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Bridesmaid dilemna

Hey Ladies!

Sorry to annoy you with that, but Im so annoyed - and I cannot even talk about it to my best friend - because it is about her!!!

I know my best friend for more than 15 years and we have always been very close. Even when I left france to live in the UK 3 years ago, our friendship stayed the same. Two years ago her sister got married and she was disappointed not to be her bridesmaid - I then promised her that she would be mine! At that time, her being my best friend, it was the perfect choice!

However, things have changed since then. She met this guy a year ago (divorced with 2 kids and much older than her), and they felt both deeply in love. Since then, our relationship has changed - we are still reglarly in contact by emails, but we have different subjects of conversation (me going out and partying, and her looking after (his) children and staying at home). And, what annoys me even more, is that she doesnt make any efforts to meet me when I am back in france (she made up a story once because she just wanted to stay wit her bf). She doesnt have any interest in the wedding planning, we dont go out anymoe, she is just thinking about him - she became one of these friends that have only 1 priority in life: their bf!

2 weeks ago, she sent me a letter to tell me that she booked plane tickets to come & see me in London. She added that it could be a good opportunity for us to go and try dresses, for her to see the venue etc. A girly week-end ! I was so happy : she is making an effort and shows a little bit of interest! 

But this morning, she sent me a very short email telling me that her boyfriend would like to come so they will book an hotel. Nothing else than that! no reference to the dresses fitting, nothing. Like she forgot everything....

Im very disappointed - I could answer to her saying that I would like her to come on her own, but I think it is a more general feeling of being fed-up and I dont even know if I really want her to be my bridesmaid.....

Would you keep a bridesmaid that doesnt care, just because she is supposed to be your "best friend"? Should I give her a chance?

Thank you for your help!!

 

Posts

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I'm going to sound very blunt here, but please don't think that I am trying to be horrible, as I'm not.

    It sounds to me that you are used to having her full attention and now that is not the case and is putting you out of joint. She has met someone that she is seemingly very happy with, and (I'm assuming you don't have children yourself by our comments) his children are obviously a big part of her life now too. Children take up a lot of time (cliche I know, but unless you have children, you genuinely do not understand how much time they do require) and so to say that she used them as an excuse is possibly a little harsh.

    In regards to her bringing her boyfriend with her - it may be that they had an opportunity to come to England together and took it, and why not?! I'm sure if you ask her to spend at least some of that time just the two of you, then they would both oblige?

    I'm sorry, but it actually sounds as though you're a little jealous of the fact that someone else has her attention aswell.

  • Mrs B2B 2Mrs B2B 2 Posts: 7

    I think it depends on what you want from your bridesmaid. If you want to share it with your oldest bestest friend then keep her andmaybe ask for some time alone the two of you for girlie stuff. If you want someone to support Your planning and be with you every step of the way to hand hold then find someone else as her priorities have currently changed. 

    You will get back into the same place once you are a "smug married' too, especially if you have kids at some stage. 

    This happened in reverse to me. I was married withkids and my best friend (who had been my bridesmaid) picked her 'new' trendy single friend to be her bridesmaid. Now my friend has kids of her own we are closer than ever and her "trendy" friend is irritating her! The circle of life is a strange thing!!

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I think both of the above posts make good points.  I think ultimately though if you don't think she can offer what you want from a bridesmaid then you need to talk to her about it - tell her what you expect from her and ask if she's able to do that, and if not then you'll need to discuss whether she's able to continue to be a bridesmaid.

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Partners can change people, not always for the better. She might be bringing him along to meet other friends too. Could you email her back that you are excited to spend some time together and that you have booked x, y and z so you can have some girly time together.

    I think you need to give her a chance and meet her one-to-one before risking a long term close friendship. You never no, a day or two of her old lifestyle might make her realise something image 

  • MrsBailey2beMrsBailey2be Posts: 302

    I agree with 'image' I think you should reply saying that's fine and then just talk about the things you have planned for the 2 of you to do. It could be a nice opportunity to meet her other half too before the wedding? So you could plan a day out for the 2 of you and then maybe a meal or something for the 2 couples? That way you still get time alone with her but also get to meet him & he gets to meet you & your H2B. If she makes excuses not to do things just the 2 of you or for some reason doesn't see you then you'll have to send an email explaining what you wanted/expected from her as bridesmaid & that you don't feel she is making the effort she should.

  • MarionBMarionB Posts: 3

    thank you for your answers , it really helps me ! Some time has passed since my review and I have some updates ! I decided to make an effort and answered (a week ago) saying that I was fine with her boyfriend coming over etc. I added that I was a little disappointed because it was important for me to have these moments just "between us" to prepare the wedding (and Im not asking for much... dress shopping mainly...as everything else is pretty much booked already!). I would have been ok with any answers. "Sorry , i can perhaps come for another week-end" or even "sorry, perhaps we can do that in france next time you come" . whatever would have been ok really.... except that she didnt answer AT ALL !!!!! she hates conflicts (even more since she is with him, it seems like she doesnt care at all!) and prefers to avoid them... so she chose not to answer... where is the friend i used to know??!?

    I am just ready to send her another email to tell her not to bother at all.... image

     

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