Feeling Very Deflated...

When H2B and I got engaged, MIL mentioned that her and her husband would pay towards our wedding, and when going through quotes etc she stated that they had discussed paying for our reception costs (about £2500), which was a massive gesture for us, as we were unsure when we would be able to afford a wedding, having just had a baby and my job looking a little unsteady, and needing to move home.
So with that said, we started planning and I have been sourcing things, crafting things and getting all the plans underway for next March.

Yesterday, H2B came home from work looking rather miserable and said that he had taken a phonecall from MIL, stating that they now would not be paying for the reception, or indeed anything.

It turns out that she hadn't discussed anything with her husband (he is the sole income of their household) and that he had been very unhappy when she told him as he hadn't agreed to it at all.

I can see his point in that he is the only one that earns between them (though it is a very comfortable income) and he isn't H2B's actual dad and that he feels it was all planned and sneaked behind his back, with the intention of it being at his expense.

But at the same time, without their help, it is unlikely that we can afford our wedding now and I feel terribly upset and disappointed, and am I allowed to say let down slightly?!  image

Posts

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    yes you are allowed to feel let down! maybe u and H2B should talk to him and explain the situation? you could ask if he isnt willing to gift the money to instead treat it like a loan but with no interest? and possibly nearer the time he might feel guilty and/or change his mind and gift it instead as a gesture? hes prob feeling a little backed into a corner right now

    people can be funny about money unfortunatly :/

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    He's a very stubborn man - generally really nice, but very stubborn so I'm really not sure there is going to be much chance of swaying him. 

    H2B is talking of moving back the wedding by another year, but I'm worried that by doing so the bridesmaid dresses I want will no longer be readily available, then prices of things will have increased etc

    I know I'm probably being very selfish, but I just feel like the idea of the wedding has been ruined somewhat and I'm not feeling too comfortable about being around his parents either just yet  image

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Hi LeaMarie,

    Sorry to hear about this - your MIL has been very silly and unfairly put both you and your FIL in a very awkward situation. It's not fair on either of you and you're allowed to feel let down by her, but I would try not to feel upset with him.

    Could it be that he is reacting in the heat of the moment to be stubborn and assert himself and teach your MIL a lesson and that he might soften up a bit when he cools down and if he realises you two are victims of this situation too?

    He sounds like someone who is less likely to help if he is pressured and cornered into it and made to feel like everyone is sponging off him. To be honest, my mentality is kind of the same - I'm less likely to give to a charity for example, if I'm being hounded or pressured by a sales guy at the door. And would you really want to take a gift that was given begrudgingly and out of being pressured rather than out of love?

    I would say the best way to approach it would be for your OH to talk to him directly (without his mum) and say something sincere like  "I'm so sorry mum put you in this awkward situation, we were under the impression you had kindly agreed to help us financially so had started to book and plan things. We totally understand if you can't, we'll just have to postpone it for a year." If you let him off the hook, he may choose to help out of his own generosity, and if not at least you can move on from it and it won't affect your relationship with him. 

    I do feel for you, it's hard when you've been allowed to get excited about something and then have it taken away. I hope it will all work out and that you won't have to postpone xx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    instead of postponing by a year could you maybe have a different date/time i.e. maybe contact the venue as weekday weddings are cheaper or a winter wedding? later in the year but not next year?

    i do think u and OH have to talk to him and explain that u werent just taking his money without his knowlegde on purpose. and that u r now looking into re-aranging things as u understand thats its a big ask - also say that u could re-discuss the issue further down the line if he is willing to help

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    H2B is going to speak to them together this coming weekend I believe, so who knows.

    Laura; I do understand his point and I am also the same. I'm more hurt that - as you said - it feels like it was given with one hand then whipped away with the other.

    Hydrogirl: We had already planned our wedding on a weekday, outside of high season, booked a low budget venue with low budget food options etc, so there won't be any room for sway where that's concerned - if it has to be put back, then so be it, I'm just sulking!

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Update - He's not budging and things are looking VERY bad between MIL and her hubby  image

    So it looks as though we shall have to put the wedding back a year or two - I want to cry  image

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    awh! big hugs! could u possibly take out a loan? x

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    We've both agreed that we don't want to start out our marriage in debt, and that putting the date back preferable in regards to our personal situation etc

    Just a bit of a bummer really! 

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    It doesn't sound good on all counts hun - your MIL should not have said what she did in terms of helping out financially if she hadn't discussed it as it gave you false hopes - it doesn't look like there is anything you can do in this situation but to delay the wedding image

  • tinkymootinkymoo Posts: 419

    Oh no this is terrible!! I feel let down for you image xx

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    she was wrong to offer, but I'm sure her intentions were good not evil!

    I wouldn't try to badger them into paying.

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Oh, I know her intentions were not bad at all, and we're not badgering - I hope that's not that feeling put across?! I was merely voicing my disappointment at the situation in a safe area so as not to cause further upset.

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    So sorry to hear that LeaMarie. I can't imagine how disappointing it must be. Money can cause the worst problems between people. I hope MIL and her husband sort it out. 

    On a positive, it's amazing how fast time flies when you're planning a wedding. Even if 2016 feels like a long time away now, it will come around SO fast you won't believe it. You are being smart not putting yourselves into debt and you'll be able to enjoy the day so much more knowing it's not going to be a massive financial burden on you going into marriage xx

  • I really feel for you, I've had a similar thing with my mum but not on as big a scale. She's not in a position to give us much towards the wedding and we went into the planning expecting to pay for it all so we're greatful for what we are given but prior to another payment being needed for the venue mum said to let her know and she'd give us some more money. The time came, I let her know and she should said ok and no further offer was made. It was very disappointing as we'd altered the budget allowing for her contribution and it just feels like a bit of a set back. I know there's not really nay words of comfort there but I hope it just makes you feel like you're not the only one these things happen too.

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Thank you hun - That's pretty much how I feel...

    We had planned our budget around their contribution, and as it was such a large contribution towards our budget, the loss of it makes it very difficult to salvage anything for the date we had booked.

    It's not the end of the world, and I know I am being dramatic and selfish, I'm just sulking!

  • you're a bride to be you're allowed to be dramatic and selfish, I've certainly had my moments. I think its all part of the process

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I actually pouted when H2B told me lol

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    I will echo what Laura has said - time does seem to fly in the wedding planning stages! We are down to 65 days to go and must say I am fairly envious of all the girls in here planning their 2015 weddings! That being said I am sorry for the disappointment you've had to endure but remember that when parents are paying they tend to feel more entitled to make their opinions known - this way of it - you tell them to stick the great aunt nineteen times removed that they want to invite! xx

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Just added another ticker for the countdown if we have to put it back - depressed chuckles from me!

  • MrsOllie2BMrsOllie2B Posts: 9

    Oh no!! I would be like a spoilt brat! I've had offers of help from my parents but I think I'm going to budget for what we can afford and if we get any money ill change it later. So sorry!!image

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Well after a long talk with H2B, we have decided to put the date back a year anyway, so new wedding date will (hopefully!) be 25th March 2016.

    Not very nice seeing my countdown change from 329 days to 693!!!!  image

    I'm sad but focusing on the silver linigs, like it's more time to get the bits that we want, and my youngest will be a little older to enjoy it etc

    Now just to make sure that I can maintain a sensible weight for nearly two years! hahaha

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