Forum home Emotional support

I don't know if I can do this....

Ok everyone I realise I am going I sound like a complete drama queen but I'm really really upset and I don't know what to do. I have a major issue .. I just got back from my hen do (my bridesmaids and mother in law only my mum couldn't come) and I had a amazing time but apart from all the comments my mother in law made from commenting on my dress (I  think lace dress are very common and I think they look cheap.. I only had lace because my mother made me have it) about my weight (a size 12 wow that must be a massive size 12 ...(I'm a 10 to 12 and quite self conscience of my 32gg boobs) lace dresses really are for very skinny brides...(looks at me and pulls a face) your boobs are a funny shape .. on my bridesmaids dresses which her two daughters are wearing (I hate the dresses they are hideous and un flattering but I suppose it ur choice .. I have got back burst into tears .. I maybe overreacting because she says all this stuff in a passive jokey way .. My hubby to be nos but he's spoken to her about it and she says that she never said it or cries or both 

 

I realise im not marring my mother but it's not really true or fair because he loves her and I hate her ... It's giving me serious cold feet because ok he talks to her then she cries then she cries to the other side of that family.. And I'm shunned at family occasions till I'm forced to make up and ignore her comments for my partners sake(which has happened in the past)

 

i dont want want to get married anymore because I'm worried I'm gonna look like a whale ...she's even said that I should cancel having to photographers because let's face it unless I go on a crash diet that it's really a waste 

 

I would say something at the time but I can't explain it but she says all this in such a way I would be a bitch to call her it...

i love my partner but I don't think I can have her in my life without trying to end my own .

i keep crying because I can't see a way out x

 

Posts

  • My bridal dress is a sample 12 by pronovias (so I don't know maybe they do have massive sizes) 

  • twiddlystickstwiddlysticks Posts: 320

    Oh I'm so sorry to read your post you sound so disheartened and didn't want to read and run! 

    I know it doesn't help much but there are so many brides to be on here that have constant issues with their MIL's too. I'm currently having issues with mine at the moment. I truly believe they are sent here just to try us! It must be some kind of initiation.

    I don't really know what to suggest as you've already spoken to H2B but maybe brooch the subject again. Perhaps if he can see how much this is hurting you he will take a firmer stand with his mother. 

    Big Hugs - hang in there. You will look stunning on your wedding day (you sound like you have an amazing figure most of us would kill for! lol) and I'm sure you will have a very happy marriage (despite your MIL's best efforts!) x

  • Aimee Jones2Aimee Jones2 Posts: 417

    You should not have to put up with this! I lived for years with my nan telling me that I would never be like my aunty who had a lovely figure that I was fat etc all it took was my dad to stand up to her and she stopped, she's never said another word and i think she realised what she was saying was wrong! You need to make it clear to your partner what his mother is doing and he needs to stand up for you whether she cries or not! Does anybody else ever hear her day these things? If yes could it be she doesn't realise she's being this way? I'm not standing up for her at all, I think it's awful for anybody to say things that make somebody feel so uncomfortable about themselves!! And sweetheart a size 12 is not huge no matter what she says!! I was chuffed today because I fit into a size 14 comfortably today lol I'm sorry if I've waffled!! Seriously talk to somebody about this x x 

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    She sounds like my future sister in law. Your marriage is about your families coming together, he really needs to talk to her about her behaviour and why she is treating you unfairly. Has she been like this towards his previous partners?

    If you are buying a size 12 wedding dress you must be standard size 10-12 which as twiddlysticks said many of us would love to be! I have no doubt that you will look stunning! What did she think of Kate Middleton's dress, bet that wasn't cheap!!?!!!

    I would explain that this is really making you feel low and that you want to be together but you do not want her to drive a wedge between you two. What bridesmaid dresses did you go for?

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Just seen your wedding dress thread from ages ago, you really do look beautiful image

    Another option;

     

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Oh blushing bride, she sounds like a monster but please don't let her put you off marrying the right man for you. I do agree that he should stand up for you with her.

