lack of interest due to grief

On Thursday it was exactly one month until I get married, it was also the day my mum suddenly died. 

My mum and dad are divorced but this would have been their 27th wedding anniversary, they were married for 24 years.  Mum had her wedding ring on when she died which is unusual.

Mum had her own demons mainly lack of confidence, alcohol and mental health issues which led to my  now 15 year  old-brother living with me for the past 14 months.

I know that the wedding will go ahead but all my joy and excitement has gone, it now just feels like another job that needs to be done. 

I can't talk to my family about this as they are all in shock and won't understand. It has been decided that I will be the one who deals with the funeral and sorting out legal affairs on top of being there for my brother (and other siblings there are 6 of us) whilst finalising my wedding because according to them I am the strong one.

I don't want people to attend the wedding thinking oh poor Kate, what a shame I want my guests to the happy for me and not make comments that are meant well. Sorry for rambling hope it makes sense. I just need to get my feelings off my chest  

Posts

  • VicNVicN Posts: 1,352

    I didn't want to read and not post - so sorry to hear about your mum. I can't imagine what you're going through but no wonder you're not excited about your wedding. Do you still want to go ahead with the day? Or could you postpone it until a time when you are all in a better place - do you have wedding insurance? xx

  • katyjanekatyjane Posts: 71

    We get married in crete and have 30 guests coming with us, I couldn't and in my heart don't want to cancel. The post mortem is tomorrow and I'm hoping that the cause of death is found and that there won't have to be an inquest as this will hold the funeral up.

    We all have fears of things that could go wrong in the lead up like getting a spot or upset stomach but this never crossed my mind. X

  • katyjanekatyjane Posts: 71

    I fly on the 20th May so gives me a few weeks to sort it all hopefully if all goes smoothly

  • My advice would be to make sure you allow yourself to feel down over the next few weeks and grieve properly, if you force yourself to try and get excited when you rightly aren't feeling it, the guilt of not being able to get excited can be just as bad. Allow yourself to embrace the grief, ask for help from family, friends and your fiancé and hopefully in a months time, whilst I'm sure you won't be 100%, you will hopefully feel more like yourself for allowing yourself to go through that process. Let your family and friends know that your wedding still remains a celebration, focus on it being a celebration of life, even if the people who helped make yours can't be there, celebrate the fact they were at one point. I don't know if you are religious, but I genuinely feel on occasions like this you can sense a presence from them as though they'll be enjoying the day with you.  Sending you the best wishes over the coming month.xx

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    I am so sorry to hear your tragic news. People can't understand losing a mum until it happens to them. My Mum also had issues with mental health and alcohol, she committed suicide nearly 7 years ago. If you want to pm me to have someone to talk to then please do so.

  • I'm so Sorry for your loss. Can't imagine what you are going through, x

  • Really sorry to hear this Katyjane xx

  • NowMrsH2014NowMrsH2014 Posts: 345

    So sorry to hear this! you poor thing, keep your head high and try and get as much help from anyone that will help xx

  • Skibabe22Skibabe22 Posts: 79

    Gosh, you poor thing - sending many condolenses. I can completely understand how you feel. My father passed away suddenly and whilst it was a while ago, I still find it hard to be really excited about my wedding as I will miss him terribly.

    Can't imagine how you must be feeling with it so close - do try and find somebody to confide in, whoever it may be, and share your feelings with your husband to be. I am sure he will be able to help you find comfort, and the positives in what is a horrible situation.

    Wishing you all the best xx

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    Really sorry to hear about your mum - take support from your family and friends at this time and I am sure that with getting married abroad a lot of people will understand that you don't want to postpone - I am sure a lot of people also don't know what to say too.

