Forum home Emotional support

Too upset over bridesmaid choices

Hello, I'm jodie I am new to the site image I did post a topic same as this last night but I have no clue what happend to it, so let's see if this works. Ya may wanna sit down its long winded but I'll try keep it short.

 

you have probably heard this dilemma a thousand times and I have looked online for answers from what others have wrote but it doesn't help image

 

i got engaged in New York in January and I won't be getting married until 2016 so I am trying to look at it as that I still have a long time and anything can happen with friendships, but my dilemma is two of my friends assumed they would be bridesmaids which if I'm honest wound me up because my sister and cousin are also going to be bridesmaids so that was always a given but for these two to assume meant the fun of me been able to ask people went straight out the window image but also it is not for them to assume, so after thinking about it I told them I was just having my sister and cousin because it was too hard deciding who I wanted up there with me as I have 2 other friends who I would have liked aswell but I didn't want 6 bridesmaids. Now friend 1 was fine with me and said that's fine it's your choice I respect that if you still want help just call, which was lovely to hear. Friend 2 said right fine whatever it's your day, sounded abit put out to me.

After worrying about it for a while and getting upset and speaking to finace and sister they have said I have who I want it is my day and not there choice or there place to make me feel like crap about my decision, but I was speaking to friend 2 the other day she mentioned in passing that if I picked friend 1 and not her she would be pissed off. This has made things worse in my little brain now because I really want friend 1 to be my bridesmaid as I know I can count on her not to make catty remarks about my choices or who else I have chosen where as friend 2 might.

i have known friend 2 longer but that doesn't mean anything does it? I don't see her as often anymore and we only talk on txts once a week n it's usually for her to moan about the new dog her bf just bought or moan about the bf.

i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings which is why I decided just my sister and cousin but the I got really upset n thought I don't want to just have them two to make others happy it's my day but how on earth do I let this girl know she won't be one when she has always assumed we would be each other's from day dot.

 

someone please help me coz this is upsetting me way more that it should I'm sure.

 

thanks in advance Jodie x x x x

 

 

Posts

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    I am having one of my sisters and a cousin who both kind of assumed they would get the role so I didn't really get to ask either :/  I had my 2 nieces jumping at bridesmaid the second we announced our engagement...literally...H and I are getting married...I'll be bridesmaid which I told them straight away sorry but I can't afford 4 bridesmaids and I'm already having your Mum and my cousin. They are both grown up and took it on the chin. I'm sure they were a little upset but they've both been fine. It is your day and you must do what you want. It sounds like friend 1 would be much more supportive and being friends with her for a shorter time makes no difference. I've been friends with someone for just a few months and closer to her than someone I've been friends with for years. 

    I am learning fast that you simply won't please everyone. Hope you can make a decision and do what is best for YOU xx

  • welshb2b2welshb2b2 Posts: 15

     

     

  • PoppinsPoppins Posts: 3,146

    I'm not sure I can be much help but I didn't want to read and run. The way I've read it, friend 2 doesn't sound like much of a friend to be honest. She has put you in a very awkward position which no friend should do. If you were to pick friend 1 and not 2 then I'm sure friend 2 will either get over it or hold a grudge which once again a true friend wouldn't do. It is your and your OH's day and you have final say. Please don't be bullied not decisions. I had the issue that SIL assumed she'd be a BM and to be honest I did want her at first but did it more as I didn't want the hassle of not having her but now looking back I'd have never picked her. She shows no interest in our wedding which then gets my back up so end up hating my choice of having her a BM. Please stick to your guns and don't be pushed into decisions from anyone xxx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    just explain you want it just to be your family and want them to enjoy themselves by choosing their own outfit etc.

    if they are  making a few waves now can you imagine when it comes to you saying you want all the dresses the same or all hair make-up etc. people change either good or bad at weddings having two will reduce stress and cost!

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I just read on another thread of a bride who asked those she wasn't having as bridesmaids to be a VIP - so essentially a bridesmaid but without the title... I thought that was a cool idea.

    Alternatively, if you're torn but worried about costs etc, maybe ask them to buy their own dress etc?

  • I would just stick with your cousin and sister. The other two girls can see that those people are your family members, so won't hold it against you. But then if you asking one person but not the other it's just a recipe for disaster.

    Stick with your original decision.

  • Cattyf123Cattyf123 Posts: 43

    Hi Jodie

    I got engaged in New York this year too! Where was your proposal? We are also planning on getting married in 2016 to give ourselves plenty of time image

    What a tough situation with your bridesmaids! Tbh your friend that is causing the upset is being a bit selfish and sounds like she could potentially be a bit of a trouble maker during the arrangements? If you were to choose her would she cause drama if she didn't like the dress etc? Because this whole thing very stressful as it is, without other people causing more aggro! I have been told SO many times to make the day how you want it to be and choose and do what you want to do, but its so hard knowing that you're letting people down!

    As mentioned above by LeaMarie what about giving your two friends a 'role' instead of being bridesmaids -  you could stick with your sister and cousin as the 'real' bridesmaids, then maybe have your two friends as hen party coordinators or that kind of thing? That way they get involvement, which might be what they want and why they're upset as you're one of their best friends and want to share it with you?

    But ultimately, do what you want to do!

     

  • It sounds like you've made the right decision. Maybe your friends could organise the hen night instead?!

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    I am only having family members as bridesmaids, sister, sister-in-law and H2B's sister.  I explained to my friends that I just wanted it to be family to keep things simple and the bridal party smaller (really it's because they're quite unreliable but I didn't want to tell them that!).  They seemed to understand and are now what I call "non-bridesmaids".  