    Has she always been this way or only since getting engaged? It sounds to me like she might be jealous that she's not the most important woman in his life anymore (mums can get like that over their sons). I know of a lot of MIL/girlfriend relationships which have changed once they get engaged or married - it's some sort of crazy fight for power/influence. Hopefully once she realises she can't scare you off and that you're in her son's life for better for worse, she might back off.

    Don't let this woman bully you. Also, be honest with your OH so he knows exactly what's going on. I'm sure he knows you well enough to know you're not making these things up.

    I don't know if you hope to have children in the future, but I've seen a definite shift in 'power' in the wife's favour as soon as grandchildren come into the picture. If she wants to be a big part of their life, she ought to mind how she treats you!

    Finally, not that it matters what size you are, but size 12 is nothing! It sounds like you have a gorgeous figure, and again, she's just making childish attempts to put you down and assert her alpha-woman status. Don't let her psyche you out! You'll look amazing and the most important person, your husband, will be blown away xxx

  • Angie jAngie j Posts: 448

    What a nasty piece of work she is! Personally I just would not let her speak to me like that, but if you really cant confront her then your H2b should really sort her out. Could your mum/dad speak to her & tell her how upsetting she is being? 

    At a size 12 you are hardly fat! far from it. It does sound like she is jealous & must have he own insecurities to keep putting you down like that. I can hardly believe what she has said to you! I'm angry for you.  Please dont let her spoil your big day you will look gorgeous Im sure & your H2b will think so too, maybe that's what is bothering her. Nasty vindictive woman! 

  • Err.....no offense to you, but it sounds like you are marrying a complete and utter coward. How dare your h2b let this woman treat you in this way. This should be a man who stands up for you! Not pat you on the back and shrug helplessly like some fucking child.

    This woman is not your master. You have NO reason to be polite to her if she is treating you in this way. You need to sit down with your husband and outline exactly what she said to you. Don't give a summary. Use the EXACT wording. Quote what she said word for word and be serious when you say it to him. Then tell him if he will not deal with a member of his family treating you like this, he is condoning her behaviour, and he is bringing shame on you. I FUCKING HOPE YOU'RE NOT CHANGING YOUR NAME TO FIT IN WITH THIS HIDEOUS FAMILY.

    Who are your bridesmaids? They must have been there when she was saying this. Get them to back you up. This is utterly unacceptable. 

    Next time she makes a passive aggressive comment about your appearance, give one straight back to her, because FUCK HER.

    If she makes a comment about a crash diet make a comment about maybe she should look into botox. If she says how tacky your lace dress is make a comment about old women dressing as mutton come lamb. If she says about not having a photographer, then you can again smile sweetly and say "that's a great idea! If there are no pictures then I can just forget that you were ever there! Thanks for the tip!"

    If she tells you your boobs are a funny shape, you can smile sweetly at her and say "well your son can't keep his hands off of them sweetheart" and keep smiling at her.

    Also, you need to bring your mum in on this - I assume you two are close, and I hope that's the case. Make sure your mum knows what's going on - mum's should be very protective over their daughters, and often are. If I ever have a daughter and some bitch spoke to her like that I would slowly but surely tear her to shreds. 

    She speaks to you like this because you let her. Don't let her. You are not some little weakling, you are a grown woman. Stand up for yourself! We are taught to respect our elders, but that's only the case when they deserve respect. She doesn't. If you let her have power over you then it's over.

    Alternatively I am more than willing to come and have coffee with you as a "old friend from pony club/school/church group/whatever" and utterly destroy her if she makes any comments. I despise women like her. Sometimes you need to see that someone is only human to have the courage to make a stand.

    Seriously.

    Unless you live in like, Scotland, because that's too far.

  • Angie jAngie j Posts: 448

    Lol well said Redwhitebluelondon image  I agree with everything you said but was holding back & being polite!  I hope OP takes some notice of what you have said. Good luck hun x

  • God I'm still fuming on your behalf!!!!

    My mother in law died when my h2b was a teenager. I would give so much to have been able to meet her, even just once. It breaks my heart that she won't be there to see her son married. And then you have women like this bitch who are such bitter, vapid old hags that they can't even appreciate the fact they have had the chance to meet the woman their son wants to marry. And to BE THERE to see it happen.

