A stag do too far...

Myself and my fiancé are due to get married in April 2015. He is my true love and I trust him implicitly - or so I thought. He went on two back-to-back stag dos in April, one in Magaluf, one in Krakow. I was more than happy for him to go, but he seemed to come back a changed man. We have always been honest with each other about everything, but when he came back from the first stag do he was very cagey - it was all 'what happens on tour stays on tour' and he also said he didn't want my dad going on his own stag do anymore! He admitted that they had been to a strip club, but he hadn't had a lap dance, which I accepted. The following weekend came Krakow. When he came back he told me that he had paid to have a lap dance in a private room. I thought I was laid back enough to be ok with it, but as it turned out I wasn't. The thought of some naked Polish woman writhing around on top of my fiance makes my blood boil! I had a bit of a freak out and told him that it was totally disrespectful to someone he'd asked to be his wife. He was very apologetic and I thought that was the end of it. However, two weeks ago (5 months after the stag do in question) he admitted that he had gone to a party at one of the strippers houses!!! There were 5 strippers there and apparently he only went because one of his friends wanted to sleep with one of the strippers. They basically blew off the rest of the 30-strong stag party to go to this house! He said he left pretty much straight away but obviously I am having a very hard time believing him - why didn't he tell me in the first place if he has nothing to hide? I have never doubted our marriage until now. I am dreading his stag do (his best man wants to go to Lithuania!) and I have said he can't go on his best friends stag do in Portugal in October as punishment. Am I overreacting? I feel so betrayed. Why do men have to take it so far?

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  • I didn't want to read and run, but really it's so hard to know what to say. I understand how upset you must feel, that's so difficult, particularly as it's taken him so long to tell you. It sounds like you need to sit down with him and get him to tell you exactly what happened on both weekends, and then see how you feel about the discussion. So sorry x

  • I'm sorry this has happened and you're starting to have doubts as a consequence. It's really hard know what to suggest without knowing you, only you will know what to do. I've never understood why men have these ridiculous stag weekends abroad, it seems so over the top. I'm very fortunate that my H2b would never want anything like that, but I'm sure if it was for one of his friends stag dos he would go and partake in the activities.

    I can imagine the stags get a lot of peer pressure from their friends when they're away, so I think you need to investigate whether your fiance was the instigator in these or simply going along with it because 'it's what you do'. It's hard to say no when everyone else is doing it and it could be that he was embarrassed of his actions. You really need to talk to him and be completely honest. Tell him how it's made you question your upcoming wedding and I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it and work out how you feel. Good luck. 

  • Beth90Beth90 Posts: 284

    I agree with everything Sal above has said

    unfortunately for some reason men turn in to complete idiots when around their friends and some more idiotic than others. I am dreading my h2b stag do, I have told him to use his head and don't give in to peer pressure. 

    Hope you can sort this out. And find out the complete truth! 

  • Hi Claire 

     

    sorry to hear about your stag do traumas and like sal says it is similar to a thread from a few months ago.  I think that Sal is bring unfair by saying that he is untrustworthy after reading a post.  We can't know what is in either of your heads after reading a few paragraphs.  As a veteran of a number of stags it is true that men behave stupidly sometimes but to throw a relationship away because of a mad weekend seems a bit extreme.  i think he has fessed up because he feels guilty about what happened . I take that as a good sign.  Most guys just keep their mouths firmly shut post stag

  • These liaisons, whilst unfortunate, are brief impersonal one offs with people who will never be seen again.  if every bloke came back from a stag and gave his other half chapter and verse then we would need another website for the threads !

    I would urge the couple concerned to put it behind them and look forward to the future together.  Some people seem to take pleasure in other people's misfortunes and adopt a holier than thou, gloating tone.  but of course that could just be me being cynical 

  • no one is saying his behaviour is acceptable, what I am suggesting is that maybe they might want to try and put it behind them for the good of their relationship.  whether they sort it out is between them two,  I am sure if they break up you will be very upset 

     

    incidentally, I can't see your planning thread anywhere,  when is your happy day and who is the lucky chap ?

  • Hi Clair - sorry to hear about your predicament. I think you need to take all advice on here with a pinch of salt. Every relationship is different and I don't think any of us on here can be so sure what your partner did or didn't get up to on these stags. Obvs I hope for your sake that the worst scenario was a private lap-dance. 

    I am not sure that not allowing him to go to Portugal as punishment is the right solution though. I think you really need to talk things through with him again so you can build up his trust? I am sure you two will be able to work things out.....Good luck xxx

  • Sal 3 do you come on here just to pick at other peoples comments?? Because since i joined that is all ive seen you do!

  • Lol sarcasm is the lowest form of wit you know. But ah well.. small minds

  • Can we not change this thread into another Sal 3 bashing one please, it's getting a bit repetitive.

    OP I think you need to have a sit down with your h2b and talk about what happened on these stag weekends, only you can decide if you want to marry him as a result of what he decided to do there, what ever it was.

  • I personally would not take this well, firstly that my H2b had not told me the whole truth straight away, and secondly cos it'd be so out of character for him that I'd wonder if I really knew him at all.