    Basically they are the people I moan about the wedding and the real bridesmaids to image  But they also came to my first dress fitting and have been helpful with other bits and pieces.  So they're still important to me, they just don't carry the bridesmaid title or have to do anything at the actual wedding.

  • Thankyou so much for your advise ladies I think im going to stick with cousin and sister and IF nearer the time I want friend 1 I shall ask and not worry about what friend 2 thinks. she already said 'ugh don't make me wear purple I'll look like a bruise' good job she isn't one coz these are my bridesmaida dressses I want lol.

    image

    Cattyf123, he proposed in Central Park image it was snowing and there was nobody near us and then out of nowhere a man who was taking random photos started taking photographs of it all happening. and he has emailed me them all so I get to keep the happy memories image 

    where did you get engaged? Isn't it a magical place image 

     

    x x x

     

  • Ooh, pretty dress! It's your wedding, glad your friends have come around and understand that now. Aww your engagement sounds lovely, how romantic that he planned it all. My OH just got down on one knee when we were at home one evening, he's not the type to organise anything!

  • Awww lucie I bet it was beautiful and memorable to you though image 

    x x

  • GellartwinGellartwin Posts: 381

    Ahh a fellow New York Proposal - we got engaged in January this year as well - made New York even more special for us!

    In terms of bridesmaids, i'd agree with others, leave the dust to settle a few months and then make a decision nearer the time, people and friendships change and hopefully that way you'll have a much clearer idea of who and why you want them up there with you. The most important thing to remember is it is your day and you will rely on your girls to help organise and make it that special day - you don't want to regret having someone or have that added stress of people not helping xx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    that dress is stunning! where is it from?! im looking for a dress to wear to a friends wedding and that dress is soooo much better than enything i have seen!

  • Deffo going to let things settle down and you are correct it's MY day x x

     

    blonde and wise they have loads of different patterns there FAB!

  • Cattyf123Cattyf123 Posts: 43

    Haha Jodie we got engaged in Central Park too! (on a rock overlooking the lake near Strawberry Fields).  Although it was March so not snowing but bloody cold! I think it must be an American thing because we had a group of them come over and take photos of us and I had to stop them and say can you take one of us on our camera haha! There was also a group forming at the bottom of the hill clapping image

    Its such a lovely place, and will always be special now!  By the sounds of it it's the place to do it!

    xx

  • Haha it was just more our style - we'd talked about getting married for a while so it wasn't really a big surprise. Kind of wish I had a big story behind it to tell our future kids, but it doesn't matter. It's all about making the big day memorable now! Might have to look at that site for my bridesmaids dresses, there are so many ugly ones out there but those are gorge.

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 273 New bride

    You made a decision to just have family so stick to it.

    don't pick one friend and not the other.

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    Aww loving all these New York proposals.  My H2B also proposed in Central Park image

    Lovely bridesmaid dress too btw!

  • Haha New York New York image

    Im sticking to my guns ladies and picking my sister and cousin so i guess you have helped me and I'm not upset anymore!

    Thankyou all and good luck to ALL of you with your planning xx

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    I have a couple of 'unoffical' bridesmaids, friends who wanted to pick there own outfits, but have helped me with the planning process and will be there for me on the day.

    You don't have to make any decisions now, keep it simple and see how things pan out, you can always include friends by asking them to do a reading or to be witness.

    To be honest friend 2 sounds like someone who takes but doesn't give, I would be tempted to ditch them as a friend full stop.

  • I know but I worry so much about what she will say and I know I shouldn't care but that's just my personality! I'm my own boss at work and at work I'm ruthless but friends and family I'm hopeless image  

    I had thought about one of them doing a reading, it's a nice touch I think x x

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    It's very hard when the word wedding becomes involved. I initially got engaged in July 2013. The wedding was set for September 2014 a month later. I didn't tell my bm's until January. By then we (h2b & I) had done most of the figuring out who/what/where so then it was time for the bm's to become involved!

    You will quickly find there are far too many opinions and people who want things from you. People become irrational and forget what is most important and that's you and your h2b getting married. Good luck 

  • Hi Jodie, first of all I am sending big hugs your way xx

    if I were in your position I would invite friend two round to your house and explain to her that you would like to ask friend one to be a bridesmaid. Explain that not having friend two doesn't make her any less of a friend but give the reasons for friend one. If friend two gets angry, storms out and never speaks to you again then it just means that she wasn't rally your friend anyway and it is one less person to create drama in your life. If she reluctantly accepts that then good for her, it's never easy to hear that someone else has been chosen over you. Either way to keep yourself right I would tell friend two your plans first that way you have given her the steering wheel to decide how she will react and won't have sit anxiously awaiting off hef response. 

    My moto during the wedding planning has been, when I look back in five years time will I be pleased with my choices. I have a friend who didn't choose one of our friends as bridesmaid just because she got caught up in the moment of planning and my poor friend has never felt comfortable with that decision since after her wedding, even though our friend was really understanding. It's you day make it one to remember and surround yourself with people who care about you and not just the bridesmaid status xxx

  • Thankyou shabbychic that's a very good way to look at it and I do need to surround my self with positive people and that's what I will do image I dont want to look back after 5 years and look at my photos and think why did I pick her. 

    I also have time yet it's not untill 2016 But the more I read your comments I want just my cousin and sister. But I had to come on here where no one knows me because my mum is byased and only wants my sis and cousin and my OH just wants to make me happy so agrees with owt I say which I don't need bless him x x

Sign In or Register to comment.