    Urgh. I've already thought of at least 20 passive aggressive nonpliments (non-compliments) to give her. 

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    I agree that she should not speak to you in a demeaning manner and your OH should be supporting you, but do not lower yourself to her level otherwise your OH will have nothing to back you up with and will not appreciate YOU speaking to his mum that way. It would look like you are sparked it off. Take the high road by standing your ground, say you are fed up with the comments and that she must stop undermining you. Be polite but to the point.

    http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-an-Overbearing-In%E2%80%90Law 

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling this way! You really shouldn't be subjected to that kind of emotional abuse. Have you told h2b?If so, what has he said?

    I have a lousy relationship with my in-laws, to the extent that they aren't even coming to the wedding :/ some families/people can be very strange!

  • I agree with image but only to a point. You should definitely speak to your husband AGAIN about what has been going on before you say anything back to his mum. If he doesn't want you to stand up for yourself, then he needs to actually do something.

    There is this bizarre myth that if you ignore bullies (and this woman IS a bully) then they will get bored and leave you alone. I don't know where this myth comes from, because it's frankly bullshit. The only time bullies stop is when the person they are victimising shows them that they are prepared to fight fire with fire. 

    If you still think it's too much to do yourself then take the other suggestion - get either your mum or a third party (an old friend whatever) to do it for you. 

  • NuggyNuggy Posts: 527

    This is ridiculous! How dare she, what a bitch! I'm with redwhitebluelondon! She needs to be dealt with and soon! 

  • Ignore her.... She is jealous. And a size 12 (Spanish designer) sample is a uk size ten. Just explain to her that the shops that people her age go to label clothes differently as most of them tend to put on a few pounds when they get older but dont like to admit theyve changed dress size ( whilst looking at her spare tyre with a smirk)image
  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    lol Barbados 2013 wish there was a like button sometimes!

  • Thankyou girls and I have spoken to other half who basically spoke to his mother who cried and said she's not coming to the wedding as I am making all this stuff up ... H2b said that until she apologises she won't be hearing from him (they work in a family business) to make matters worse .... Is it bad that I'm actually thrilled she's not coming !! Her argument foe the weight comment was she was a size 6 on her wedding day and I have put on a few pounds (I had a op on my leg) .. Ok glad he did it but he looks a bit heartbroken when a few other people from he side of the family said they weren't coming because of what "I did" ... Ehgg voodoo doll is a amazing idea xxxx

  • Manipulative bitch.

    She isn't going to miss her son's wedding. She is just trying to emotionally blackmail your h2b into choosing "her side".

  • Mrs CashMrs Cash Posts: 209

    It sounds to me like she's a little bit jealous that there is going to be another woman in his life. I know you've been there for a while but getting married means you're definitely not going anywhere, is she struggling to cut the apron strings and 'let' another woman but the main woman in his life? 

    its hard when someone is constantly putting you or your choices down, but its your wedding not hers and as other brides have said, if she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to come! The only people that matter are you and your h2b image Keep your chin up xx

  • FaithlessCFaithlessC Posts: 18

    I have now got a total girl crush on redwhitebluelondon! I couldn't have said it better myself.

    If the MIL2B was just thoughtless, tactless and rude without meaning to be (my MIL runs her mouth off all the time and genuinely doesn't realise that she's a judgemental megabitch, then I'd say ignore her, do not involve her in any of the wedding prep and keep visits to just an occasional Christmas if you HAVE to, but this woman clearly realises she is being nasty and cruel to you and deserves nothing less than the same back. Stand up for yourself. Every little comment should be responded to with everything you have. Counter any snidey remark full force and eventually she will realise that she needs to hold her tongue or get verbally ripped to shreds every time.

     

    Well done to your H2B for saying something to her. If she won't come to the wedding because SHE was a bitch to you then it's 100% HER problem and it will only make your special day more enjoyable to not have to worry about what she is going to say.

