last longer than 7pm!

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    I didn't mean to sound like I was saying you personally had double standards, more that I know plenty of women who would cause a fuss about their men going to a strip bar but would happily go to a hen with male strippers and not bat an eyelid.

    I appreciate your point about sex trafficking, and you obviously are very knowledgeable on that side of things having experienced it first hand so I can understand why you have especially strong feelings about it. I agree there may not be much of an industry of men being forced or trafficked into stripping but there are also plenty of women who choose to do it as a career or to make some short term cash in the same way that men do. I'm sure there are tons of awful establishments who exploit their workers but equally I'm sure there are plenty of 'respectable' (maybe not the most appropriate word for a strip bar!) establishments who aren't like that. Maybe I'm naive and they are in the minority, I don't know? I'm not trying to argue pro-strip clubs at all, I'm just trying to offer a different perspective and explain what I meant by double standards in that if it's ok for men to choose to take their clothes off for the enjoyment of women and it's ok for women to oggle them, why not the other way around. I appreciate the line of who's there willingly and who isn't may be hard to determine though.

    I am actually a vegetarian, and you're right, I wouldn't like OH to go fox hunting (which, luckily isn't very likely) or similar for his stag at all (I mean, I cry when the cat brings an injured mouse in!). I wouldn't love him to go on a butchery lesson either (which I've seen is something some stags do) among all sorts of other things that I wouldn't agree with personally. But my views are my own and I feel it's wasted energy willing others not to do the things I wouldn't do myself, particularly if it's coming from a place of trying to show my OH a good time rather than from a malicious place. I wouldn't want to hear about all the details when he got back, but I would let it go. Do I make any sense? 

    Are you close to his friends? If so, it might be easier to express how much it bothers you and the reasons why and having them respect that than if you don't know them so well. I depends what his friends are like, some people would be more encouraged to do it asked not to. If your H2B is equally as bothered by it as you, I'd be surprised if his friends ignored the wishes of both of you x

  • Thanks Laurapj - and to the others as well! I can see your perspectives on this and they make sense.

    I think the attitude I will adopt will be this: I will be happy for my H2B to go to a strip club for a few hours, if he is happy for me to WORK at a strip club for a few hours. If it's okay to support an industry, then it should be okay to work in that industry.

    Then the choice is up to him and his friends.

    Really the only other things that would bother me is if H2B ended up with broken bones, or in hospital or behind bars!

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    hehe! I hope you won't have to follow through with that redwhitebluelondon!

  • I'd just go and work behind the bar for a few hours (So I would be working there but not stripping), but I sure as hell wouldn't tell him that!

  • Bonzo1984Bonzo1984 Posts: 74

    Hi rwbl

    I sympathize as I have exactly the same views as you about strip clubs, I find them really exploitative and like you hate the thought of someone being trafficked to work there.

    I also hate the attitude of going to a strip club and supporting this horrible industry is "boys being boys" but if you say you aren't comfortable with your h2b going to one you are being "that" kind of girlfriend.

    My husband didn't go to a strip club on his own stag do but ended up in one at someone else's after we were married! Needless to say I wasn't best pleased with him! The best man had organised it as a "surprise" for the groom so I know even men who would never do anything like this normally sometimes get dragged into the stupid stag traditions.

    I think you should definitely talk to your h2b about how you feel and hopefully your threat about working in a club will make him think twice!

     

  • SaziSazi Posts: 219

    My other half went to a strip club for his stag do a few weeks ago. at first i wasnt bothered but then it really got to me. its like its an excuse for them just all to go and use that as the excuse like it cant be helped. they had two private dancers dance for them but my other haf just kept saying they were not attractive etc. i think as women our minds run away with us and we imagine these super slim busty models but in reality its not! ive forgotten about it now and am just looking forward to the wedding. i trust him so im gonna let it go and just focus on our day!

  • Rcl-09Rcl-09 Posts: 49

    I feel the same and agree with loads of these comments.

    I'd never tell his friends that I don't want him to have one as I'm too proud and pretty sure they would be even more likely to do it then anyway!!

    As far as I'm concerned all stags = strippers of some kind - no point being naïve about it - it will happen.

    I know some hens have male strippers but I definitely 100% wont be, so that's why it bothers me.

    Its so annoying but there's no other option but to try and ignore it? x

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    My H2B isn't having one!

    He doesn't go out drinking etc, or have any hobbies really (other than collecting comics/models) and tbh, he doesn't really have any friends!

    I have been trying to encourage him to maybe just do a day out somewhere but he's having none of it.

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    And as a side note, I am also looking at planning a stag do for one of my best friends - I am his bestwoman in September and an honourary stag apparently...

    I have started booking a track day and then a night out at Spearmint Rhino... I don't know about the boys, but I'm very much looking forward to it! haha

     

     

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I think it is all about respect here - respect for your views RWBL as you have really strong feelings about the subject and they are your views so don't feel bad about that and maybe your h2b needs reminding of them as do his friends who are planning his stag do.

    I wouldn't like it if my h2b went to a strip club for his stag do and I know he wouldn't like it either and I also know that he wouldn't like it if I had a stripper at my hen do - the question was actually asked of me if I wanted a stripper and I said no thank you very much as I do think it's pretty tacky and is done to embarrass you and I wouldn't enjoy it in the slightest!

    We're all different people though and some people may actually think it is the thing to do!

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    My H2B had his last weekend, the watched a game of football than drank lots, the night was tamer than some of his mates wanted but as they didn't pull their finger out and left it for my H2B to sort they got what he wanted to do.

    I was a bit worried, although having been together for over a decade has its advantages his close friends know me well and know I would have had my revenge if any harm had come to my H2B a collegue of mine doesn't know his friends very well, the stag was about 8 weeks before her wedding, she was resigned to the fact his head would be shave after all he had shaved one of his friends heads on their stag........it did happen its good he can pull off short hair!

    Ultimately you have to trust your H2B, although if I really hated strip clubs I think I would have arrange an activity weekend in the middle of nowhere for him!

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