Budgeting Blues

Having a bit if a budget meltdown at the moment. We're getting married at the start of August and I'm really stressed with my partner about money. We've not got a lot of money and we're working to a tight budget and are having to cut back day-to-day to cover the costs. My parents have contributed, as has his mum and then we're supposed to be filling the gap (which is the majority). In the last year I have really changed my lifestyle to save money, however my partner doesn't seem to of changed anything and now we are getting to the point where we need to make final payments I'm getting incredibly stressed about it.   we have chosen everything for the wedding together, so nothing has been me doing a bridezilla and demanding things. We both agreed what we would be able to save each based on our earnings and I have been doing this, but have seen nothing from him. When I quiz him and tell him. We need to start making final payment, he tells me it's fine and to stop nagging. But I've seen no evidence it's fine.   In fact all I do see is him spending more and more on himself - buying bikes, joining gyms, buying clothes etc. Then today he's called me following a dentist visit to say he's arranged to get his teeth whitened, that must surely be costing in the region of £400! I'm furious, but if he's telling me to stop worrying about the money and nagging am I justified in feeling like this. Or is my fury coming from a place of jealousy because I've gone without for so long? It's now starting to make me worry about finances post wedding. We've discussed this, but again it all feels like words because the actions I'm seeing don't support this.    I'm also feeling embarrassed, my parents don't have huge amounts of money and they have been going without themselves to pull together a contribution. So when my H2B turns up with a new bike (or worse still one whiter teeth) it hurts.   

Posts

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    It is always really really hard trying to save for a wedding - especially with seperate accounts!? My OH are in the same boat - for 2 years I saved everything and ended up paying £3000 towards the wedding .. my OH was paying off his debts, which was fine. 

    Fast forward to 3 months to go and Im still saving more than he is - £300 out of my wages, plus agency that I work, plus extra money that I spend on gifts and general stuff. My OH on the other hand only pays agency money that he gets towards the big day because despite the fact he is a senior nurse and Im merely a nurse.. he has so so many mroe things to pay out for.

    I thnk, you have to look at things realistically. At the end of the day, as long as the big things are paid for - the little things will come together. And men are so bloody clueless as to what happens and how much things are. 

    Maybe sit down and show him exactly how much you are forking out for and scare him abit - I had to do the same for my OH! 

    XxX

  • J14J14 Posts: 121

    I'm sorry to say it but I think its a bit worrying, he's either terrible with money or burying his head in the sand, or both.  What happens if (God forbid) one of you lost your job what would happen to paying the mortgage would he just carry on spending? I think if he's buying himself these things and still paying out for the wedding when things have to be paid then thats up to him, his money at the end of the day but if he's buying things and not contributing to your (AND HIS) wedding then you need to have a serious conversation before it gets out of hand.  

  • Rachel 14Rachel 14 Posts: 232

    It might just be a man thing, I'm constantly stressed about money and will put money in my saving the minute I get paid so I'v got some set aside 'Just incase'  whereas my H2B feels his burning a hole in his pocket and just wants to spend spend spend all the time.
    Saying that though, he managed to save the money for my E ring without me even noticing...

    Do you know exactly how much he earns? He might be way ahead of you in the saving dept? Men tend to have different priorities, but they can also be very practical and task orientated, so maybe he's doing better than you think. Have Faith in him!!!

    Maybe suggest you open a 'wedding bank account' so you can put all your money in there and pay everything out from there so it's easier to keep track of, that way you can see how much he has saved and is saving? And he can't fob you off.

  • Well it sounds like you have a right to be worried. I seem to have travelled back in time to the 1950's with these comments about "don't worry! Men are task orientated! Men are so practical!" when clearly there is zero evidence for that in this situation.

    It sounds like you are sort of throwing passive aggressive comments at him about spending/saving in the hope that it will lead to an actual conversation about what the fuck he is doing. I don't blame you for that - it's how lots of people try to broach difficult subjects in a conversation because it's less confrontational. However, he probably isn't picking up on it, and is only hearing your "nagging" which he (very clearly) isn't taking seriously.

    I think you need to figure this out before you get married. I've read many a time that differing attitudes and views on finances are one of the biggest causes of marital problems, especially for newly weds. 

    You need to sit down with your h2b and talk to him seriously about this. Try and keep it factual such as:

    so the final deposit is X amount. We have X from my parents and Y from your parents. So we need to pay the W that remains. Over the last year I've managed to save X amount of money, but as far as I know, we are still short by X amount. Now, I have to be honest, but I have no idea how much you have saved. You keep telling me it's fine, but I won't know that until you tell me exactly where we stand at the moment on the money issue. So I need to know from you here and now how much you have saved, so we know whether we have got everything sorted, or whether there is anything left we need to save for".

    Basically, this man is an adult. If he sulks, or writhes around, or try and avoids the question then personally...I don't really understand why you would want to marry him anyway. Don't launch into an assault on his spending habits, because he might already saved a substantial amount of money.

    So basically, keep speaking to him calmly and seriously about needing to know where you both stand on the savings issue (don't get emotional about it, it won't help).

    If it turns out that he hasn't saved much, or anything, I think that's when you can bring up his reckless spending. I mean, I hope it's not the case, but if he is wasting money on things like bloody teeth whitening instead of saving for a wedding, that would suggest to me that he wasn't particularly invested (unintentional pun) in the wedding.

  • Akp79Akp79 Posts: 7

    Thank you ladies for your replies and sorry for the slow response/update! Redwhitebluelondon - I think you are spot on with everything you've said. I have definitely been more passive agressive in all of this and need to be a lot more 'adult' in my approach. So following your post I arranged for us to have a night in together and talk seriously about everything. It was a really successful evening in theory, he took on board a lot of what I have said and has taken on a lot more responsibility for things. 

    Thank you again for the support. 

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