Forum home Emotional support

CB doesnt want to know

My best friend of 8 years is being really awkward about appointments.

She turns up late and never wants to discuss anything about my wedding since giving birth 7 weeks ago.

She has been distant and awkward with all things wedding, and I have been told that it could be a jealousy thing now that no attention is on her.

I have 10 weeks until my wedding and she is really making the run up to the wedding seem like an uphill struggle. She was really involved before she had the baby, but now its like she doesn't care. I have given her the option to opt out but she said that she is just tired. She also said that she will need to leave half way through the day to express he milk. The baby will be 5 months then... is that really going to be necessary?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Posts

  • MrsMGtobeMrsMGtobe Posts: 612

    She gave birth seven weeks ago! She will be extremely busy with a new born - I don't think it's jealousy. I feel for you, not having your CB around, but she will be extremely busy being a mum and baby will undoubtedly and understandably come first. Is it her first child?

    In terms of expressing milk, I know some people who have expressed way past six months. If your friend had the baby 7 weeks ago, and you have ten weeks until your wedding, baby will only be four months and will most definitely be needing lots of milk where possible. Breast is best so of she can sneak away half way through the day to express milk then fair enough. It sounds like she is trying her hardest to manage both her responsibilities on the day.

    I am sure she does really care but will have other priorities at the minute. Could you go and see her about the wedding plans, when she has some time free? It might make things a bit easier on her with baby.

     

     

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505

    Sorry but i know its an exciting time for you but your friends had her baby 7 weeks ago!! Her baby is 100% her priority at the moment which is only understandable. She will have to express otherwise her boobs will be sore because  they will be full of milk and could leak.

  • JewellJewell Posts: 68

    I don't mean to be mean, but the poor girl's only just had her baby!  Naturally her focus is on that.  She will be physically tired with a new born to look after, babies aren't always predictable in behaviour (hence appointments potentially being awkward) - and have you thought that she might even be a bit depressed?  

  • jemmykins09jemmykins09 Posts: 618

    i'm sorry but get a grip! yes it sucks she's not as involved but erm she's got this tiny little human who relies on her for absolutely everything, doesnt sleep very much and needs fed at ridiculous times, your wedding was never going to be her top priority once that baby was born as it is such a massive adjustment. 

    also babies should be fully milk dependent until at least 6 months under current guidelines so yes she really does need to go express. 

    i actually think you're being very harsh in the way you're going on as she clearly still wants to be a part of your wedding and it's obviously important to her or she would've taken the easy out when you gave her the chance. just give her a break and let her settle into motherhood i'm sure someone else can help where she previously was, it's not like her having a baby is a total shock and you didnt know it was coming lol

  • Weddin crazyWeddin crazy Posts: 1,743

    What appointments etc and how much are you expecting her to do? Also you still have a couple of months, if u are really behind planning unfortunately it sounds like you will have to plan with your h2b instead. It's unfortunate timing for you and I know when it's ur wedding it is huge etc, but it is not as huge to other ppl as what it is you and as life events go, having a baby is bigger and more time consuming, tiring, busy etc than a wedding. Also if you have been friends for so long she might be feeling the same about you, do you do baby related things with her? And maybe offer a hand if she is gettin tired etc Rather than just concentrating on wedding

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    New born v wedding, sorry the new born should take priority. Your friend has just started the biggest 'job' of her life that means you get no time off and are operating on little to no sleep.

    You need to make minimal demands on her time and work with what suits her. If the appointments not for anything she is wearing then she doesn't need to be there, a good hair or make up artist will be able to do hers with no trial, and they will understand why she couldn't make the trial.

    If your dress is a lace up back ensure other friends and family know how to do it, it's a 2 persons job anyway. Anything else you need on the day like help going to the loo line up others to help you, anyone whose been married will understand you might need help and they will get your chief bridesmaid has other priorities, although I bet she would rather be helping you go to the loo then changing nappies!

    Your post makes it seem like your jealous of her baby taking her focus off you image

    Be grateful she is turning up at all, I don't have children but know it's a mission to go anywhere when you have children especially very young ones.

    Be a good friend, go around to hers and offer to do some cooking and cleaning, it would be a good way to spend time with her and the new little person who undoubtedly will be a big part of your life if your going to be part of your friends life.

  • WOW! OK. Yes I planned a surprise baby shower for her so I was very involved before the birth. Getting things ready. Spending time with her. Making sure she was all ready for the birth. I understand that she has just had a baby and that is her priority. I totally get that. I am there to support her in that also. However, baby appointments don't usually happen on a Saturday and does she really have to be so miserable about getting dress fittings and other things like that. Can she not at least try and be happy?

    With regards to expressing milk, can this not be done before the wedding so then he doesn't have to disappear?

    Is it really that hard to make an hour or two in a day to choose shoes and readings, etc?

    I don't think I'm expecting too much of her at all regarding the wedding compared to other maid of honour duties from other brides.

