Forum home Emotional support

Post-marriage finances?

This was going to be a long question, but I think I'll just put it like this - 

Once you're married, are you splitting your income evenly? Those who earn considerably less or more than their partner, do you pool your resources, pay for bills out of that,and then split your remaining 'fun money' evenly, and are you happy with the arrangement?

Looking forward to learning!

«1

Posts

  • MissP4nowMissP4now Posts: 166

    That's exactly our plan. We don't have a joint account at the moment but we are going to do exactly as you described. I earn a lot more than my h2b (more than double) but I have no issues with us having the same money to do with as we please. I just happened to choose a career that pays pretty well and he didn't so there's no hard feelings

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    That's great to know MissP4now - that's our original plan but OH's new job (starting two weeks after wedding) involves a pay rise (er, preceded by a month of unemployment and then a move to Wales two days after the wedding, fun!) - we both work full time but she's a scientist and I work in publishing so I earn a lot less. So just wondered how others manage it. Look forward to hearing from more people! image

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    We have a joint account now and if it were up to me we would pool everything, however the h2b who earns less prefers to know that he contributes equally. Not that it bothers me so we pool our resources for the joint bills and everything else we spend independently and probably will continue too, however if I had my way we would chuck it into one pot and spend from there. 

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    That's sounds like what we do at the moment Victoriao- we contribute an equal percentage of our income to the bills and food shop, and then pay the exact same amount in £s to wedding savings. What's left in each partner's bank account is for fun. With this arrangement, particularly with the wedding to pay for and the amount I spend on skincare for my eczema each month, I often end up incredibly skint, weighing up whether I can afford a book I really fancy and still be able to take a bottle of wine to a friend's house that week. I'm looking forward to the even split but don't want any hard feelings. So it's interesting from your perspective. Also interesting to see women outearning their male partners in 2014 image

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I think all money should be pooled and then you should both get an equal amount of money 'for yourselves'.  I don't think it's appropriate that in a couple one person should have more money than the other, but I know plenty of people who do work under that arrangement!

    In reality, we have a joint account that we pay a few hundred a month in to each, and most of the bills and rent come out of there.  Then we both just pay for whatever out of our own accounts...it's all 'our' money so it doesn't matter which particular account money for a certain thing comes out of.  And like we've shared the money around so we can maximise on the interest we get.

    I've tried to tell him that once we get married we have to share my student loan debt, but he's having none of it image

  • MrsMGtobeMrsMGtobe Posts: 612

    We live together now, when we first started living together, we got a joint account and were aiming the same amount. We would out x amount of pounds into the joint account for bills and savings, and then maintain the rest of our wages in our own accounts for personal expenditure. We contributed equally to the joint account.

    H2B now earns more than me, and suggested that we pay proportionately. However, we are going to be trying for a child soon, so I am still contributing an equal amount into the joint account, knowing that I can't contribute as much when I am on maternity leave.

    Whatever works best for the couple really, but we like to be equal. image

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    We completely share money, and have since the day we moved in together. We get paid, I put all my money in h2bs account, bills come out of his account, and what's left we use for shopping, going out, nails etc. Could never not share with him image

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    Amye, your post appeared while I was writing!  See, that's what I don't agree with - I don't think one partner should be skint while the other has money, makes no sense to me.  Although maybe I just feel that way because my fiance earns more than me image

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Thanks Spam88 and MrsMGtobe - two different approaches, both interesting! I certainly fall on your side Spam88 in terms of what I'd like, but then I wonder if one of us were to suddenly to be out of work, whether that would change. It's interesting!

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    Me and h2b have both been out of work over the years we've been together. Hasn't made a difference though, we still shared all the money. We see the money as "our" money, not that one person has earned more or x amount etc.

    Sometimes I've had a higher income, sometimes he has, so it just makes sense to share. Right now he earns more than me, but it doesn't make a difference to us. I still see that money as 'our' money image

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    That's a sweet way of putting it MrsTaylor2be image

    Spam88 yeah, I manage the finances in our house so that was my choice - I guess I felt indebted as I was sick and off work for six months with two months on full pay then four months on statutory sick pay a few years ago and OH had to work hard to keep a roof over our heads. (Not my fault I was ill but still!) So I feel like I wanted her to enjoy her spare money while she can haha. Mind you this did lead to problems because I only recently learned what her actual salary was - it had increased by like 4k without me realising hah!

