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More family drama... the joys of it all.

Basically, months ago we had some issues with my future FIL, with him saying he wasn't happy with our humanist marrying us, and so we changed it to keep him happy. 

Fast forward, and apparently he is now not sleeping, not eating and is currently saying that he is not coming to the wedding as he is so upset about a whole host of other things (everything has been relayed to OH's sister and not to OH or myself). 

1. he feels left out of the wedding. FIL stays 5 mins away, does not visit us. he does not ask us about the wedding and he is complaining that he does not know what is happening. I have made a habit of not talking about the wedding when I have not been asked about it first out of fear of boring everyone in sight. As FIL hasn't asked about it, I haven't discussed it in any detail with him. OH isn't in the habit of talking about the wedding much at all, but I suspect he is of the same opinion of me that he will be happy to talk about it if asked. 

2. he again is not happy it is a humanist ceremony. We changed the humanist to please him, and now he doesn't want a humanist ceremony at all. FIL and OH are catholic (non-practising but both brought up) and I am not, I have suspected for a while that FIL has wanted OH to have a catholic service. 

3. I have his step-granddaughter as a flower girl and because he is not involved with the wedding, he doesn't know whats happening but apparently that makes no difference anyway as his side of the family won't be coming. After a conversation months ago, I compromised with FIL to have one of his step-granddaughters as one of my flowergirls. Baring in mind, I have never met this child, I was willing to do this to keep him happy. I felt that was a big compromise on my side, although I doubt he would see it as that. 

FIL has a good relationship with my fiance, and it makes no sense for him to jump and say that he is not coming to the wedding at all just for feeling these things. Especially not having discussed them first with us. For someone so bothered by this (according to his sister) I couldn't imagine him making such a decision without even first talking to his only son about it! 

This has really shook our relationship with him because myself and my family think he is being completely ridiculous. OH doesn't know what to do, he wants to keep the peace as much as possible- but theres going to be a time that we need to address the issues (as yet we haven't spoken to FIL). 

We have put off going to see him to talk to him about it all, because we can't see a resolution. As you can tell, i am of the opinion that he is being stupid and childish, which is never going to go down well with his very stubborn and outspoken nature. We are trying to work out what to do. How can OH's relationship with his dad still be strong and close when he won't be at the most important day of his life? I am stubborn too, and I know already that I want nothing to do with him, which is much easier for me to say. But I dont want my fiance to have his father/son relationship suffer. 

I am so sorry this is so long. I know family drama is so common on here, but it's really not something we are used to and we are really stuck what to do. We want to get it sorted, but I can't see that happening...

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  • KH2BKH2B Posts: 1,216

    Oh dear that sounds like a lot of drama that you could really do without. I do agree with you it does sound like he's thrown his dummy out of the pram and is having a bit of a hissy fit so I don't blame you for not approaching him.

    If it was me I think I would send H2B round to have a word with him, it will keep the peace and they should be able to sort it out between them. I think if you both went round FIL might not open up and talk about all the issues or some things may get said in the heat of the moment.

    Your best bet is to send H2B after all it's his dad so they should be able to agree and move past, it gives you a good excuse to not get into an argument with him as like you said you have been more than accommodating to him so you shouldnt have to go at his beckoned call.

  • I wish it were as easy as them being able to sort it out between them. OH did go round and see him after we got all the information from his sister. OH is not able to stand up to his dad, and although I don't know the ins and outs of their conversation, FIL still feels the same and I think it is because OH did not say what he really thinks (it's been hard for him to tell me what he really thinks as it has upset him a lot, but i really want him to know his own thoughts before we do go see his dad and it's just all my thoughts that we talk about). 

    I've really came to the conclusion that it won't be sorted out. OH had said that he can keep working on his dad- telling him more about the wedding ect over the next few months (We get married November). But I am really not wishing him to do this, as we will not have an answer until last minute that way and there will be certain arrangements needed to be made if he is not going to come. Namely not having a third flowergirl, rearranging top table, missing out all his side of the family from the table plan. 

    I just dont know what long term effect this is going to have on our relationship with him. I can say really easily now that I want nothing to do with him and i'd be happy to keep my distance from him in the future. But this is a man who completely dotes on his step-grandchildren, and our dog. In the near future, we want to try for children and if I can't stand to be around him then it's certainly going to effect how he feels about his involvement in any grandchildren's life. And it's going to be his own doing. But there isnt any going back now. We now know what he has been saying, and as he is so stubborn he isn't going to change his views and I can't even imagine receiving an apology for all this unnecessary stress. So i really don't suspect I am going to be forgiving him... 

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  • JCL1JCL1 Posts: 129

    Perhaps sulking and moaning has worked on your H2B in the past but your FIL has to understand that this isn't just about his son, there's another independent adult involved (i.e. you!). I would be polite but firm with him and make it clear that while you've accommodated his wishes on areas you've been able to there are some fundamental points which you will not change. This may sounds a bit extreme but I think behaviours during the wedding planning can set the dynamic of relationships going forward, is he going to kick up a fuss if you don't want your children christened or going to a Catholic school? He needs to know there are boundaries. x

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    I would tend to agree with sayitwithvodka - call his bluff - say you are sorry that he feels like that but it is the way things are - and in the event that he cuts off his nose to spite his face and doesn't come - then he will be the one that has missed out. Silly old man xx

  • JSCJSC Posts: 60

    I am having problems with my own father at the moment telling me the way I should and should have done things and how I did it all wrong... I totally understand where you are coming from.  Families tend to think they have the right to stick their noses in and make demands - it's very frustrating... it's supposed to be about the bridge and groom at the end of the day but seldom is.  This is my 2nd wedding and I've had more fallout then the first as I wanted a simple low key one... anyway wishing you all the best! x

  • Thanks everyone for all their advice. It is really helpful to know that people are backing me up and not thinking that I am the one in the 'wrong'. Being a bride to be sort of blurrs my vision a bit. 

    As a quick update, which isn't so much an update as nothing has happened yet- OH is planning to see his dad on fathers day. I'm leaving it up to him. I've made my feelings very clear to OH and he's stayed pretty quiet. I know hes a bit shook by it all as he has usually had a good relationship with his dad. So whatever OH wants to say, then it's going to be up to him. 

    But families eh.. wish we had just bloody eloped. (I'm sure that would have caused plenty arguments too though) 

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  • I do hope so. I worry more about what's going to come after the big day... 

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  • Yep after all this i'll still have the love of my life becoming my husband. Lots of people cope with not getting along with the in-laws, so I can just be one of those people! image 

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