It's your wedding, do what you want!?

Hello,

This might be a bit of a controversial post, but I have started to get a bit sick of some of the advice I've seen! 

I do think that actually, this whole 'its your wedding' mentality can be a bit selfish. It is your wedding, but it's not just about you, and I do think other people's opinions are important. I have moaned a lot about my mum being a nightmare, but actually, this day is massively important to her, and I want her to enjoy it! I have changed things to suit her, and to be honest, the whole wedding isn't what I wanted; I want to elope but my other half wants a big wedding, so that's what we're having. To be honest, as long as I get to marry him, and we have a good, happy marriage, that's all that matters! My parents can't afford to contribute towards the wedding (although the initial budget was £5000, as that's what they were going to give us; unfortunately now they can't afford to give us anything), but I still value their opinion, and I want them to be happy. There are things I've put my foot down about, as it is really important to me and H2B, but I do think that just thinking, I'm going to have what I want, and don't care how anyone else feels about it, is a bad mentality to have? Plus, if it is all about you, and your guests don't enjoy it anyway, as you haven't taken their opinion into consideration, is there any point?! Does anyone else feel like this?

Posts

  • I agree to some degree. Part of the reason we're having the big family wedding is my younger brother eloped, so this would be the only chance my parents would have to see their child get married. Plus I dont want my dad to miss out on the whoe walking his daughter down the aisle part.

    We're funding the wedding ourselves, and as of yet no-one has made any demands on us. Any final decision on anything would be ours, but if either of our parents had any particularly strong feelings to a certain aspect of the day I would take them in to account. By the same token, if there was someone they really wanted there I would probably invite them. I want us all to enjoy the day, I cant imagine that we will all be in the same place at the same time again.

  • MrsVJB2BMrsVJB2B Posts: 372

    Mrs Hills to be - at last, the voice of reason. I totally agree with you. I hate the phrase 'my day, my way' - it's about consideration of all your guests. At every step I thought how my family and friends may respnd to decisions as it was important to us that they all had a great day. And they did!

    There was a post on here yesterday which made me incandescant with rage - I didn't dare respond as I knew my views would not be the same as everyone's and I couldn't face the backlash... I wanted to tell the bride what a selfish brat she was being!

    Well done for having the guts to say the unthinkable...

  • phew! Thanks - I regretted it immediately after posting it, and looked to delete it but couldn't work out how! lol! Yeah I just saw something on facebook which really annoyed me, hence the post! image

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    I have made compromises to suit others, luckily because we thought about others we prevented others saying we should have invited x or done y, but on something's it will be my way or the highway but that is only to reduce the likelyhood of me having a melt down on the day. I know things might not be prefect but I am limiting the potential stressors!

    I have said many times I don't think contributions should give anyone the right to dictate any part of the wedding, suggestions yes but at the end of the day the bride and groom should be happy with the choices made. We didn't expect and always said if the 'input' becomes more like 'instructions' then people would be getting their money back.

    I think setting expectations from the start is a key thing, my FMIL is trying to wrangle a later slot with the make up artist, it's not happening, the last three to be done are me and my bridesmaids, that's because she can take time to do me and if it takes longer than expected the bridesmaids won't mind if their make up is rushed, so she will have her make up done 4hrs before the ceremony or do her own!

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    I Agree to a degree. I have had one eye on everybody's day as well as mine. The aspects that h2b and I have not been willing to compromise on (good food, comfortable accom, not too far from the church to the venue, easy to find etc) we haven't. That said we are very fortunate in that family and friends have stayed out for the most part.

    it does amuse me that fmil's biggest issue has been the stag do and the way the best man is organising it.... But not so much as to what is happening... Crazy but there you go!

    having said that though, it is my wedding (and unforeseen events, my one and only) therefore if it fits and I'd like and the h2b agrees we go with it!

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I agree.  I mean, I do think ''your wedding, you should have what you want'', but hopefully your loved ones being happy and everyone having a good time is part of what you want!

