Do I invite my N.Z family?

Hi Ladies, so here's my problem...

About 9 years ago I found out I had another Auntie living in New Zealand. My Nan had given a baby up for adoption when she was unmarried and still refuses to acknowledge it. I took this woman in to my life with no questions asked...she is an amazing lady and spent decades searching for her family. 

My Mum stood by Nan and wouldn't accept her into the family. A couple of years later my Uncle did DNA testing with her and she is 100% my Auntie. Sadly by this time my Mum had committed suicide and so never got a chance to meet her only sister. 

My cousin that is bridesmaid also accepted her straight away and we have both been out to visit on separate occasions (My Aunt even paid my air fare...that's how nice she is) My sister that is bridesmaid wants to meet her but my other 2 sisters will not accept her as family. I asked my sisters yesterday how they would feel about me inviting my family from N.Z and they said I could invite who I want but not to expect them them to talk to her and regard her as their Aunt. Having spoken to my cousin, she said she'd love to see them but she's worried that I would be stressed out on my big day about a family conflict ruining everything. She also pointed out that if someone gets drunk and says something it could get very out of hand. I wouldn't be inviting my Nan to the wedding so that eliminates one problem. I haven't seen her since my Mum's funeral and have some issues with things she said to my Mum before she died which I feel contributed to an already unstable mindset. 

 

I'm really sorry for waffling but don't know where else to turn and hope this makes sense :/

Posts

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    i would maybe explain the situation to your aunt? and instead could you arrange to go o nholiday there or a trip and have a blessing/party in NZ? it would be much nicer! you will be stressing around and wont have much time to entertain ur aunt especially if she doesnt know anyone else over here and the rest of ur family wont really make an effort so it would be a long trip to not really spend anytime with you at all, weddings are really busy and you dont get time to talk to any one person

    where are you honeymooning? if is asia or Aus, NZ then that would work out perfectly havng a blessing with your aunt and her family present - it would prob make her feel very special and you would get to wear ur dress again?

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    Honeymoon will either be Turkey or London! Apparently our date if we manage to book when we want is close to Wimbledon and he'll want to watch to watch the tennis lol...we may do Turkey as my sister has a villa we can use.

    My Aunt offered to pay for us to go to NZ for the wedding but after consideration I had to decline as I want my friends and family there to share our day. Also while it would have been lovely our honeymoon would have been with family when we want to be a alone. 

    I spoke to my Aunt a week ago and she said while she'd love to come she wouldn't cause me stress if my family would be a problem.  image

     

  • katie1611katie1611 Posts: 103

    I'm really sorry.  I don't really know what to suggest here.  But I hate families sometimes!! My OH's family are being really awkward because of things that happened in the past and they are unwilling to get over it for us for one day......so I kind of know how you feel on this one.  I don't really know what we are going to do yet either image

    You do need to be a bit selfish though - it's the only day you can be!

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    Selfish isn't something I'm good at but I know you're right. So many of us seem to have family issues, I don't understand why people can't just get along image

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    It's a very difficult situation to be in and all depends on the reasons why your other family members won't accept your Aunt as family? If they are cast iron reasons to them, you may find that your other sisters may not attend your wedding thus causing a further rift! Would they not want to meet your Aunt if she was to come over to the UK before your wedding?

    There are issues in every family though - it's my family members who are causing issues for my wedding since it seems they do not know how to RSVP!!! imageimage

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    I don't know if you can call it a cast iron reason. My Nan refuses to admit she had my aunt so my sisters refuse to class her as family despite DNA testing being done. My Aunt said she would only come if it doesn't upset my sisters and I should talk to them, which I did the other day. 2 of them said invite who I want but don't expect them to treat her like family and clearly looked a bit put out. I called my Aunt and explained the conversation and she got really defensive and tbh her attitude towards me sucked! She can blow hot and cold in general (think it's a family thing) and I feel frustrated and stressed image

  • Unless you have really strong feelings that you want her there, in which case I think you wouldnt be asking the question as you would invite her regardless, I dont think I would invite her. It could make for a very uncomfortable situation all round and would just cause you additional stress. Its very unfair the way your NZ aunt is being treated, but I dont think the place to solve that is at your wedding.

    Instead I would just work at deveoping your realtionship with your NZ aunt and  leave it up to your aunts to sort themselves out. Your NZ aunt may have been hoping for some sort of lovely reunion at your wedding, which may have been why she got defensive, she might have built it up in her head that if she could just come and meet everyone face to face then she would have been welcomed with open arms.

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I think I'd agree with Trouble and Strife on this one.  I can understand you wanting her there as obviously she's family, and she is being treated unfairly by the rest of your family (aren't family great). But you do need to think about whether it's worth possibly upsetting a lot of the other members of your family and causing tension on your day?  She's already expressed that she doesn't want to come if it's going to upset others, so if you just talk it through with her I'm sure she'll be understanding.

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    Thanks Ladies, I would love for my Aunt to be there but it just feels like it will all go wrong. My cousin that is Bridesmaid spoke to my cousin in N.Z...(Aunts daughter) and she is going to talk to her and get back to us. Is there any such thing as a "normal" family?

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