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Am I overreacting??

Hi there ill tell you whats happened then ill await your responses. We got married last October and had 3 bridesmaids. Well one of them is now engaged and planning her wedding.(We have been friends for about 20 years) She has quite a few female family members so im not a bridesmaid and im fine with that. She has asked if I can help with the organisation eg helping make invites etc and again im more than happy to help. We were having a discussion last night (the first time i had seen her since they set the date) and mentioned that they were getting married on my step sons birthday. Without taking a second she turned to me and said 'its ok I dont have space on the day list so your husband can only come to the evening' I just brushed it off and ignored it as i thought she was joking but it appears that she isnt. She has told me again that he is only invited in the evening. Im pretty mad about this as we had her, her boyfriend and her parents at our wedding. So am I overreacting? Would you invite a friend to the day but her husband to the eveing even tho you were their bridesmaid less than a year ago?

Posts

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    I guess the long and short of it is that she can invite whoever she wants!

    Obviously, there is courtesy etc, but having planned your own wedding, I'm sure you know that numbers can be tight and you can't always invite everyone.

    My best friend's family have always included me in their family events, so I have been to all their weddings, parties etc; I can't afford (nor have the space) to include any of her family!

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    All that said though, I too would feel pretty bummed out! x

  • OutlawOwlOutlawOwl Posts: 649
    I dont mind the family not being invited but Im mad that shes not inviting him to the day. I wouldnt have minded if she didnt know him but she was our bridesmaid.
  • natsxonatsxo Posts: 268

    my brother has this rule if he's not invited none of them go, why would you want to go to a wedding Nd not be with your partner, x

  • amyh81amyh81 Posts: 109

    I don't think you are over reacting at all! I would be kind of annoyed too. I think its different if its a boyfriend and the person doesn't know him that well but as your husband you should definitly be invited together.

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Guess it depends on whether she has strong number restrictions, if she does and has made the decision to draw the line there then you have to respect it. She probably couldn't have your husband but not the husband of another friend for whom she wasn't BM if that makes sense. If you are going to draw a line then you need to be consistent with it xx

  • Bonzo1984Bonzo1984 Posts: 74

    Well, yes she can invite who she wants, but its pretty cheeky not inviting your husband and then asking you for help with her wedding. I'd be pretty annoyed too.

    I think she couldn't told you in a better way too, if she really is stuck with the venue limiting numbers or something maybe saying "I'm really sorry I don't think I will be able to put your husband on the day invite list, the venue is very tight on numbers but he is very welcome to the evening I hope you understand" would've been a lot nicer.

     

  • jemmykins09jemmykins09 Posts: 618

    i think she could have been more tactful in the way which she told you but at the end of the day maybe there's other people she wants there more i'm afraid. i do get where you're coming from but i'm not inviting one friends whose wedding i was invited to (it was registry office and tiny group!), and i'm also not inviting a friend of 18 years' partner to my do because i simply don't have the room or budget for it. 

    it sucks but unfortunately sometimes these things happen image 

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    The general stance on invites is that it's their wedding, they can invite who they want.
    However, given your circumstances, that he's not 'just' a bf, he's your husband and you're all close enough for her to have been a bridesmaid at yours, then I think it's quite unacceptable.
    Even without her being a bridesmaid at yours, as he's your husband I think it's rude not to invite him anyway. Even if numbers are tight, I'd be upset if I were you.

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I know people who have done this, but I personally never would.  If my friend (both each other's maids of honour!) hadn't invited my fiance to her wedding, suffice to say the proverbial poo would have hit the fan.

  • allison 2allison 2 Posts: 150

    If this proves to be the case when invites are sent I would send  a regret for the day and acceptance for the evening for both of you x

     

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505

    Sorry but i do think ur overeacting - my friends husband is not invited to my wedding but that's because she is my friend and my h2b doesnt even know him and my h2b wasnt invited to her wedding. Is your h2b friends with her h2b??

  • I think it's a bit unfair. I understand the no children thing, but to not invite your husband when you're so close! We have a stance that if we know a partner they are invited, but if we haven't met the partner or they haven't been together long they're not invited, unless they are a close family or friend. 

