Scared!

Hi ladies

Just after some advice and to know that I'm being normal in feeling this...


My H2Bs parents split when he was a toddler and it's still awkward between them all (understandably) and to try to overcome it slightly we're having a family get-together to clear the air, break the ice etc. next week.

Then last week my H2B got a text from his mum saying she had a message from his dad and it's upset her because she thinks he is being unreasonable. And as soon as I saw that I started having a bit of a panic!

SO many marriages fail and that's all I can think about since I saw that message. I'm terrified of ending up like that... Still bitter and hurting after 22 years! I feel like I'm losing faith in marriage.

Nothing had changed between my OH and I, he makes me so happy and everyday I wake up feeling so in love. But lately we haven't had much time for each other and little things are making me panic and think "will that be my future?!". It has nothing to do with my feelings for my OH cos as I said, nothing there has changed, but I feel so guilty for having these feelings.

I'm so excited for the wedding and to be his wife, but I just keep getting these waves of panic. Please tell me I'm normal!!!!

Posts

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Completely normal!

    I worry about it too, but twisted it to thinking that actually, I'm going to make sure my marriage works so as not to end up like so many that haven't!

  • It's completely normal. My parents are still together, but even then my mum was talking about her circle of friends and they are ALL on their second marriages (at least), and some of them had terrible break ups. I've never worried about marriage at all and even I was incredibly shaken by it.

    So I think it's sensible to go into a marriage thinking "there are no guarantees with this" but having confidence that it is still the right choice for you, and you are confident that it will work. I asked a few of my friends who are divorced if they had any doubts beforehand, and they all said yes without exception - some of them got carried away in planning, some had family pressure, some felt like it would "fix" the relationship. I think as long as you aren't having concerns like this (which you really would need to listen to), then you are okay.

    Assuming that we are roughly the same age (I'm 30), don't forget that many people in our parent's generation for married very young (my mum was 19 when she got married!), and it was less common to live together for much time beforehand. I think people go into marriage with more information than they used to, which is obviously very helpful.

    Try not to doubt yourself - you and your OH have a different relationship to his parents. You are both completely different people. Have you spoken to him about it? It might be helpful to share how you are both feeling in relation to seeing his parents behave.

  • KelsalarKelsalar Posts: 14

    I haven't told him yet because I don't want to upset him. I'm hoping that this feeling will pass soon because I know it will hurt him if I knew I felt like is,

    I think perhaps we need to spend a bit more time together and remind ourselves why we're doing this. I would more than happily go and marry him tomorrow if I could. So I'm wondering if the pressure if planning the "BIG day" is having an effect as well. I'm so excited for it but boy is it terrifying. The thought of his happy face standing at the end of the aisle is the best feeling in the world but at the moment the next 18 months feels like a huge barrier in the way.

    Hopefully I will feel different after the party! Well, sooner preferably!

    Nice to know I'm normal though! How did you both get past it?

  • Snowy78Snowy78 Posts: 453

    Absolutely this is normal, I feel like this sometimes now and we are not even married. We have been together over 10 years and had the odd time where we have drifted apart a bit or communication has fallen down. I believe the key to us staying together is that one of us recognises that this is happening and then we make the time for each other again - such as go on a date or spend the day together.

    Spending quality time makes us remember why we are together - having fun together and laughing. Also, without taking it to the gutter but sex builds intimacy and makes you stronger as a couple (well I think so anyway!),

    Bluelondonparis is right it is sensible to go into marriage knowing it doesn't bring any guarantees - but then neither does any relationship - Married or not.... when I feel like this it does help me to think that whether this works or not I will be fine (yes incredibly heartbroken) but practically ok. I earn enough money for me and my child, I have good friends and family and hobbies of my own. This means a lot to me to have this.

    I certainly feel like I know what I am buying into...... image

  • Snowy is right... me and Mr Barbados have been together 16 years, longer than my parents were married. Yes there have been times when I could kill him, communication has broken part, we've drifted apart or even talked of splitting but deep down, we know that's not what we want and we work together to sort it out. Both are parents are divorced (mine 25 years and still hate eachother, his 10 years and still have issues) but the reason these relationships failed is because they couldn't compromise and communicate not because they were 'married'.

    Being married has been fantastic for our relationship as when times are tough, we remind each other that we promised to love each other no matter what.

    Someone told me on my hen night that the key to a successful marriage was the'C' word .... 'Cuninlungus?' I asked (slightly worse for wear..)

    'No, it's compromise... ' BEST advice anyone has given me and definitely true in my parents marriage (and in-laws actually)

    Although I think its compromise ...followed by communication and cuddles I may add!

    Have a great wedding xx

     

  • Perhaps you could approach it with your H2B without directly saying that you are having even a slither of doubt (from the sounds of it, it's really only the effect of his parents that has you worried).

    Maybe next time you guys have one of his parents acting up, you can ask him afterwards "How did they end up like that? And please god how can we AVOID ending up like that?"

    Weddings are crazy stressful, even if you are pretty relaxed about it, and aren't particularly obsessed with the details - they are just always stressful! In a way it's a good practise run for some of the things that couples need to deal with in marriage togetherimage

    Bear in mind as well that since these are his parents, you probably aren't the only one who has drawn a link between "urgh they have an awful relationship" and "jesus, I'm getting married as well, what if that's us in 20 years time?". He might appreciate the chance to talk about it, even if it's couched in terms of "THEIR marriage" as opposed to "worries about our marriage".

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I simply tell/remind A that that he ever left me, I'd stalk him, and make his life a living hell.

     image  haha

  • Lol LeaMarie!

    I don't know if this would help, but my H2B bought a book about preparing for marriage, and it has different chapters on things like commitment, communication etc. It asks questions about things in your childhood, and your opinions on various aspects. I have found it really helpful as it has made me know for sure that we both want the same things from our relationship and our marriage image it is a great way to talk about things together. It is called Growing together: the course: a complete marriage preparation programme.

  • SarahL1408SarahL1408 Posts: 154

    Completely normal.  I occasionally have waves of panic like this.  Try and remember that many marriages are completely happy and last a lifetime.  My parents are celebrating their 25th anniversary this month and my grandparents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary a couple of years ago. 

    I think we hear more about the marriages that breakdown rather than the ones which last.  I work at a firm of solicitors that specialise in divorce which probably doesn't help.

    Stay positive and have a fantastic wedding.

    x

  • KelsalarKelsalar Posts: 14

    Hey ladies

    Just for an update, we spent a few lovely evening together this week – not done anything special, just hanging out, having a laugh and being silly like we do. Already feeling SO much better and more confident image

    Still having little waves of panic and jitters here and there, but overall feeling so much happier. 

     

    WOO image 

     

Sign In or Register to comment.