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Postpone to rebuild trust with H2B?

Bit of a long story but basically last week things came to a head with H2B and we had a big fight. It was all extremely upsetting and frightening for me as I was afraid he was getting very close to being violent. We've done loads of talking since and it's been a real eye opener for us both as we've realised some pretty unacceptable behaviour has been going on for too long and we've not been addressing his aggression. The outcome is he is extremely remorseful, has enrolled for some professional help and is going to do some talking therapies. He is extremely motivated about doing these and I am certain it is not just to pacify me. The question is - should we postpone the wedding while he does this therapy, just to be sure it's really worked? I would be reluctant to but also don't want to marry into a disasterous situation if the therapy doesn't work.

Lots of big questions about whether motivation alone is enough for someone to change... I am really conflicted about it and keep veering between the two choices. He says he recognises trust needs to be rebuilt and if postponing would help he would do that but I know he's as reluctant as I am, it just feels so sad.

I was really enjoying all the planning, getting so excited about it all, counting down the days and making loads of things, now it just feels soured and I don't know if this will change over time or is a real sign my heart is not in it. Last night I dreamt I had a wobbly tooth which I think is a sign of anxiety over making a big decision. I know no one else can tell me the correct answer but am just desperate, it's all I can think about.

Posts

  • Sapphire18Sapphire18 Posts: 72

    I should add the wedding is a small affair, 11 guests, and is 12 weeks away!

  • LovenstuffLovenstuff Posts: 40

    Hi Sapphire.

    I feel for you so much! Sometimes, we get so caught up into planning this amazing day, we forget to check if its the right thing at the right time. I have to give you your due about thinking about post poning. Too many people get married as they feel they cant opt out if you like. This says to me you are head strong and will be able to the right decision for you.

    I hope you manage to make a decision, whatever that may be....

    Lots of love

    katie

  • Alex5Alex5 Posts: 290

    I think that you love him. I think you and he both recognize his faults but you still love him. And you are a team, you work together to overcome any problems. A solid team. i think marriage would only make that team bond stronger? i think it would only make him want to work harder at himself for the sake of his 'wife', for the sake of his family, you are now his family, as his wife.

    do you think?

    unless you are genuinely afraid of him and his temper? you cant live like that xxx

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    weddings and wedding planning are very stressful events which could be causing elscalated behaviour

    its truely up to you regarding portponing - very sensible to think like that

    i think you should decide if you would still be with him/marry him if he didnt change and stayed the same - as what if therapy doesnt work?!

    on the plus although it would be terrible to postpone since its a smaller wedding it would be much easier - if you cant get deposits etc back maybe you could have a blessing instead - to show you are comited to him but wont marry till he changes?

  • dear Sapphire

     

    difficult to advise you on a forum.  no one can tell you whether or not to cancel a wedding however you must ask yourself if you are committed to this man or the idea of a lovely day.

    in your life there will be things far more stressful than a wedding. how will he cope with children redundancy death in family money worries etc. your h2b if he's serious must fully commit to therapy because 9 times out of ten there is an underlying issue that he needs to address . what it is neither you or him will know until he has been totally honest with his feelings.  not always easy for a young man. but you cannot change him. only he can do that 

    x

     

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Have you considered therapy too, you need to talk to someone who can help you figure out what is best for you.

    It is really hard to advise you, I think postponing maybe the best option, to give you both a chance to get to a better place.

    Me and my hubby had been together together over a decade when we got married so been through a lot together, for me any hint of violence towards me would be a deal breaker, but that's me.

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