  • T 1608T 1608 Posts: 9

    Ignore the silly woman.  My MIL is also driving me nuts so I know how you feel.  She gives me entire lists of things she wants then innocently says Oh but its your day?  And our rehearsal dinner was only supposed to the bridal party and people who have to far to travel on the wedding morning.  She has invited her entire family, so we now have a BBQ for 60 people! A late night is really what I want before walking down an aisle and a whole day of being centre of attention with over 100 people! Seriously though, MIL's are sent to try us and its not fun but just don't think of her, think of your h2b and just focus on him.  He will think you look stunning and that is what matters, not what she thinks! xx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    wow this sounds almost exactly like my MIL and OH! its really hard for them to accept that their mothers are actually evil cows im afraid

    if i were u for your own sanity - do what i did. put ur foot down aand refuse to see her again. i allow my husband to go see her when he needs to but i dont see her - i dont need that in my life! and neither do u! if she is anything like my MIL she will not think she has ever done anything wrong and has absolutly no taste anyway so comments about lace can be taken with a pinch of salt! unless ur dress is like lace curtains or doilies lol

    as for size... i was a 10-12 until MIL properly went for me just after a back injury then the stress made me eat more and i was a size 14-16 on my wedding day (she is a natural size 10, alway has, always will but her arse is huge and has no boobs - her husband often stares at my DDs and hubby loves them so flaunt them!)

    this might make u feel like u r not alone - http://forum.scottishweddingdirectory.co.uk/showthread.php?26771-I-need-major-help-with-inlaws!(and-BM)

  • ji77ji77 Posts: 13

    She sounds hateful. Glad to hear your partner has stood up to her. The two of you need to present a united front or she will destroy you image saw it happen to a friend of a friend.

     

    If you are hoping to start a family please be clear between yourselves that you will keep contact to a minimum and not stand for any nonsense. If she gets to drip her poison into a child's ear the consequences could be horrific.

     

    There's a book called Toxic In-laws you might find useful. Good luck!

    Oh and it doesn't matter what size you are her comments are unacceptable. If you were Karlie Kloss she'd find something else to needle you about.

     

  • There are a couple of ways you can handle this in the future... you can...

    1.point it out but keep it jokey ( like she does) everytime she says something you dont like then you can say to her " thats a bit mean" or " jokingly " say thats going in the MIL from hell book. She will get the hint.

    2. confront her

    3. make a decision as a couple that you will try with her one more time and thats it.

    but Trust me you need to put your foot down right now. I agree with Ji77. if you think its bad now you just wait till you have a family.

    she is your hubby to be's mum not yours! this woman is trying to upset you with her rude snide comments. simple. dont let letting her comments get to you?

    I think if you tell your H2B that it is making you reconsider whether you even want to get married. Thank him for standing up for you and say to him you dont have a problem at all about his relationship with his mum seeing/visiting etc etc , but it is clear that she doesnt like you and you have tried with her. because you dont like seeing him in the middle, if he wants you to, you will try with her one last time,  but if she does it again then you arent willing to put yourself in this situation any longer. after all everyone concerned here is an adult. it's just that you and your H2b are the only ones acting like it.

     

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    This has reminded me of an ex partner's family, I kept hearing comments from his Mum about her views which put me down. My (then) OH started talking about what we might do if we got married and his Mum seemed to think she would be orgnising everything. Erm... no. It didn't work out thankfully. 

    I am so pleased that your OH has backed you up and put her in her place. Let her have a huff and wait by the phone for you. I remember being worried about what it would be like to bring up my children around the dreaded MIL! Just try not to smile when she backs down. Its will put her in her place and mean less hassle later.

     

     

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    OP - We are in a situation where h2b's mum, dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew aren't coming to the wedding, and like you, as bad as it sounds I'm glad about it.

    I'd much rather we all got on and they could come, but we don't, and the drama was just too much for us to handle. H2B made the decision for them not to be there, and for both of us it feels like a weight lifted off our shoulders that we won't be juggling with family politics on our big day - so hopefully you feel the same!

    I'm really glad your h2b stood up for you and defended you, that's really great of him image

Sign In or Register to comment.