    I must say this situation kind of happened to me too! I was maid of honour at a 'friend's' wedding, I was also the only bridesmaid! I asked at the start of the planning process if my boyfriend was invited (we'd been together 4 years!) and she said yes of course he would be.  Then about a month before the wedding she text me to say my boyfriend was now only invited to the night time as she didn't know where she would sit him for the meal as Id be on the top table and he'd be on his own and she didn't want people who didnt know him to have to have him on the table. she had told me that he would be my transport to the church and reception, but then I was left with no way of getting around. I felt so awkward, I hated the whole experience. It was only after the wedding that i realised she had only asked me as she had no other female frienda - I wish I'd said no when she asked me! 

    I really don't think you're overreacting!

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    Oh Katykatykins that's so rude!  Mind you I was talking to my friend the other day who's having a wedding next week and she said she's just decided that her cousin's boyfriend can come since said cousin's parents can't make it, and they've been together 2.5 years so they're sort of serious she supposes - I pointed out that's the same length of time she's been with her husband!

  • nenjennenjen Posts: 1,524

    I wouldn't go to a wedding my husband wasn't invited to. I understand that couples should be able to invite who they like to a wedding but to not invite someone's husband is just rude. I wouldn't enjoy myself and I would never have dreamed of doing it to any of my guests - I wanted everyone to be happy at my wedding and making someone go alone isn't exactly going to add to the happy, romantic feel that a wedding surely should have! So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially if she was such a big part of your wedding x 

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    01 reasons why a bride to be ends up in this kind of position, I think the worse thing is how she handled telling you. 

    You have been friends for a long time, is she maybe under pressure from family to invite x,y & z and is hoping her close friend who wasn't married that long ago will understand.

    I would also consider how close my husband is to them, if numbers or budget were limited I wouldn't expect my bridesmaids to give my husband a day invite, even though we were fortunate enough to have the capacity and budget to invite theirs.

    I also might back off helping a bit, just so you don't get taken for granted.

     

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    Have to agree with the general opinion on here, you've known this woman for 20years and I assume she has socialised with both you and your husband- with whom you have children- so I think he should be invited. However, if I were you I would ask why my husband wont be invited to the day, see what she says she might have a valid reason. Regardless if I were in the same situation I would be asked to be demoted to the evening guest list as I don't think I'd enjoy going to a wedding without my partner. 

  • EllieTeaEllieTea Posts: 25

    I'd be annoyed. I understand that there may be a limit on the number of guests that they can invite (do you know how many?) but the way she told you was rude. I'd agree with Herstory and back off a bit. I wouldn't be assisting her with intitations etc.

  • OutlawOwlOutlawOwl Posts: 649
    Yep we regularly go out together. The 4 of us and then other times its just me and her. Her partner was invited to my husbands stag do but he was working. Iv not mentioned helping her again and ill see what she says when she asks. She has 90 in the day.
  • KateMarried3KateMarried3 Posts: 339

    I completely agree with Allison 2: send regrets for both of you for the day events, and both go in the evening. I don't think you are over-reacting. I think that's rude. What's commonly done here (in the US), is that people will pack the guests in for the church ceremony (because that's essentially free), but then only a limited number of closer family & friends get invited to the reception afterwards: however, I have NEVER heard of splitting the invitation among an individual family. Either the whole family (or couple in the case of a no-kids event) gets invited to the reception, or the whole family/ couple does not. How would you even go about wording that on an invitation?? Regardless, there is definitely a breach of etiquette occurring here. I wouldn't worry about it too much though...those kinds of things happen a lot in planning a wedding. I doubt it's at all personal. Go & enjoy the evening with the new hubby and have a lovely time...even lovelier knowing that you AREN'T a bridesmaid so you won't have a lot of extra work and expense involved in attending!

  • I think it is very rude to be honest. Although a bridesmaid is there primarily to support the bride they are still in effect a bridesmaid for the couple. So I think on the back of performing this role for you and your husband at your wedding its entirely strange to then decide he doesnt make the cut to her wedding. Obviously there are limits to numbers at wedding, I got married 7 weeks ago so know only too well, but its extremly bad etiquette to split a married couple in the invites. Boyfriends yes its understandable they may not make it to a full day, but when you are a married couple then its pretty rude i'd say! I would definitely only attend the evening with my husband if I was put in this situation. 

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    I still think that if you are comfortable with it you should ask her why she cant invite your husband to the day if anything if she has a valid reason you will feel better about the situation.

    90 guests is a lot of people I don't even know 90 people! but in saying that I don't know her from adam and she may have a large family and many friends. I would just want to know who he was bumped for tbh.

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