Stag do woes...

Yes another crazy bride here!

Me & OH have just returned from stag and hen weekend. I went to Marbella with the girls, he went to Magaluf. 

I have never agreed with men going to strip clubs, it's just my opinion that men who are in relationships shouldn't have to look at other women half naked/naked. However, on his friends stag do 2 years ago he asked me and I said I don't mind him going as long as he doesn't get a private dance so what does he do?! Goes and get's a private dance and then insists it's not "private" because him and his friend were in a room with 2 girls together. To me, if you pay for it, you are not only then just mucking around and getting an eyeful you are taking it to the next level where you obviously want them to take more clothes off etc. 

I was so hurt when I found out and haven't got much body confidence anyway so it really got me down for a couple of weeks then we moved past it. This stag do he asked again and I said I am trusting him as we are now getting married next month and he must be able to keep promises to me so go ahead and don't get a private dance.

We are back and he insists he didn't get any privates etc etc then is telling me stories about his friends with prostitutes etc and it just horrifies me! I believe that he didn't get any dances etc I am just genuinely horrified at how some men behave!

Okay on my hen weekend, I did a scavenger hunt whilst very drunk and had to get a guys boxers, get a piggy back round a night club etc and there was a stag party where the groom went into the toilets took off his boxers and gave them to me and me and my friends were wetting ourselves the next morning when I woke up with them in my handbag but does anyone feel like women can do it in good nature but men are just sleazy? Urgh I hate males! LOL

Is it only me that feels this way? Am I crazy?! It makes me feel sick to think of him seeing other women naked but I knew I had to take a step back and let him prove to me I can trust him and especially as we are getting married! Argh I'm so glad he's home now ha ha ha! He was laughing at the pictures of me on facebook on this guys back with his boxers in my hand and the reason I put them all up on there is

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  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    because I have absolutely nothing to hide! However he has banned his friends from sharing photos... Hmmm lol

  • CakeybrideCakeybride Posts: 279

    Mrs c to be....

    I completely agree that with females it seems a laugh but ALOT of men seem to take it to another level. 

    I am dreading my mans stag... I trust him but i am a jealous cow lol... He is mine mwahahahaaa *evil laugh* ??? he has a lot of, um, sad friends loL. But whatever happens im sure we will laugh about it afterwards.

    I think the main point is that u beleive he didnt get a private dance again... Although the no photo thing would bug the hell out of me!

    c x

  • PenguinsEmmaPenguinsEmma Posts: 180

    Maybe I'll be in the minority but, to me, a private dance wouldn't be the end of the world. A lot of the time stag dos just seem to be about getting as drunk as possible with the stag often not even make it as far as a strip club due to the copious amounts of alcohol plied on him by his mates! And so what if he does? I've always said I would only have an issue with it if it was a regular occurance as that to me *does* say something about the relationship. 

    I think women are far from innocent on hen dos. Most I see are my worst nightmare, and at risk of getting shot here - the women just use it as an excuse to act like men!!

    If your H2B was asking some woman for her knickers as part of a dare would you think it so funny? Probably not. I in no way mean this as a personal attack on anyone as each to their own but there's two sides to it and I think women often like to think theirs is harmless fun but if their H2B was partaking in the same "harmless fun" I'm not sure it would be seen the same. 

     

  • But there's a rather substantial difference between asking a fully clothed man for his boxers, which he duly goes into private to change out of, and having a woman, naked, grinding herself on you, and you specifically paying for that privilege. 

    MrsC2B2014 - I don't think any of this makes you "weird" or "prude" or in any way unreasonable. I would SERIOUSLY re consider my opinions of anyone I know through h2b if it turned out they were messing around with prostitutes on a stag do. 

    I you believe your h2b that he didn't get any private dances, then you don't need to worry. But you could sit down with him and tell him honestly that anyone messing around with PROSTITUTES at a stag do not just crosses the line, but obliterates it. 

    If you don't really believe that h2b did get a private dance, then this is something you need to deal with before the wedding. Why on earth would you marry someone who you couldn't trust for something as small as that? If he can't respect you by respecting a promise to you now, then why will he later? This isn't just some petty issue, this is basically a question of "do you trust your h2b" and just as equally "does your h2b respect his promises to you".

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    personally i feel  it depends on the man, if my husband (before our marriage or now) went up to a girl and asked for her knickers on his stag i would not think it as sleezy as i know hes not a sleezy guy. not all men are brandished with the same brush - i actually gave hubby extra money for his stag to get a private dance if he wanted one - he never just got a few more lap dances as the private dance was too expensive lol - i trust him and we r completely honest about stuff (he has since been on 2 more stags and gotten two more lap dances - and i honestly dont mind! i find it quite funny)

    as for stags... unfortunatly the men WILL go to strip clubs, they will get lap dances, private dances etc whether they want to or not as his friends will see it as funny (more so if u say hes not allowed or he doesnt want one) and they r normally very drunk so will sumbcome to peer preasure etc. it doesnt mean that he intentianly lied to u or set out to cheat on u and its not a lack of respect or trust! it more likely means he didnt want to look silly in front of the guys!

    maybe you should visit a strip club and see what actually happens etc? as its not like in the movies

    i also think its a bit silly of u to have those photos on FB, personally how would u feel if somebody looked at them and thought of u like u think of men (sleezy) and if u r ever applying for jobs etc? maybe make them private? he might not want to show u his photos becoz he is embarressed or worried that u will react badly and take them in the wrong way etc

  • Weddin crazyWeddin crazy Posts: 1,743

    I'm sure this is gunna be an unpopular view but I just don't understand why u would want to go round gettin boxers or goin to strip clubs, everyone is diff but it works for me and hubby I wouldnt want to go out doin that when i could be with my hubby and he is the same, why would he want to go to strip clubs leaving his now wife at home. It's each to their own and to be honest we have never been the 'going out drink in' couple so tht might be the reason why this works for us. Think all couples are diff but u both have to be happy with the way ur relationship works. 