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    I can understand why you feel that way.

    Both h2b and I have been off work ill (we both have the same chronic illness) before we lived together and were with previous partners. Both those times neither of us shared money, and struggled to live off the sick pay etc. So when we got together, we vowed never to do that. If one of us has been unemployed or sick, we just still pull together so that it's our problem, not one to face alone. I'd hate for h2b to be struggling for money and me to be quite lavish with mine. I'd be worried of it causing resentment, and I'd just hate for him to feel how we both used to when we struggled for money before we were together.

    That's just how we feel. However, I can understand if someone earned a lot more than their OH, why they'd feel resentful if their partners was off spending money they earned, if that makes sense?

    So I think the financial arrangement has to be down to the individual couple and what works for them. Cos what works for one couple, may not work for another, and there could be some built up resentment regarding it. So as long as you're both happy with your new financial arrangement once you're married, that's the main thing image

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    I think part of the reason for this was h2bs last gf before me took him for a ride and drained him dry of money. Now he doesn't want to do the same to me. I would be quite happy to pay for more as I earn over double. I don't begrudge him it as he supported me through uni, but he won't have any of it. Male stubbornness I think!!

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    Awww bless him, that's really sweet!

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    Well yes, but really annoying at times. Although he is getting used to it with the wedding and when we bought a house too.

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    Maybe in time then he'll stop being such a man about it :P

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    Not sure there's also a stubborn streak of yorkshire in him too that makes it all the more difficult.

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    Yorkshire men are definitely more stubborn lol.

    I think as has been said, it is just down to the two individuals in the relationship.  I can understand the higher earner resenting the lower earner going out and spending their money if the reason they earn less is because they've chosen not to work or to work fewer hours without a reason, or they're spending silly amounts of money.  In our case, and I'm sure most, the difference in income isn't down to how hard we work, just I work in the NHS and he works in oil.  And I wouldn't expect that when I'm on maternity leave or something that I somehow wouldn't be entitled to spend any money.  It's also about respect though - I'm far less frivolous with money now that it's 'our's' because I wouldn't waste his hard-earned money.  Whereas when it was just me...spend spend spend image

  • Claire124Claire124 Posts: 91

    We share all our money and don't distinguish. I earn more but H got a large sum for a house deposit. It works for us not differentiating our money as we have the same attitude with money and are careful with it. That, combined with us being on reasonable salaries, means neither of us is going without something as a result of the other's spending. We will discuss big purchases e.g. new computer before buying it but not smaller things e.g. clothes. I would hope that if money became tighter in the future we would still be fine because neither of us are big spenders.

     

     

     

     I know other couples who have very different attitudes e.g. keeping their money separate and taking it in turns to buy groceries etc but personally I find that too much hassle to keep track of.

     

    If you are promising for better or worse that surely should include supporting your partner financially when they are sick or made redundant.

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    Well yes exactly Claire124. I know a couple who have completely separate finances - they don't discuss any purchases or combine savings. I don't really get why they like things that way if they're getting married, but apparently they want things to stay that way after the wedding too. To me it feels like they're preparing to inevitably be apart from one another and still have their money!

  • Rachel 14Rachel 14 Posts: 232

    me an my H2B combine a certain amount of money in our joint account and savings to pay rent, bills, holidays etc, an then whatever is left is ours to spend how we like. This has always worked for us as we are comfortable with our lifestyle. I am a saver and he is a buyer..
    However I will soon be unemployed and am pregnant, so probably won't be working for a year or so, I'm quite stressed by this an loosing my financial independance being reliant on him for pocket money for nights out an shopping etc. He however is quite happy with this arrangement.
    I'm not sure how this massive change in the dynamic of our relationship will change things....