    Well, we will see how it goes....

  • Weddin crazyWeddin crazy Posts: 1,743

    I didn't have a maid of honour as such, I had my sis as bridesmaid who helped me out but I had a lot of other family related things goin on so had to do a lot of things quickly and online etc. other than dress fittings, what do u need her for? And I havnt had a baby but I cant imagine u feel the prettiest n most energetic to be tryin on dresses etc 

    I understand it might be a bit disheartening if ur excited n want to talk about weddin stuff but I really don't see why u can't just talk to others bwt it n don't knw wt ur expecting her to do, it should be u n ur hubby planning other than dresses and hen do. U got children yourself?

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    Wow, I'd maybe read your posts back to yourself and think about why you've asked her to be your bridesmaid. Is it so she can match like for like everything you did for her before she had her baby (which needs 24/7 care) or is because you treasure her as a friend and you want her to be part of your day no matter how small?

    I've chosen my bridesmaids because I love them and want them to be part of the biggest day of my life. I've not asked them to do anything for me and don't expect them to be as excited about it as me?!

    Also, I'm guessing she's probably not feeling at her most confident at the moment, she's probably not got her usual figure, no time to sort herself out makeup/hair wise and more than likely really tired. Give her some slack and remember why you asked her in the first place!!

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I know it's disappointing when someone important can't seem to make time or show any interest in your wedding, for whatever reason.  But as others have said, she's probably so much busier than even she thought she'd be, and she'll be completely exhausted.  Since the baby is so little as well, she'll still be adjusting to her new lifestyle, and it'll be very difficult for them to establish any sort of routine at the moment while the baby's not sleeping through.

    Perhaps closer to the wedding they'll have got into a bit more of a routine and she'll have found a way to balance caring for her baby with all the other things she wants to do, but in the mean time I'd agree with the general advice here - if she doesn't absolutely have to be there for something, then try not to put pressure on her to be there. I chose the shoes and readings without my bridesmaids image  And if you can make time to pop round and see her, or even look after the baby for an hour so she can have a nice long bath or something, I'm sure that would be appreciated image

    I don't understand the being upset about her going to express milk during the wedding though - would you be upset if she said she had to pop out to feed the baby?  I assume not lol.  And loads of people disappear for half an hour or so at weddings to freshen up or what not.  I highly doubt she's planning on disappearing during the ceremony or the meal, it'll probably be after all the formal stuff before the evening kicks off, so you probably won't even notice image

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505

    Bride1603 - have a re read over your last post and look at what u have just said i am sorry but you are being bang out of order! Have u ever thought that if she is on her own during the week that she might want spend time with her husband / partner whilst he is at home with the baby or even sleep whilst she has someone else looking after the baby??

     

    With regards to expressing - do u have any idea how long this takes to do??? A tiny amount (not even a bottle full can take hours) you also have to make sure that your leaving enough for the baby to feed off so no its not as easy as your making out it to be! 

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Bridetob1603

    Have you thought you friend has had a major change happen to her body, I doubt most women just weeks or months after giving birth would be happy about dress fittings. She maybe feeling very sore and tender and not want the state of her body in the spot light!

    Have you even considered she has a lot to adjust to and it is possible she is slightly depressed, heck I find it hard to be happy and cheerful when sleep deprived and that is without having someone else reliant on me 24/7. If I have children I had better warn my friends I am likely to 'disappear' for the first few months!

    As for expressing milk as long as she is there for the ceremony and the pictures, then that should be enough. I am sure she will try and do it when there is a lull. I would not expect any nursing mother to be in server discomfort just to be there if me a full grown woman may need them.

    To be honest if either of my bridesmaids were due to give birth that close to may wedding I would be over the moon if they actually just attended the ceremony and the pictures, I would not be annoyed if they then said they wanted to go home to their baby! 

    I also have to give you a reality check if your having anything other than a small wedding you will barely see most people, the weirdest thing is it's normally the groom the bride see's least of because you both will be mingling with guests and will get dragged apart by different people/groups wanting to talk to you.

    Bar getting ready in the morning and on the dance floor in the evening I had very little time with my bridesmaids, I knew they were around but I did not expect them to be glued to my side over everything else.

    It is hard to take time out with a new born, if your friend has a spare 1 or 2 hours I am sure her bodys screaming at her to go to sleep in that time. 

    Shoes if they are yours you can pick them yourself, I got mine off girls of  elegence the only input I had off anyone was my mum who said they should be ivory, I was looking at coloured ones, I went with ivory.

    If it's bridesmaids shoes, ask if she wants flats or low heels and buy her something suitable to try if they don't fit or are uncomfy then return them, repeat the process until she is happy.

    Readings, you pick them with your h2b, I don't understand why you would need your bridesmaids input.