  • EllieTeaEllieTea Posts: 25

    I agree with Wifey2b14 about being demanding about what he can and can't do, let him know your feelings about strip clubs but would you have changed your Hen Do if he'd said he doesn't like the idea of you asking other men for their underwear?

    We have a while to go before our stags and hens but we've already discussed it. I've told my OH if he goes to a strip club that's his decision - I personally have no issues with it, though I find it a bit sad paying to be turned on by a woman that has absolutely no interest in you whatsoever (other than your wallet!). I actually think I'd be more annoyed if he came home with another woman's knickers!

  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    I agree with a of your views even the ones different to mine I understand as everyone has different opinions. I didnt try and control what he was and wasn't doing thats why I said to him I don't mind if he goes to a strip club as long as he doesn't pay for a private dance and he kept his promise, I wouldn't want to tell him what he can and can't do as he knows me and obviously kept me in his thoughts and didn't get one because he knows I don't like it. I trust him 100% I guess I'm just a little insecure which I think stems from a difficult childhood as everyone I loved left me ie my mum and dad and the only people I trust are my nan & grandad as they bought me up and kept all of there promises to me. I've had a difficult year with my grandad dying of Cancer and I just think my mind went into over drive. He has shown me the pictures now and said he didn't want them on fb because of other blokes girlfriends. There wasn't anything really bad except a few of the taken men snuggling up drunk to girls in nightclubs for a pic (not kissing or anything) that he was worried would cause trouble which I understand now x

  • Bonzo1984Bonzo1984 Posts: 74

    Sorry but I think you are completely within your rights to ask your h2b not to do something you would find upsetting or disrespectful and in no way are you "controlling" him.

    The "boys will be boys" attitude is just rolled out to excuse awful male behavior.

    An as red white and blue said I really don't think we can compare asking a bloke for his boxers with paying someone to take their clothes off and dance for you in a private room.

    And to be honest I think just going to a strip club, without the private dance is worse than the boxer thing anyway.

    Please don't feel bad MrsC if you trust that he did what you asked him I would let it go now but don't feel like you are being "Crazy" or "controlling" because you're not.

     

  • mrshughes2013mrshughes2013 Posts: 2,063

    Tbh I think there's 2 types of men that go on stag do's-1.lads weekend, get drunk, go see some naked girls,get embarrassed and then drink more, set up the stag and generally make themselves sick with drink

    2. See it as a chance to get away from the usual,possibly fool around with a women swear all the other lads to secrecy, make the stag feel awkward about his stag do,drink a lot and generally make it about themselves

    i know this because there was 2 types on my hubbys stag do,hubby being a number 1 type who unfortunately witnessed his friend go nuts when he found out there was no strip clubs in Bruges and mess around with a hen from another party that was there at the time. Hubby said it was just embarrassing and no one talked to him the next day as he called his fiancé and two children acting innocent as ever. there was also a friend who was banned from going by his long term gf(because she opted out of the hen do) who the next time he saw the stag/hubby said as his first words 'who got lucky then?' To which both hubby and best mates husband said 'are you serious?' We are happy with what we've got at home-I was standing next to them when they said this

    it seriously depends on the individual but all men do get tarred with the same brush when on stag do's so if you trust your fiancé then doubts wouldn't seep in, I told mine to go to a strip club if he wanted I just drew the line at private dances and did he have anything he wouldn't be happy with on my hen do,he didn't and he understood about the private dance-which he never got

    its about mutual understanding and respect 

  • Some of the responses you are getting on this thread must have been really difficult to post considering they seem to have been sent from the 1940's. The same people here saying things like "Well, regardless of your own strong personal feelings on the matter, your partner is obviously going to completely disregard them, because, you know, BOYS WILL BE BOYS, so you just need to learn your place, which is below the whims of your husband's friends". It's the same kind of attitude that had women fifty years ago telling new wives "well obviously you're husband is going to have affairs, BOYS WILL BE BOYS, but what's important is that he comes home to you and provides for you". Or my absolute favourite "if you insist on talking about YOUR FEELINGS then your man will just hide things from you". Yeah...because women shouldn't express worries or feelings to their future husbands. They should smile and stay in the kitchen, and make sure their man get's his needs catered for! 

    Putting aside the particular subject at hand, there are these things called respect and boundaries in a relationship, and they will be different from couple to couple. Every couple should be able to discuss these boundaries and either accept them or come up with a compromise which works for them. Just because one person's boundary is different to another's, it doesn't make them wrong or unreasonable.

    Respecting a partner's boundary (once agreed on) is about respecting your partner, and not wanting to hurt them or make them unhappy. 

  • Bonzo1984Bonzo1984 Posts: 74

    Agree 100% redwhitebluelondon.

     

  • CDF2014CDF2014 Posts: 35

    It's the other women on nights out you want to worry about, not the strippers taking their clothes off for money! My fiancé is going to Magaluf and having been there myself a few times it worries me knowing how up-for-it the women are! But if you trust your man there should be nothing to worry about, strippers or horny teenagers! haha. But that doesn't mean I won't be sat at home with crazy thoughts going through my mind, but it's all over in a few days. Try not to let it stress you out too much, we are marrying these men after all and should be able to trust them. Xxx

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