    Did he do lots of boys holidays before u got together?  Is it just that he's discovered the fun an freedom of them an is taking advantage before he 'settles don't, or is this what he was like before ud got together an whenever he is out on his own will this be how he acts?

     

    I think u need to sit down an explain exactly in your eyes what he has done wrong,  an how it's made u feel. How he responds to what u say should give u ur answer of what to do next.

    Good luck an hope it all works out for u.

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I think Rachel is right, the only thing you can do is sit down and talk to him, explain how you feel. None of us know your relationship or what he was like prior to all this happening etc.

    You have said he was not like this before so maybe it was just an awful, drunken mistake and before I get pounced on, this by no means makes up for it, but we all make bad decisions and mistakes, we're only human at the end of the day.

    Deep down, you'll know what you want, sometimes you just need a bit of reassurance, but it's up to you at the end of the day.

    Hope it all works out for you image xx

  • I just want to go on Sal3s fella's stag

     

     

  • Lol @ TomandSarah

    As most others have said you should really have a good chat with him and get everything off your chest... no-one knows of your relationship background together of its out of character for him to such a thing, only you can decide the next step..

    Oh and if it was my fiance that had behaved like that i would be very unhappy too and it would be hard for me to trust him on any future trips!

  • "sal darling I was thinking of having a stag do, just me and a few mates down the local ..."

    "IVE TOLD YOU ONCE YOU DONT WANT ONE!"

    "yes dear, sorry ...."

  • Beth90Beth90 Posts: 284

    This is all getting a bit childish now...

  • Omg enough now jeez

  • It's only a giggle isn't it sal? 

  • Do u want to re-read my comments and then re-write your comment Sal? Im surprised people dont stop posting on here when they get jumped on like that

  • Wrong comment lol 

    I feel really sorry for your fiance.. how does he put up with you day in day out?

    Anyway sal im off now as i have better things to do with my time.. night, have fun annoying people for the fun of it image

  • Now go and give your head a shake

  • Wrong comment lol 

    I feel really sorry for your fiance.. how does he put up with you day in day out?

    Anyway sal im off now as i have better things to do with my time.. night, have fun annoying people for the fun of it image

  • Spooky !  That's exactly what I am doing . And the winner of Troll of the year is......

  • Such anger-fuelled comments from someone in particular. It's a shame as normally I enjoy logging on to this site.....

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157
    Hi Claire,



    Hope you can work this out with your fiance, but it seems you really need to sit down with him and talk with him in a non-aggressive, non-judgemental way if you want to really find out what went on.



    Could it be the case that he didn't tell you the whole story initially because of the reaction you had to the private lap dance? (which he thought you'd be OK with based on your comments?)



    You say you're banning him from a trip to Portugal as a punishment? This is excessive. What do you think he will do in Portugal that he wouldn't do in the UK? Or is it that he really wants to go and that you're preventing this as a punishment? If so, is that a dynamic that you want to take forward into your marriage?
  • Same Loveweddings2, I have never seen someone be so nasty on here. My fiancé can't believe how bitter some of the comments have been!

     

     

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Hi Claire, I completely understand why you're upset and I think you and your OH need to have a long sit-down and discussion. The issue here isn't so much what he's done, it's that he's broken your trust. He needs to understand that this is a serious thing and he needs to work to regain your trust - which will take a while.

    I also think you guys need to work out if you know where each other's boundaries are - every couple is different, some people think X is out of order whereas other people think X is totally fine but Y isn't okay. Make sure you're both VERY clear on what is and isn't okay in your relationship.

  • ....I look forward to the day I actually stumble upon and see Sal 3 write a nice comment on this forum which doesn't turn in to an argument ha!image

  • I feel very sorry for your predicament, Clair2.  None of us here can tell you what to do; how you choose to proceed is entirely up to you. This is a lot more complicated than us advising you on silk vs real flowers or something as light as that. If it were me, I would be very devastated...possibly to the point of "no return." I am just very glad my husband's "stag" party was here in town with his three little boys. They went for hot wings, laser tag, etc...pretty innocent. 

  • Perhaps I havent read enough posts on here ... but I kind of think Sal3 is absolutely right ...

    I too am sick of people .. and men in particular making it acceptable for them to pay to look at naked women because they are getting married (what better reason right?!)....

    Like Sal said .. if he had done this on one weekend of a 'normal' week...no stag do.. is it then acceptable as I just dont think there is an excuse for this kind of behaviour.

    However I know each relationship is different and perhaps he didnt know how you felt about this prior to going.. had you ever expressed your thoughts on strip clubs? If you have made out that you are pretty laid back about the whole thing when you are actually not you may have shot yourself in the foot there. In which case I am not sure he can be entirely blamed....

    If however you had made it absolutely clear that you didnt find it acceptable... then for me that would be the end of a relationship. I personally dont want to be married to someone that thinks its acceptable to spend the evening at a strippers house... It doesnt matter where you are or what the occasion is.. if you are inclined to do stuff like that.. then I would say it wont be the last time. image

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