    I think that as you have siblings, you should all chip in organising everything equally that needs to be organised as you are planning your wedding and also the fact that you need to grieve and look after yourself too. xx

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    I'm so sorry to hear this image If there's anything we can do, even if you just fancy a bit of a chat and get things off your chest - you know where we all are! xx

  • katyjanekatyjane Posts: 71

    Thanks girls, post mortem was inconclusive but as I have said they can keep samples for research mums body will be released hopefully tomorrow or Friday at the latest. I found out that my h2b has arranged a surprise hen do this Sat as I cancelled my original, so have to get through this,  I just don't want to be a drunken mess. My brothers school have been really bad, two phone calls were made but he was told off in front off class for not handing homework in so am going there tomorrow (also other bits they have said or not said).

    Mums funeral wont be until 12th. Went back to work today just to get some peace from brothers and sisters that seem to have moved in.Gave notice on tenancy, spoke to solicitor and civil celebrant and spent Monday, Tuesday packing up her house. Still lots to do, I can't ask too much from close family as they are in a worst way than I seem to be. Although my two best friends are helping finalise the reception party once we get home x

    Probably many more moans but that's it for now x 

  • katyjanekatyjane Posts: 71

    Nuggy  I will message you soon, thanks x

  • SarahL1408SarahL1408 Posts: 154

    I am so sorry to hear your news.  Xx

  • Han RHan R Posts: 121

    Hi KatyJane,

     

    Firstly I am so sorry for your loss but I hope you can treasure the memories you have of your Mum. I'm sure she will have been happy to know you were getting married to someone special and I'm sure she will be with you on your big day.

     

    I am in a similar position myself so I kind of know exactly what you are feeling. My mother-in-law to be died of cancer on Thursday just gone - the 8th of May - exactly one month before our wedding on the 8th of June. Even though she had been battling the disease for nearly 8 years, we are all still in complete shock and are devastated. My fiance now has no parents at the age of 27 - his Dad died in February 2006 and his Mum was diagnosed November 2006. She was like a mother to me - we called each other MIL and DIL image She was very maternal and I was closer to her than my own Mum. She has even left her son and I in charge of arranging her funeral and personally asked me to choose her last outfit. The funeral and wedding are only going to be days apart and the venues are 5 minutes apart. We do not feel like continuing to sort out last-minute wedding bits. However right up until the end she was constantly insisting that we go ahead - she even wrote us a letter repeating this. I know she will be there with his Dad in spirit and his family want us to continue with it and are looking forward to it. She has sent me signs that she is safe now and still with us - her and my song was playing on the way back home yesterday. It is rather fitting and poignant that the last time she opened her eyes was when her son and I arrived at the hospice in Hastings - we live the furthest away in Swindon and were the last immediate family members to arrive at her bedside. She hadn't opened her eyes for days and was mumbling. I take comfort from the fact that I was the last person she saw and the last thing she ever saw were photos of me in my wedding dress. I had got her a special white gold bracelet with the symbol for everlasting love on it and a mother of the groom heart tag. It took all her effort for her to raise her arm because she wanted me to put it on her but my hands were shaking so she held it instead. Despite finding it difficult to talk, she mustered up the energy to coherently speak her last words to me. They were 'Please stay. Don't leave me.' I told her I promise I will always stay with her and love her and I know she will always be there for us both. She will be a big part of our wedding as she helped me choose the flowers and dress. I think her spirit slipped away that night as she had said goodbye to everybody that mattered to her. It was just her body gave up the next day.

     

    I hope you find the strength to carry on, KatyJane. I am always here if you fancy a chat image xx

  • CD0412CD0412 Posts: 144

    KatyJane - I am so sorry to hear this. You must be going through hell and back - Take heart in the fact they will be with you still and watching on from another place.. Carry on with your wedding and do it for her xxx

    Han R - Your story really touched me and had me in tears... My heart was breaking for you reading about your MIL. Don't forget either of you that both of them will be there in spirit, raising a glass and celebrating with you both. Remember that just because a person is gone, they haven't left you because they remain in your hearts and memories therefore they are NEVER forgotten by the ones that truly loved them.

    God bless you both, your families and your lost ones. Anytime you need a chat, please message me xxxxx

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