Emotional Meltdowns

Hi all I need some support.  There's only 19 days to go until our big day and I'm stuck in an emotional rut.  The whole thing stems from me not being very good at making friends, I never have been, I have few good friends from the old days (living down the same road, school, Uni that sort of thing) but that's about it and none of them live that close by.  I met my h2b through internet dating and moved in with him 2 months later, now don't get me wrong, it wasn't that quick really, I love him to bits, he's my best friend and my soul mate, I know we're meant to be...but I'm lonely.  I moved here to be with him as he is a farmer and can't move away, which is fine,  I love where we're living.  He has a very large group of friends, which at first I thought was great (it's not something I'm used to) everybody was so welcoming and really interested in me, 2 years on though and no one seems that interested in being my friend, I feel like I only get invited to things because he's my fiancé,  I often get ignored, spoken over and I feel like I just don't fit in.  They're lovely people but the problem is they've all known each other for years and when you're as shy as I am....I've spoken about it to h2b and he's very sympathetic and understanding and will try and get me involved in conversations but I never feel on the same wave length as everyone else, I haven't had the same life experiences and it shows...I think they think I'm really boring as I haven't done hardly any thing they have! It came to a head a couple of weeks ago with my hen do, we had a lovely day but then it came to the evening...his friends ignored me and my friends completely...or that's how I construed it to be...a couple of them said to me later they thought I would want to spend the time with my friends as I don't get to see them very often. His friends were all very drunk and I just felt ill, it had been a very long busy day, I was dehydrated and not a fan of going out (due to being so shy), all in all it was a disastrous night and I went home and cried to my h2b.   I spent several days crying after that and he said he didn't want to go on his stag do because he didn't want to rub my face in it by having a good time on his when I had a rubbish night at mine.  I told him he had to go but that i wasn't looking forward to him going.  He promised me he wasn't going to drink much and would be home not long after the meal (he's not a big drinker or night out person anyway). So this weekend was his stag do I invited a few of 'his' friends over for a girly night in and an attempt at making better friends (it was fine but I still didn't feel like part of the group) it got to around midnight and they left, one of them to pick up her husband and some others, one of them was presumed to be my h2b. I waited up but he never came so I went to bed but couldn't sleep for worrying. I had a message from the one who had left to pick up her husband saying that my h2b had gone onto another bar. I sent him a text asking where he was, I got nothing, I text again still nothing. I fell asleep at that point but only for half an hour, he still wasn't home, I rang his phone no answer, I kept ringing but although it got answered the other end no one spoke, I was so mad at this point I was shouting down the phone at him even though I knew it was in a pocket and no one could hear. He eventually rolled in, extremely drunk and really apologetic but I was fuming, he had broke his promise and hurt my feelings. It turned out his friends had conviscated his phone and wouldn't give it back. I shouted at him for hours, he apologised for hours, was sick and then passed out. I on the other hand didn't sleep all night and was ill with worry and stress. Everything is getting on top of me and I felt betrayed by his actions and more hurt and alone t

Posts

  • Kimmi83Kimmi83 Posts: 28

    Than ever. Don't get me wrong I'm not upset he went out and got drunk on his wedding, I'm upset he said he wouldn't and then did, that I couldn't get hold of him and I'm jealous that he had fun on his stag do and I didn't on my hen do.  I feel more alone than ever, it just higlighted to me that they are all still his friends and I'm never going to fit in.  I'm scared of what's going to happen when he's busy in the summer working 16plus hour days, I'll be alone.  I love him and I want to marry but I'm freaking out, please tell me I'm not the only one freaking out so close to their wedding?! image xx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    dont worry everybody freaks out before their wedding!

    im in the same boat friends wise - im a bit shy but the main issue is that i moved around lots whereas hubby stayed in the same town (we both grew up in same town but never knew each other and met online) so my closest friends are a 8 hour drive away, i have a few i would speak to in passing but no close friends.

    my hen do consisted of me and my mum only whereas hubby had 6 friends plus his dad and his friends and yes i was annoyed that he had more fun than me

    however once u r married you will be more of a couple and as for his friend it will take a while for u to fit in etc but maybe start trying to make new friends i.e. go to a club or exercise class or maybe at ur job?

    p.s ur OH shouldnt have went out again however hes a guy and they r stupid frequently and dont think that things like that will upset us - which they do!

    chin up! x

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    I am in the same boat with being shy and finding it hard to make friends.  I think I come across as quite guarded and it takes me ages to be myself around people but I do try my hardest to fit in.

