Parents being a nightmare

My fiancée and I are planning a small wedding of 50 of our closest friends and family. Since getting engaged my parents have increased our numbers upto 65! I didn't mind, as my father offered to pay for those extra guests. 

recently, we have been putting together our seating plans. As my parents added these extra guests, it means our tablea are uneven. In order to keep friends and family groups together, we have placed out MOH and BM on a front tablr with their partners and mutural friends, and put two of my uncles towards the back ( so as to keep them say with their wivest and four children). My mum has kicked off! Stating I should seperate my uncle from his family, move our best friends to the back, so she is close to her brother.

 

how so I deal with this? She has threatened to not come to the wedding, said my uncle will bring more money then our friends and that I owe my uncle a dept of gratitude. I am so hurt, I don't know what to do. Advice please???

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  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    Don't cave in! My mum is being like this and I am putting my foot down. People sit at tables for a couple of hours, after that they get up and speak to everyone else. For the sake of a couple of hours I think your uncle can sit further away. 

    Another thing that erks me is why people think the table plan is a hierarchy of who the couple like best.

  • MrsSharkMrsShark Posts: 861 New bride

    It never ceases to amaze me how crazy weddings can turn people! It's like people lose all common sense!! Just calmly tell her you are leaving the seating plan as it is, so that people are sitting where they are comfortable with the people around them. Surely his wife wouldn't want to be separated from him and sitting with the children on her own?! 

  • it's all become a competition now, as mum is claiming we are favouritising my partners mums family. He doesn't have many family members coming so the one uncle he has coming, so his uncle knows someone, we've sat close to my FMIL. I haven't talked to my mum now for almost three days, as she seems to be angry at me. Do I need to continue to stand my ground?

  • It all happened in the same VERY heated conversation. When the "I'm not coming if you don't change the seats" she resorted to saying my uncle would be giving me more money then the best man and that my uncle haa done a lot for me... I have seen my uncle five times in the last four years. 

  • Really good. But over the wedding she had not been the best. She has bought a dress which is predominantly white and when I bought hair extentions and had a hair trial she went and bought some too and got my stylist to curl it too. I'm just totally perplexed by her behaviour. I guess weddings just do strange things to family. Thank you for your support, my poor partner has had me bleating on about it and it's just nice to hear that I'm not just being a brideszilla.

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    If your mum wants to sit near her brother so badly, put her on his table!!

    Does your uncle know about all of this?  I'd assume he would prefer to sit with his family than be separated from them?  If you think that's the case maybe you should ask him and then explain to your mum that he would rather sit with his wife and children.

    It's not like it would really make a difference in the grand scheme of things anyway :S  What is wrong with families during weddings, eh??

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    Also, she's bought a dress that is predominantly white? Does this bother you? 

  • Very much so, but the more I verbalised my feelings, the more I was made to feel I was being "silly". The dress is white on the top and fades into a purple at the bottom, so in close up pictures itll look like we're both inn white. She's also got a white fascinator :-/

     

    honestly, I just thought i was being brideszilla.

  • You could go with an open seating plan. We let everyone sit wherever they wanted to.  Sheandhim is right, people usually only sit in their seats for a limited amount of time anyway and then they move around.  I didn't feel like playing teacher and telling anyone where they hadto sit or sit by. Immediate family was pointed towards two tables, but even we ended up moving around.

    If you don't go with an open seating plan, I'd agree with the others: she needs to stop being so silly over something that doesn't matter at all in the big scheme of things.

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    Is there anybody else that can talk to her about her wearing white on your day? Maybe if someone else points out how inappropriate it is and how surprised they are that it hadn't upset you she might realise how thoughtless she's being. 

    Asking your mother not to wear white on your wedding day is not being a bridezilla its being normal and is a known faux pas. I'm feeling all gah! for you. Is there anybody that can back you up?

  • Angie jAngie j Posts: 448

    Can you not ask your dad to speak some sense into her?  It does seem completely ridiculous I must say,  as others have said for the sake of a few hours. At the end of the day its YOUR wedding & your decision. 

    Surely where people sit is not about how much money/gifts they have given or are giving you! 

    I will say however although this is very stressful now it will all work out on the day! Try not to get too upset x

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    She needs to realise it's your wedding not hers image

    Can she pull off white? Also her dress or your dress may look 'dirty' if one is whiter than the other. Just tell her you don't want her to look washed out and you want her to stand out in pictures not merge into your dress.

    The table plan thing just stand your ground, explain you think your uncle would be happier sat with his family. 

    We had 64, with 10 on the top table and 6 to 8 on the rest, giving us 8 guest tables bit of a nightmare to get the best set up, but we decided on what we thought would work and didn't consult anyone else, we didn't see the need. First anyone knew about seating was when they saw the plan on the day.

    To be honest like us if your having round tables and the rooms not long and thin then no one's going to be sat too far away.

    Let her sulk! Hopefully she will come to her senses. How far off is your big day?

  • I'm three weeks tomorrow! I'm so excited and can't wait to start the rest of my life with my boy. Although I have been let down and disapointed by my parents, I have come to realise that it is our day and as long as we're both there together exchanging our vows, the day will be perfect.

    i will stand my ground and that's the end of the story. If she chooses to stand hers and not come (which I doubt she won't as shell loose too much face) then that's her choice.

