Both mothers are driving me crazy!!

Hello, 

Second post and already have drama!!  I got engaged to my h2b after a year togther, we live together and we are happy. I am not going to lie we have our moments but all in all we are happy.

It started with h2b's mother being over the top with him and he was getting embarassed by her actions. He decided he would confront her about them and she automatically thought it was my doing. She then started slating me and bringing up my abusive ex and saying I was a liar and people have told her that I am a liar even when I was younger (I am 26 now).

My h2b was a mummies boy for a while so much so that she bought him a car and kept it in her name, had his savings account details and generally small annoying thing that I could cope with. So anyway his mum asked him to choose between us and he chose me. She took his car, said he cannot have his savings and left him unable to get to work the next day! We struggled and eventually got him a car and I supported him even encouraged him to speak to his mum. He was adament she was not in his life anymore!

Obviously she blamed me and I could cope with that as it wasn't true. Three months past and we spoke about getting engaged and I persuaded him to get in contact with his mother. I felt she needed to know our plans before someone random told her. Despite everything he is her only child. So they are now speaking and she slated me for a bit till my h2b told her he won't have contact with her until she stops. Now she just doesn't mention the wedding or anything.

So that is just one half!! Sorry this post is so long!

Anyway we got engaged and I told my mum and she was happy. We met and because I had been talking to my maid of honour about wedding ideas my mum said she felt left out. That's fine I said I would include her in the future, she even said she would give us money towards the wedding which I was grateful of.

My h2b and my mother have never got on, they are opposites, she finds him childish and rude and he finds her obnoxious, mean and intimidating. He hates how she is with my children (not regularly seeing them) and criticizing me constantly about my weight.

So I kept them apart, anyway the night of my engagement, after telling my nearest and dearest, my mother informs me that my h2b isn't right for me. All my family dislike my h2b they all find him rude and childish. They don't want me to have a baby with him etc. My family even decided that instead of giving us money, they would only pay for things that were for me in the wedding.

So I basically ignored them and carried on. My partner was angry at me and my family because he thinks I should have told them to mind their own business! 

Now everytime I see my mother she makes little comments about my h2b and is always mentioning in a 'nice' way that my theme isn't great! She does it with such niceness that if I had a go at her she would say she was just joking even though I know her well enough to understand what she means. She even said my h2b is the laughing stock of my family and they always take the piss out of him as a group!

My h2b says to not take their money if they are going to dictate and to do it alone. He wants them to have no input into the wedding.

I am now stressed because everyone is at loggerheads! I want to marry my h2b, my children adore him and I feel that this is going to esculate to a point where something is said that cannot be taken back! Also at the wedding my family hte my h2b, his mother and step dad hate me and I feel it will ruin my wedding.

Any advice on dealing with warring families?? I know this post is long and I have tried to be as honest as possible. Obviously other parties involved will have different accounts...I am unsure what to do!

Posts

  • wilson2bwilson2b Posts: 272

    I hope this doesn't come across as negative, because I don't mean it to. 

    maybe the wedding isn't the thing to concentrate on at the moment? It might help to build up relationships first because otherwise you could have negativity all the way through your relationship which will put pressure on you both. It would be horrible for the marriage to not work due to other peoples inputs. 

    I hope it all settles for you. It truly sounds horrible and I really feel for you x

  • oh sweetrie that sounds awful! tbh in your situation i'd be tempted to elope and go straight on honeymoon and if anyone whined they'd be told straight out each side hates the other so whats the point! 

    i hope everyone grows up for yours and h2bs sake! 

  • Jomc11Jomc11 Posts: 484

    I think you may need to have some strong words with your mother, whether you want to or not otherwise this will ruin your planning time & wedding day, they either accept your h2b or they leave you alone, I think if you let it continue you may get to a point where you let it all out & things could be said that you couldn't change, your h2b also needs to deal with his own mother to.

    If after trying to amend things they cant then there can be no place for them at your day, you can't have that stress/ even knowledge that they are there yet are against the marriage, you should be surrounded by people who want to celebrate the fact you are together & taking the next step.

    Good Luck  

  • JB2013JB2013 Posts: 115

    Sounds like you're having a horrid time! I agree with jemmykins, I would go abroad just you h2b, your children and a couple of close friends, don't tell any of your families until it's done. If a bit further down the line everyone learns to get on you can have a blessing and a party with your families  Weddings are meant to be two families coming together and celebrating your marriage, and at the moment I don't think that is possible with a big wedding. 

