Mumzilla doesn't even cut it!

I've finally had enough of my mum's behaviour. She has consistently and constantly undermined me, patronised me, made me feel like crap and verbally bullied me all my life (I'm in my 40's) and it just has to stop otherwise I am going to have to tell her she's no longer invited to our wedding and also that I don't want her in my life at all, that's how bad she has made me feel!

She created a scene at Easter Sunday dinner which she ate at OUR house which I cooked. My FMIL and FMIL's partner were also there - all she kept going on about in front of them was that she didn't like any of our decisions for the wedding, she didn't have one good word to say about it at all despite the fact that we have considered her in ALL our decisions, a fact that my fiance made clear as regards getting a venue which is on ground level all the way, easy access to toilets, transport etc.

What started the whole day on the wrong foot was that she rang me at 1pm when I was in final preps for dinner prior to my fiance going to fetch her and told me that I ought to be ashamed of myself because I hadn't rang her up to wish her a happy Easter - er, that's because I'd been in the kitchen cooking the dinner and er I was going to be seeing her face to face in half an hour!

Then she swept in the house like nothing had happened - she criticised about 5/6 things about the wedding and the last straw was her telling everyone that she had asked me to change the date of OUR wedding which we had already planned around both our jobs and honeymoon as we found out that my 2nd cousin was getting married on the same day - the feedback from her mum was that she couldn't change her date as her venue had limited availability in the summer and that she didn't want to get married in Autumn so fair enough, it was just one of those things but my mum made it into a big deal.

I have to say that my FMIL was an absolute love to me as I was very upset at my mum trashing our wedding like that but there was worse to come!

My mum told us that one of her friends wouldn't be coming to our wedding as she had told my mum that she'd already been to one of my weddings (we've both been married before in any case) and made it sound like she was being nasty and judgemental or whether my mum wanted me to think that, God only knows! The reason I am saying this was the way my mum said it... she told my fiance first in the car driving to our house and told him not to tell me anything and then she proceeded to tell me it anyway!

So I said to my mum what did you say back to her as regards that comment as my view is my mum should have told her where to get off but it looks very much like my mum didn't come to my defence at all. That doesn't surprise me.

I told my mum that I found her friend's comment offensive and insulting not only to me but to my fiance as well and that I wouldn't feel comfortable in going to her daughter's wedding thinking that her mother clearly thinks that we're something that scummy so that we are going to pull out at unfortunately a late hour but I really don't think they will care whether we are there or not. My mother is also not attending citing ill health.

It just seems to be that my mum's special mission in life is to fall out with everyone and cause upset within the family and with family friends and it is always everyone else's fault but not hers.

She caused a massive upset in the family when her niece and god daughter married a man 25 years older than herself and made it sound like she hasn't known her own mind when she married him as apparently she wanted kids and he was too old etc - she didn't keep these comments to herself, she told them to her sister who in turn told her daughter who of course was greatly offended by it all as was her husband who basically wrote my mum a letter telling her to do one! My

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  • Maria 6Maria 6 Posts: 11

    I must seem like an angel in comparison to your Mum! 

    Maybe remind her that she brought you up, and therefore must be in some way responsible for any of your failings (in her eyes).

    I'd say though that it would be best if you didn't cut her out altogether - you only have 1 mother and one day she won't be around any more and you will have to live with whatever has been said and done.

    Could you maybe encourage her to focus on good things - maybe ask her to write down names of people she likes with reasons why she likes them.  Or things she is happy with about the wedding?  It might just draw attention to how negative and obnoxious she is behaving.

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Personally I would tell her if she can't say something nice not to say anything at all.

    Both you and your h2b need to treat her like a toddler when she says hurtful things, in short ignore her and only engage in positive conversations with her.

    My now mil is not as bad but she treated my hubby like a moody teenager and decided to rake up discussion s that would cause arguments rather than sit in polite silence every now and then.  This went on for many years until we refused to engage with her and changed the topic of conversation to something positive.

    If it wasn't a close family member I would say ditch them from your life, as she is maybe you should go to some counselling sessions to figure out why you let her do this and how to change your behaviour towards her, which hopefully will change hers!

    I will say if either of us got such a barrage off one of our parents in public or private I hope the other would step up and tell them as politely as possible to shut up and stop insulting/ upsetting the love of my life!

    Do remember it's yours and your h2bs wedding stop letting her have a say or try and make you doubt what you both want.

  • If this has been going on a long time and in other areas, I would probably tell her that if she is so underwhelmed by your wedding plans, then she is more than welcome to stay at home, and you will use her place to accommodate someone who won't spend the entire day bitching and whining about everything.

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    Thanks ladies - she has somewhat calmed down now but she still hasn't really asked much about the wedding or the wedding planning as such and we haven't really involved her either!

    All she has responsibility for is co-ordinating 10 family members and that's it and that's all going a bit silly since there has been some muck spreading going about! I invited one of my 1st cousins along with her whole family - she replied declining the invite with her son and his girlfriend - however her daughter accepted the invite along with her husband and their kids along with 2 other cousins - then my mum said the other week that the husband said he wasn't sure if they are coming!!!!

    I messaged my cousin and said are you coming and how are you getting and she's read the message and not replied - we can still change the tables but we need to do it before tomorrow - it's hacked me off but hey I am just letting it wash over me now as I can't be bothered with them and their petty squabbling!

    There's just no point asking her what she's looking forward to and who she likes coming to the wedding as it's probably going to be hardly anyone on that list - it's likely she won't stay too long either so we won't have to worry about her too much!

  • catlover64ukcatlover64uk Posts: 1,149

    I feel for you OP, as my mother behaved in a similar manner when I was planning my wedding.  Basically, she is bitter and angry I married and moved to Ireland with my husband.  My mother tried to resort to blackmail to stop the wedding.  Even though I wasn't falling for it, my brother had to step in and play peacemaker.  She thought I would always be there to be her emotional punchbag and to look after her.  She's even told downright lies about me and my husband, and shit-stirred all the way.  I cut her out of my planning and did it all myself.

    Six years later, I now have little contact with her.  I don't need the stress, drama and BS she brings to my life with her passive aggressive behaviour.  I don't call her any more, but still send Mother's Day, birthday and Christmas cards.  When I go home to London, I still visit, but don't stay more than 30 minutes.  And I feel much better for it.

    Perhaps the same might work for you, OP.  Cut your mother out of the planning altogether.  Tell her only what she needs to know and no more.  Cut down on contact - if she's stressing you out being so poisonous to you, then do that.  If she wants to know why (I suspect she has a good idea, and is getting off on the drama), tell her straight.

    Enjoy your planning, wedding and life beyond.  Good luck!

     

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