  • GMH24GMH24 Posts: 227

    We already combine all our money and have done since we started living together. We have 2 joint accounts, our salaries get paid into one and I leave enough in there to cover all bills, then I transfer the leftover money to our other joint account and that's our money to spend. i also pay a set amount into savings each month, and then any money leftover at the end of the month goes into savings 

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    I agree Amye - if you're watching your finances and keeping score of who's paid what etc and 'protecting' your money, it kind of comes across like you're in it for keeps. Each to their own though image

  • MrsMGtobeMrsMGtobe Posts: 612
    amye wrote (see)

    Well yes exactly Claire124. I know a couple who have completely separate finances - they don't discuss any purchases or combine savings. I don't really get why they like things that way if they're getting married, but apparently they want things to stay that way after the wedding too. To me it feels like they're preparing to inevitably be apart from one another and still have their money!

    I kind of have to disagree... It doesn't feel like they're preparing to be apart; it feels like they're equally contributing and whilst retaining their own financial independence.

    H2B and I both equally contribute to the house hold, then retain our own separate pots of money for however we choose.

    It means that we are able to surprise each other with little gifts or weekends away. If there is a problem that's financially dependent (IE last minute trip away, or broken down car, etc) we both support each other still. If one of us was out of work (like maternity, or sick leave) then the financial dynamics would change.

    Just because we aren't pooling everything up front; we aren't any less committed. 

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    We have finances separate for the most part (as already explained). H2b has openly admitted if it all went in one pot he would still work out his "half" and then only spend accordingly, despite me being more than happy to allow him to spend our joint money. It doesn't mean we are any less committed, it just makes him feel more comfortable and is a personal preference.

  • This is an interesting post. Lots of differing views. I guess it's whatever works for each couple.  However one way to look at it is this - when a couple divorce the contribution that each partner made to the marriage is assumed to be fifty % each.  So if one of you earned all the money brought up the kids paid for everything while the other sat on his/her arse, tough- you married them .  It's a contract, and  like any other agreement in law there are rules.   If you think something is unreasonable - say so don't let it fester  because when it gets  down to the nitty gritty - by then it's too late . I should know !

  • amyeamye Posts: 168
    MrsMGtobe wrote (see)

    I kind of have to disagree... It doesn't feel like they're preparing to be apart; it feels like they're equally contributing and whilst retaining their own financial independence.

    H2B and I both equally contribute to the house hold, then retain our own separate pots of money for however we choose.

    It means that we are able to surprise each other with little gifts or weekends away. If there is a problem that's financially dependent (IE last minute trip away, or broken down car, etc) we both support each other still. If one of us was out of work (like maternity, or sick leave) then the financial dynamics would change.

    Just because we aren't pooling everything up front; we aren't any less committed. 

    Oh I understand that, I think it's just the separate savings part that confuses me - our savings are for a shared goal of a deposit on a house. I don't know what they're saving for, to be fair, but their savings are their own and not for the other to touch - to me that seems odd. But each to their own! It's really interesting how others manage/prefer things. 

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    A and I keep our finances separate. I don't like the idea of joint accounts and we've never really discussed in detail about sharing our money.

    We have our bills we each pay, we each put an amount in to the kid's savings accounts, if we go out, we take it in turns to pay for things and any personal purchases are our own business. We tell/show each other what we've bought and trust each other to be sensible.

    I've never once thought of it as protecting my money, or preparing for an inevitable break up etc It's just the way that works for us and we're happy to keep that going as is.

  • amyeamye Posts: 168

    That makes sense, LeaMarie - I guess it says more about me than it does other people that that was how I sort of saw it. I'm not meaning to make sweeping statements, I just find it interesting. Couple in question had one of them buy a very large and expensive TV without consulting the other because it was out of his own savings. She was a bit surprised about it and not particularly happy - but their savings are separate, so she couldn't say anything. I'd be really shocked, even now before we've got any joint account going on, if my OH told me she'd splashed 1k+ on a telly without telling me. 

  • LeaMarieLeaMarie Posts: 723

    Oh absolutely! If A came home with a TV, I've poke him in the eye! haha

    Big purchases like that we would discuss with each other, as although our finances are separate, big purchases by one would likely have a knock on effect with the other.

    Plus, I think that's just courtesy!

Sign In or Register to comment.