    You are expecting way too much, she has a new born child who demands 24/7 care. Even pre-wedding if a friend had just given birth I would be trying to help them as much as I could not being annoyed they are not attending to my needs. I would probably offer my services as babysister, not so she can go out but so she can have a bath in peace and maybe pamper herself a bit, and if her partners around so they can have some downtime too. 

    I honestly expected very little from my bridesmaids (I didn't have a maid of honour), I had minimum expectations like us all going to pick the dresses they would wear and as they were custom made them attending fittings, but I was happy to work around their schedules, none of us have children yet but we all had other more important things happening that made scheduling things 'fun'. They would have helped more if I had asked but I didn't because I am a grown adult capable of making decisions about my wedding by myself or with my h2b!

    Just search bridesmaids on this forum, your CB has done a hell of a lot more than most do be grateful about what she has already done.

    Okay you were a good friend before the baby was born, but that is the easy bit!

    Stop being a bridezilla help your friend in anyway you can. 

    If a real life friend of mine said the stuff you have said to me I would say tell them to grow up! but if they do need wedding help to ask me before they ask their CB, I would also have to resist contacting the CB to tell them to ignore their selfish bridezilla friend!

    Take the wedding blinkers off, there are many things more important in this life. I had a friend and their wife not turn up to my wedding because their baby was not well, I

  • MonkeygirlMonkeygirl Posts: 658

    I haven't read all the replies, but until you've had engorged boobs from needing to feed/express you will never understand! Unless of course you'd like nice big milk patches on her dress from leaking.

    i have a 13 week old and am a bridesmaid in August when he will be 5 months. No, I haven't be able to give her as much time and also missed her hen. She has completely understood everything and is just happy I can be part of her day.

    As for being late for things, it is hard work to get out of the house especially if breast feeding.

    x

     

  • MonkeygirlMonkeygirl Posts: 658

    And dress fittings... She probably feels like poo at the moment!

    i just re read your comment about expressing beforehand. Yes, she probably will do that. But will need to do it every 3 or 4 hours to stop engorgement and keep her supply up. The best thing you can do is make her feel like a human being and make sure there is somewhere decent for her to do it.x

  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835

    I think you need to realise that the world does not revolve around your wedding! She had a baby 7 weeks ago and is probably exhausted! When my little girl was 7 weeks I could barely string a sentence together let alone show interest in what someone else was doing.

    with the turning up late- it is hard work getting a baby ready let alone yourself too. 

    Im not breast feeding but I would imagine that being away from her baby all day would be extremely uncomfortable and probably painful if she didnt express.

    i think in all honestly you need to grow up a bit, I'm sure she is interested and excited about your wedding but a baby is an all consuming thing and you need to cut her some slack.

  • Fiona 8Fiona 8 Posts: 10

    This is either a wind up or you are going to feel very embarrassed if you ever have a baby yourself.

    Of course she is tired. At 7 weeks just getting yourself and baby dressed and out of the house in one piece is a mission! She may be getting only 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep a night. She is feeding on demand (tiring and time consuming). Her hormones are all over the place, and so is her body. She may still be bleeding from the birth, or have some complications/healing issues/terrible piles/fistula/painful from stitches. She's still establishing the breast feeding and her boobs probably are sore. The last thing she feels like doing is going for a dress fitting, sorry.

    Expressing during the day - you are lucky she can even do this. Some breast fed babies won't drink from a bottle. Some women can't express milk. Some need to be directly breast fed for every feeding. At 5 months this is still a very young baby and milk will be 100% of it's food. Even if she saves up milk in advance, her breasts continue to produce it all day. If she doesn't express any she will end up leaking milk through her clothes (very embarrassing). 

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    One word... Bridezilla!

    I'm going to assume by your ignorant rants that you don't have children. 

    Her baby is brand new, and will be extremely demanding at this stage - My son is 11 months old in a few days, I even now, I struggle to fit thing in around him! For the first 6 months of his life, I barely left the house! Aside from baby, breastfeeding/expressing is also tiring as your body is constantly working to provide for the baby. Expressing is vital throughout the day, as not only do you have to complete with engorged boobs and leaky patches, but OH MY GOD, they hurt like hell when they are full! Add to this that having the baby will most likely have completely changed her body. This would then make her feel a little nervous and more reluctant to do dress fittings etc. Her hormones will be raging and hard to control and she may be feeling a little down with baby blues too.

    I appreciate that you are getting married in a few months and you feel that you need her support, but have you thought that maybe she needs yours too now?!

    I'm sorry, but you are being the selfish one here, not her.

  • I think this thread must be a wind up, I cant truly comprehend that someone would be so self absorbed and lacking compassion towards a friend who has just had a baby ...someone that they supposedly cared enough about  to have them play an active part of their wedding.

  • FutureMrsKFutureMrsK Posts: 234

    This must be a troll thread. If it isn't this bride needs to get her head out of her ass and think about other people. 
    This is the most self absorbed thread I have ever seen on any wedding forum. 

Sign In or Register to comment.