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177
    Danielsgirl wrote (see)

     If she chooses to stand hers and not come (which I doubt she won't as shell loose too much face) then that's her choice.

    Exactly! Let us know how it all goes image

  • Ok ladies update. My mum has "called" a family meeting to discuss the seating arrangements because she now feels bad about it all. No apologies or how are you, just let us have a say, it's the least you can do.

    Going later this afternoon... What on earth do I say to that????

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  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    You don't have to justify any decisions you've made, stand by them. I don't see the point of a family meeting tbh but since you're going, I would just tell her that you've accepted that she feels bad about it and that you should all move on. Don't change the table plan, if she's anything like my mother she'll try and guilt trip you into changing it by being all nice and making excuses for her behaviour with things like "I just want the best for you...it would be better if you changed this". 

    I would also pop in there that while she's doing some soul searching she should reconsider her choice of outfit image but that's just me!

    Good luck!

  • MartDMartD Posts: 10

    Not being funny love but it's your wedding. If she can't get that in to her head show her the nearest cliff and instruct her to walk off it.

     It's up to you to call a meeting about wedding arrangements, not her. I wouldn't trust a tantrum-throwing 5 year old to sort a seating plan anyway. 

  • Thabla everyone for your kind words and support. I am really nervous about this afternoon, but I will stay strong and hold my ground. I guess I'm more upset about the horrible things that were said about not coming and the guilt trips then her dictating who sits where. I just hope that things don't get damaged beyond repair. 

  • Thank you*

  • Little update. We have to go and meet with our wedding Dj in an hour, my dad has had 3 months to choose a song for our dance and he still hasn't chosen a song, as he "hasn't thought about it". image Really though?? Time to think about where his friends will sit at my wedding, but not our father daughter dance. 

  • SofiaF82SofiaF82 Posts: 177

    Well then he won't get a dance with his daughter on her wedding day! Gah!!!!!!!

  • Snowy78Snowy78 Posts: 453

    Honestly what is it with weddings and families, they really do bring out the worst in people, I can't really offer anything new but I agree with the others about standing your ground.

    Just wanted to send virtual hugs and let you know yours isn't the only family gone crazy! Good luck with your meeting today x  

  • MartDMartD Posts: 10

    If it makes you feel any better I told my inlawstobe that if they interfered they would be there. Maybe ask your husband to be to step in? 

     

    Or is this all a money thing?

  • So the meeting took place and nothing is resolved, if anything it's worse. Tried to stand my ground and I got tears and tantrums, so in the end I have in and said fine, but I'm not happy about it. At this point my Dad (who hasn't spoken at all so far) said to me that I'd been silly hadn't i. Which enraged me more!! My partner then stepped in saying how hurtful they had been and how it would be hard for me to forget this, it would take time. My mum then said to him she was talking to her daughter not him. And, that was the straw that btoke the camels back and we left. No contact again for the last two days. Help?!

  • MartDMartD Posts: 10

    Remove them from your plans and carry on.

    Seriously, if they're going to talk to your future husband like that then they have no place in your life or at your wedding. For them to also say that you are being silly is downright disrespectful.

    I don't understand why you're pandering to their needs and wants when it is supposed to be you and your husbands day, not theirs.

  • It's easier said then done, image It's hard telling your own parents not to come to your own wedding.

  • MartDMartD Posts: 10

    I can well understand that and I genuinely sympathise but have a look at this from 'outside' that circle.

    1 - Your mother wants to upstage you at your own wedding

    2 -  They are making demands off you as though it is their choice

    3 - You are being treated like a little girl - "Aren't you silly?"

    4 - You are being told what's happening re seating arrangements

    5 - They are acting like school kids. "Do what we want or we'll stamp our feet and wont come to your party"

    6 - Your mother has essentially told your husband to be to shut up. If that was me, she'd have been given a mouthful and told where to go pretty sharpish.

     

    Now, bearing in mind, out of everyone going to your wedding (and everyone in your life) they should be the ones who, above all else, want to ensure that you are happy, they're going the entirely wrong way about it, aren't they?

    Your wedding day should be about you and your husband, not your mother or father. It seems to be they're trying to live vicariously through you and that's both incredibly selfish and really quite sad.

    I think you need to look after number 1 and lay down the law: you tell them what's happening at your wedding. If they don't like it, that's tough. They can lump it and attend.. or be grumpy and not attend. At the end of they day, if they aren't there.. it's them who will look like fools to the rest of the family and they wont want that.

  • Yes you're right! I am a little bit stubborn tbh, and now I'm in a tug of war with myself whether to ring them and say this is the end of it, draw a line and I want to hear nothing more about it: you'll see on the day where we have decided. Like it or lump it. Or leave them to come to me. 

     

    Thank you everyone!

  • MartDMartD Posts: 10

    I wouldn't even call - it's just another opportunity for an argument or fight to happen. Just carry on and wait for them to come running then you can let them know what you've decided. You'll feel a lot more empowered too as you're not having to do the donkey work image

     

    Good luck!

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