  • Bekki4Bekki4 Posts: 8

    Thank you all for your advice.

    Wilson2b I understand what you are saying but with our wedding in 2016 I think there is plenty of time to try and sort issues without putting the wedding on hold, but I don't think your comment was negative image

    As for the idea of eloping I love the idea but won't that strain the relationships even more?

    I think we have some issues to sort out and talks needed to be had.

  • wilson2bwilson2b Posts: 272

    Oh that's lots of time to talk through things, I thought it was going to be closer. I hope that it does all resolve itself and quickly. x

  • HydrogirlHydrogirl Posts: 809

    I made the decision that things could be worked out and the parents/adults would actually act like adults -they didn't I wanted to go abroad and didn't 

    I think yes it might strain ur relationship eloping however planning a wedding will just stress u out more and it might be worse On relationships?! There's more to argue about etc

    i really would say go abroad then instead of getting upset further down the line you are just getting married for yourselves the day is about u and going away means it's still a bout just you too. Plus u can have a nice big party that they can help plan when I get back

  • SarahL1408SarahL1408 Posts: 154

    When I was reading your post, I have to say, like jemmykins ... I would be very tempted to elope to avoid any negativity. 

    Its hard for me to give you advice, as I get on well with my MIL and my H2B gets on with my mum, but all of our relationships have become a tad strained leading up to the wedding.  Me and my mum particularly.  This has not been over H2B being the right person for me ... just general wedding things and we do always make up, but it really has tested me and mum. 

    I think you just need to do what is right for you and your husband to be.  I think if you decide to have a wedding with all the guests, I would make sure you speak to your side of the family and explain that you love H2B etc and get your H2B to do the same.  They should respect your love for one another and your wish to get married.

    Hope it all works out for you.

    x

  • Bekki4Bekki4 Posts: 8

    Thanks for the continued advice!

    I am really up for getting married abroad, but my h2b isn't. Now we are at a crossroads lol! x

    Where would be the best destination to get married abroad? We have tow young children so flying for my than 2-3 hours is out of the question. Would ideally like to stay in Europe and if we get married abroad we can do it 2015!! x

  • If you are entertaining the possibility of eloping, couldn't you just do it in your own country somewhere?  My previous husband was not liked at all by my family, and his family was from about 1100 miles south of us and not planning to come up (they were also not fond of me), so we planned a wedding just 2 1/2 hours north of our hometown in an area I love (resort town).  We were married there, just the two of us; the officient brought two people to be our legal witnesses. The wedding/ ceremony was beautiful. I don't know what the laws are in the UK, but if it's legal, maybe you can find a nice site within the country to elope to, which would make travel with young children easier. Otherwise, I think I personally would still elope or just have a very small affair. This sounds like a very large scale problem that could take a long time to work out -if it ever does at all. I'm sure you would like to focus on the happiness your marriage as a new couple and the bringing together of your husband with your children, and not playing family counselor to everyone else who can't seem to put aside their differences and just be happy for you.

  • I hope my point wasn't misconstrued.  I of course hope you are able to work things out...but if you can't, or it gets too ugly, elopment is always an option.

  • Bekki4Bekki4 Posts: 8

    KateMarried3 I didn't misconstrue your message. I have been looking into getting married in the UK but a few hours away as there are beautiful places.

    Think my h2b and myself are just worried about the fall out if we elope!

    Thanks everyone image

  • SheandHimSheandHim Posts: 379

    I would see nearer the time, have elopement plans as a back up in case things still aren't working out with the mums. 

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    If you can manage it, plan to have a wedding that you and your fiancé can afford between you.  If you can avoid taking mony from either side of the family (thinking of your mum) that will help with making your own decisions and it will be easier to say no to people.

    Your fiancé has manned up and is standing up to his family for you.  You need to do the same for him.  Your mum and other family members need to stop speaking negatively about him in front of you.  If you mum reports that they are talking about you and him behind your back you need to speak out about this too.  By speaking negatively about him, by implication they are being rude about you and your choice of life partner.

    "My h2b says to not take their money if they are going to dictate and to do it alone. He wants them to have no input into the wedding."  I totally agree with this.

    Good luck, hope you find a path through this...

     

     

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