so dissappointed that it had ended up like this...

I'm not really sure where to start...

I have a large social circle in the city where I live that has been close for about 8 years now, since I first moved there. For several years I had a partner who was also part of that group. We broke up and for a while things were very tense, our breakup was very painful and sort of dragged on. It was not made easier by the fact that we had a lot of mutual friends. The situation was really affecting me and I chose to go travelling for nearly 18 months. I just neededsome space and a chance to gain perspective and heal.

I have since come back and I am in the process of rebuilding my life and reconnecting with old friends, all of whom I made the effort to stay in touch with online while I was away.

 

I have been feeling really happy and positive and more like my old self again but things are starting to rear their ugly head again. I saw my ex while I was out and about and although he was friendly he afterwards messaged me to say that he was still struggling and need space and that he wasn't ready for us all to be friends again. I accepted this and simply said that I was excited to see people again after being away so long.

Anyway I saw two close friends at another friends birthday and was chatting away to them, they had got engaged while I was away. I was so happy for them, they started seeing each at the same time i was with my partner and we spent a lot of time together. holidays, birthdays, dinners out we saw each other all the time. Anyway the bride is excitedly telling me all about the proposal and showing me the ringe and generally being all girly and chatting about it.

I then heard nothing for weeks apart from my ex mentioning that he was best man. I was genuinely happy for him and was surprised that the groom hadn't mentioned it when i saw him. My ex then sort of accusingly asked when I had seen them?

Anyway I am looking on facebook and i can see that all the save the date cards have been sent out and and people are posting up little thanks yous etc. practically everyone from that social circle is invited ....I am then out at a party and unfortunately we are all rather drunk and my two best friend start talking about how she made all the save the date cards and then started gushing away about it. As I hadn't received one but I had only recently got back I sort of enquired if there had been one for me?

And the said no...

 

I was so devastated I burst into tears (drunk and emotional)...I had sort of dreaded this happening. I was so sad that I was going to not be able to see their happy day and the culmination of an 8 year relationship that I had watch grow and flourish. 

I wasn't sad that I hadn't got an invite but I was horrible heartbroken as to the reason why- which was that my ex was going to be best man and obviously they felt that my presence would cause tension. 

I just felt like i had tried so hard to smoth things over, make ammends and have a fresh start and yet within a month of being back old hurts and resentments were coming at me again. I have often been snubbed and left out of things in the past and it hurt then bu i was so hoping that now things would be easier.

I messaged my ex and told him that i was very hurt to not be invited and as to he reasons why...he sais that i had not been here and that i was not such good friends with them and that i should try to build bridges by arranging to meet up with them. he claimed that he had never said that he didn't want them to see me.

 

For all this may be true in the past he has refused to speak to me and told other friends that me being around is too much for him to deal with...i wouldn't mind but we split up 2.5 years ago. i really feel that this should be in the past. I wouldn't mind be ultimately

Posts

  • shantishanti Posts: 2

    . I wouldn't mind be ultimately he didn't want to be with me when i wanted more commitement so its not like i cheated on him or dumped him. He has never been out with anyone since as far as i know, although i would be very happy for him if he did. I think meeting someon new would really help him to move on.

    I have tried in the past to meet up with the couple in question but the response has been cool especially from the groom...the bride has made the effort to include me in birthdays etc in the past. I dont want to feel like I am chasing after them, to be honest I am fine if they want to remain better friedns with my ex but I am rahter hurt to be the only one in our social circle excluded from the wedding. This never happens to my ex and i constantly left feeling like the guilty party. 

     

    Im not really sure what to do next...i feel rather drained by the whole thing...in a way i have had my big cry and come to accept it....I don't know whetehr to make an effort to meet up with them socially or to just leave it.

    I am so tired of these silly games and battles. I wanted a fresh start and thins is tking up valuable energy.

    but at the same time 8 years of very colse friendship is not something i walk away from lightly, especially when never a cross word had ever been spoken between up...

     

    Confused, hungover and trying my best to be positive.....

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    I think it was a bit shit of ur ex to play that card and force people to choose, unfortunatly i dont think theres anything you can do about it

    however i would say that,  if it were me i would be extra nice to the couple and say that although they r in this awkward position that u still want to be there for them etc, offer to help and be there as a friend - you never know they might change their minds or at least invite u to the night party? i know it will be hard but by showing u are being the bigger person will really help and yes you might not get invited to this wedding but theres always the next and when ur ex meets someone he might realise what a twat he was being about this.

    just say u r still around as a friend, when is the wedding? do u have time to try and arrange a few social events to show that you and ur ex can be in the same room/ event and it all to be ok? if its at save the date stage normally this means a year before? so plenty of time for them to change their mind? also night guests dont get save the dates. if its a samll wedding they might be right as they will not want the best man getting drunk and acting an idiot at their wedding just coz his ex is there

    hope some of that helps

  • It sounds like you were making great progress in being happy and what has caused you to undo a lot of this work is your social group. It almost seems you feel it needs to be an either/or situation meaning either they invite you because they are good friends or they don't and you shut them out of your life. This seems a bit toxic. These friends and your ex can only affect you like this with your permission. Perhaps you should take control and say to yourself 'this experience has taught me a lot but I'm going to let that anger go and move on'. Travelling for 18 months is a brave thing to do in itself so clearly you're not afraid of change. Take that bravery and apply it to your old life, the one with toxic ex boyfriends and secretive friends. You'll soon find that as soon as you become happy, your friends will naturally gravitate back to you and all of the issues with your ex will wash over you. Make the mental decision to move on and see other friends and when people in your social circle ask you about your ex, just say 'oh I haven't really thought about him to be honest, I've been busy doing....'

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