    We haven't particularly had anyone sticking their oar in unwelcome, but there are little things like I was considering getting ready at the hotel because I thought it would be easier (and I also thought it would save my Mum the stress of worrying about cleaning for the photographers - before my brother's wedding she bought new furniture!) but she was adamant she wanted me to go from home so that's what I'm doing image  My Dad saw a sweet buffet at a wedding fair and liked the idea, so we're doing a DIY sweet table (neither of us like sweets).  I ended up with completely different BM dresses to what I wanted because they all looked so lovely in the dress and were all happy in it.  Also, if it really was just literally about what we want with no consideration of anyone else's feelings then there's probably a few aunties and uncles we wouldn't bother inviting because we have nothing to do with them, but our parents would be horrified, and I'd hate for them to get stick from siblings because of our decision.  

    I've rambled (I've had wine).  But basically...yes.  Obviously you should consider other people's feelings unless you're a complete cow. But equally, nobody should expect you to compromise on something that's really important to you.  I guess it's all about balance and everyone (bride and groom included) being reasonable image

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    A classic on the UKBride facebook at the moment..."If they want him there, tell them they can pay for him!".

  • do you think anyone would actually do that though? The thought of actually turning round to my mum (or worse my mother in law) and saying that is awful!! They must be so hurt! I saw that bridezilla programme before, and a girl on it actually cut up her mother's wedding outfit, the night before the wedding, just because she didn't like it!! I cannot believe people actually behave like that!!

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I saw an episode of that once where a bride started beating up her bridesmaid because she didn't like how she was doing the centrepieces.  People are crazy...

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I agree to a point - obviously you want people to enjoy your day BUT it IS your day mostly, and I think you should do things that you want.

    My MIL2B was remarking yesterday about people coming away unhappy - her comment was referring to whether we had planned enough food for the evening, but the comment itself upset me hugely.

    We have made lots of compromises - we have gone for a bigger wedding than we wanted to accomodate for people that parent's wanted to attend, my bridal party is huge, and our food budget is larger than we wanted too.
    Whilst we are happy to accommodate these things, because we know that it is a big deal to our parents too, I think you have to also draw the line at a point where your wedding isn't 'your' wedding anymore!

    Plus I think it's damn right rude to be so derogatory about someone's decisions and choices for their big day over such 'small' things, like colour schemes etc. Some things just do not need to be said out loud!

  • VicNVicN Posts: 1,352

    I agree with you totally and have thought that a few times reading some things people have posted on here. I simply can't go with the whole "it's my day and to hell with everyone else" - it's not just our day, it's a celebration for everyone who loves us and is close to us and so I have very much taken them into consideration too. Glad to know someone else feels the same/similar to me!

  • LollybearLollybear Posts: 548

    As someone who has bent over backwards to accommodate everyone I don't actually agree with everything you have said. I have compromised on almost every aspect of my day including not gettiing married in our church surrounded by our church family. 

    so those little things that might make me sound like a bridezilla about not changing to suit other people is not because I want to be awkward but as I am footing a rather large bill and starting a marriage with my oh and no one else I would like something that I had chosen that was completly my choice. 

    I have also told my mil that if she wants extras she can pay for them, day guests are £100 a head and we have already invited twice as many from their side and besides I am not happy paying out hundreds of pounds to feed people I have never met so she can show off. 

    We have an open invitation to their friends in the evening and I have stood my ground on that. 

    Whilst I want people to be happy, and I have spent a lot of time, money and effort ensuring that, no one is doing that for me unless I make it happen as the one planning the day.

  • Both our parents want us to have the wedding we want so we haven't changed anything. It is our day so we doing what we want but all our guest think what we said we're doing in terms of menu and entertainment everyone thinks it sounds great and everyone has said their really looking forward to it.

    But I personally think if you got things in common with the company you keep your guest will have a wonderful time.