    Out of the girlfriends of my H2B's friends I am the youngest with the eldest being about 13 years older.  This doesn't really help and she can be quite intimidating too so I naturally shy away a bit.  She also doesn't hold back if she doesn't like something so I'm very cautious of inviting her and the others round!!

    I think you should try to look for other friends like Hydrogirl suggested.  Find people with similar interests if you can.  Also, don't be too hard on your H2B.  People get carried away on hen and stag dos and it's probably the last night he'll ever do something like that if you say he's not a big drinker image

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I sort of know how you feel, I moved away from home and haven't really made many friends since I did. Luckily I only moved 40 miles so it's not so bad but still I do get lonely sometimes wishing my girl friends lived closer so they could nip round now and again.

    Like Hydrogirl said have you thought about maybe joining a club or enrolling on a course where you could meet new people with similar interests?

    Personally I don't think you should be too mad with you OH, he was out on his stag do and although he did stay out longer than he said, he was probably just enjoying himself and lost track of time.

     

  • I can't really advise on much of this, but it was a really SHIT move of his friends to "confiscate" his phone. What if there had been a fucking emergency? Honestly some men can be such idiots and then people just wave their arms and say "boys will be boys". Which would be fine if the people involved were 12 and not grown fucking men.

    Urgh, sorry but stuff like this really makes me angry!

    It's only been two years with these people don't forget. If you are spending your life with this person then over time you will naturally become part of the group as new in jokes and experiences happen and you are included with them. But obviously making friends isn't a one sided thing. You can't expect these people to be best friends with you if you aren't prepared to go out of your comfort zone and make an effort on your side as well. You say that they are nice people, so that's a brilliant start. But aside from that it would be helpful perhaps to start building your own friends circle in your area. You've already moved to be with your fiance, so you don't want to lose yourself entirely and simply absorb yourself into his life. You need your own life too!

  • LollybearLollybear Posts: 548

    Hi Kimmi 

    so sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I had something similar a little while ago. We both moved to a new place where we didn't know anyone. His friends are all in one area but mine are spread over the country (I haven't stayed friends with anyone from home so they are mostly people from Uni or friends I have picked up through different clubs etc) 

    I must admit I struggle to feel part of his group of friends. They all grew up together too and I don't know all the in jokes they share. Recently H2b has started noticing that and he doesn't like it. He would rather spend time with my friends who welcome him in more and are interested in spending time as much with him as me. 

    Give it time, like you said they are lovely people and you will become more and more apart of that group the same way my OH is becoming more part of mine. 

    It is tough meeting new people, if you are really shy how about joining a forum to get to know people with similar interests? I have meet a fair few of my closest friends that way. 

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    Are there any local groups you could join to make some friends of your own, where about are you? If not then like Lolly said try joining a forum for something you're interested in. I don't make friends easily and I can count REAL friends on one hand. Keep your chin up Hun x

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I'm sorry, going to be rather controversial here, but you have no right to be so angry at him for enjoying his stag do! I understand that you did not enjoy your hen (but you put some of that down to feeling unwell, which is no one's fault and would likely have contributed largely to your lack of enjoyment of the evening, especially as you stated that the day part was fine). 

    His friends, although no, not your friends, DID make the effort to come out for your hen do - they didn't actually have to, so they must like you in order to do that, and it could actually be that they were genuinely thinking of you when distancing themselves so that you could enjoy your time with your own friends that you do not see often.

    I really don't want to sound harsh, but it seems that you are feeling very lonely ad sorry for yourself (which is completely allowed considering the circumstances) but you are finding 'reasons' where they may not actually exist! 

    It can be very difficult to integrate a new person, especially a shy person, into a large group of friends that known each other a long time, but from your description, it does sound like they have tried to accommodate you into the group.

    I'm sorry that you feel lonely - I too have previously moved away from my friends and family to be with a partner, and it is really difficult. I am a very outgoing person and I really struggled to make friends too, and I felt incredibly lonely. 

    As some of the other girls have suggested, it may be worth looking into social groups around you (for example, a WI or Ladies Circle hold social events on a regular basis and are very welcoming), or join some online forums based around any hobbies you may have?

    It is normally to feel so freaked out before your wedding, but try not to take it out on your H2B - he's probably feeling the strain too and worrying about you on top 

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