  • allison 2allison 2 Posts: 150

     There are things I've put my foot down about, as it is really important to me and H2B, but I do think that just thinking, I'm going to have what I want, and don't care how anyone else feels about it, is a bad mentality !!   You said it yourself obviously some brides have more things than others that are important to them but surely at the end of the day a happy memorable day is what is wanted by all x

  • I do think it depends on what things, at first both parents said the tradition was to have their friends, but like lollybear we are paying £100 a head and said we couldn't afford our friends if they come and we haven't met half of them.  We invited a couple of the ones we met regularly to the day and ones we have met but not as often to the evening, then ones we don't know not at all. I personally dont think things like that come under the 'my day' mentality. That's just us simply picking a guest list based on cost and number restriction, if I could afford everyone I would as I have always wanted a big wedding.

    With bridesmaids dresses we purposely picked one with a back as one of the bridesmaids has serve spots on her back which she self conscious about so want an outfit everyone felt comfy in, but with the back cover dress we picked the one we liked most but she and all the other bridemaids was happy with the choice. 

    I take other people views into consideration but at the end of the day if we really want something we will do it as we want to look back and be like yeah that was the most special perfect day of our lives. 

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    Glad someone mentioned UKbride on Facebook...I put in a request weeks ago which still hasn't appeared (fair enough, there must me loads of requests) but some of the posts asking for advice are beyond ridiculous! 

    While I understand the your day, your way mentality. It's not me. I really struggle to be selfish...to the point that on the way home last night from our celebratory meal for booking our wedding I gave my leftover pizza that the Italian restaurant kindly boxed for me to a homeless guy. I have analysed every aspect of our planning so far to cause as little upset as possible. My family keep telling me that I simply won't keep everyone happy and to have what I want but I still stress out and look at every option to try and find the best solution for all.

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I agree it's not my day. I want everyone to come and have the best time! We wanted our parents to love the venue so took them to look before booking (even though they said if we're happy that's all that matters). We chose somewhere that wasn't too far away for everyone, I'm taking the bridesmaids shopping so we can pick something they all feel comfortable in. Yes it's our day but we want people who are involved to feel as comfortable as possibly. In fact ive even been told off for worrying too much about other people ha ha! 

     

  • moonpiemoonpie Posts: 166

    I completely agree! I don't think that means you don't get to have the wedding you want or make the decisions that are right for you, but it drives me nuts when people excuse unreasonable, and sometimes incredibly selfish, behaviour by saying 'it's YOUR/MY day'.

    It's our wedding day, but it's just another day in the lives of everyone else, although a lovely one in which they get to spend an incredibly special moment with you. That doesn't give brides the right to dictate what everyone else should do. There might be things that annoy you which is fair enough and forums like this can be good places to vent about them (I know I've definitely had a wee rant on here), but when it comes to how you actually respond, saying "it's MY day" doesn't give you the right to discount other people's feelings. Obviously there are times when others are being totally unreasonable and you might need to be forceful in your response and some brides may have to even consider cutting someone from the day if it's something that may ruin the day altogether (actually ruin it, rather than just not make it exactly what you want). But I think that if a bridesmaid maybe isn't doing as much as you want them to, won't wear their hair a certain way, or if a guest plans on wearing the wrong sort of outfit, then, whilst a rant might be totally called for, suggesting that they are cut from your wedding because they're not doing exactly what you want (with the war-cry, "IT'S YOUR DAY!") is taking it too far.

  • Hmmm... I don't entirely disagree but I do think that it is YOUR day, not your parent's or your friend's day. Of course it is a good hostess's job to ensure that their guests enjoy themselves but you shouldn't have to change your idea of your perfect wedding to suit others. 

    My MIL2B has made some seriously crazy demands on OUR wedding and we have had to put our foot down too many times. She has demanded that HER aunts and uncles should come and when we said no, we couldn't afford to cater for pretty much anyone she has ever met, she informed us that it was not a necessity that my own aunts and uncles were invited.

    Imagine that it wasn't a wedding but a birthday party, New Year's Eve bash or a house-warming. Now imagine that you had to scrap your party plans and change them to what others wanted instead. Of course that is unacceptable. Why do people think they can dictate how you put a wedding on if they wouldn't do that in any other situation?

     

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    Lollybear, I think it's quite interesting that you think you disagree with this, but actually I completely agree with what you've said.

    I don't think you should compromise on everything, especially the things that are really important to you.  I don't know your circumstances, but there'd have to be a bloody good reason for me to give up the venue I wanted to have. 

    As for parents wanted friends to come to the day, well I'd just say no.  I wouldn't let them come even if our parents paid for them, because I don't want people there that aren't important to us.  Obviously that doesn't include partners who we haven't met!  My friend has apparently only invited people's partners if they've met them and like them, gaaaawwwd....  We have invited some of our parents' friends to the evening as well though.

     

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    You know what actually I think most of us feel the same about this, even if we think we have conflicting opinions.  I think we're all happy to compromise on certain things and want our guests to be happy, but have certain things that we want our way and aren't willing to compromise is.  I guess the difference in our reactions is just the things that we've been asked to compromise on.  We've been very lucky (touch wood!) and not had our parents interfering, so I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing and happy to listen to and consider their opinions.  Perhaps if they'd been demanding we invited certain people or did things in a particular way, then I wouldn't feel quite the same!

  • Little JulesLittle Jules Posts: 1,538

    Actually the views so far do seem to be pretty similar. to me, weddings are still about compromise, but certain things h2b and I want final say on! We did spend a bit of time thinking about what was easiest for guests when picking our venue, because it's important that everyone has a good time, but ultimately we also wanted something that suits us! we've been lucky with relatively moderate demands from our parents so far, so I guess my views on this could change!

  • I think most on this thread would change their views if they had someone like a batsh*t crazy MIL trying to completely alter their wedding. Most of the ones saying we should compromise probably haven't had to deal with this.

     

  • I disagree - I have changed a lot to keep people happy, and I have now sat down with my mum and said that she has upset me, and I need her to try and have an open mind about some of things that I like, and I will do the same for her. I changed the theme three times, changed bridesmaid dresses, readings, venue... etc. I'm also having a big wedding, which I do not want. I've compromised on pretty much everything (except my wedding shoes, which I won't tell anyone about until the day! Personalised converse trainers - my one nod to our personality - h2b will have matching ones! I know mum won't like it, but they will be hidden under my dress, and it's my way of keeping me in the wedding!). There are things happening which she doesn't like (my dress for example - she doesn't like it as it's second hand), and things I've adapted - we were going to have a vegetarian bbq, but mum didn't like it (just veggie or the bbq), so we compromised, worked around the budget and included meat, but kept the bbq. I'm happy knowing everyone will enjoy it, and look back at it and remember it for all the good things!

  • BeckyPBeckyP Posts: 178

    I pretty much completely agree. I think that a wedding where only the bride (and the groom)  is happy is a pretty miserable wedding! It's a celebration of your marriage and at the end of the day all it is just an overpriced party!

    Don't get me wrong, I wan't an amazing wedding that I'll have happy memories of forever, like any other bride, but I don't think for one second it's all about me. I am very focused on making sure my guests have a good time. As you have said, though, if it is really important to me I will put my foot down on it, because lets face it, it is still our day.

    I have what some people may call 'the perfect bridesmaids' but they're doing my head in. They have all at one point said to me "If you like it, I like it!" That is not helpful to me... They have told me to pick a dress and they will wear it, and asked "Its your wedding, what do YOU want us to look like, how do YOU want us to have our hair?" I really don't care!
    I think they'll look gorgeous no matter what, but I feel like if i put them in a burlap sack they will say they love it and wear it on the day. It's not about what I want them to look like it's about what they like or how they feel comfortable... they will after all be in most of the photos and its a very long day.

    Sorry for my mini rant within your post! My point is that yes, I agree with you, it's about more than just the bride and groom having what they want, it's about celebrating your marriage with you friends and family and all of you having a good time image

     

  • JSCJSC Posts: 60

    I think the wedding is about the bride and groom - they should both do what they feel comfortable and happy with.  It is their day although far too often family and friends tend to think they have the monopoly.

    As long as the bride and groom have a lovely day/ceremony that is what really counts...

    Not every couple wants to celebrate their union with family or friends - its a very personal choice.

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