Dilema! Please help me

Hi everyone,

I have got myself in a pickle and could do with some advice...

My other half is reluctant to go on holiday with me, but when he was due to go to Paris this month with work I got really jealous. He also spends an awful lot of his free time out playing golf. I decided to go away somewhere myself to comfort myself for missing Paris. I booked a night in a b&b by the seaside. I decided not to tell him because he would tell me it is too expensive (we are trying for a baby and just got a new car - but its only £40!) and he would want me to stay home and look after our marine fish (but its only one night so I know the fish would cope). BUT now he tells me he isn't going to Paris after all but will attend via Skype from home!

I don't want to tell him about it really because he would not like the idea (and he wont be able to come with me because of the Skype meeting etc). But then again I don't want to cancel as I've been really looking forward to it! I cant transfer the dates and the money is nonrefundable. It seemed like one thing to not mention it and go away whilst he was away, and quite another to lie and make up a reason for being away for a night!

Dilemma!

 

Background:

My other half and I have not been on holiday together since 2010. He always says holidays are expensive and he thinks he would get bored, so I tend to go on holiday with my parents. However he goes on golfing holidays with his mates to France! And we have enough money for us to go together on a cheap holiday but he only seems interested in big cruises - which he wont go on because he wont trust anyone else with our fish. I would love to go on a proper holiday together but he just tells me he couldn't go away because he needs to work and has no holiday time left (mostly used up on Golf!).

I feel really bad now. Please tell me what you would do in my place

 

 

Posts

  • im not sure what i would do in your place but i think u have a few options

    A - tell him that ur going

    B- lose the money and dont tell him

    C- findout if the place has wifi and possibly he sould do his skype call there?

    D - tell him is was booked as a treat by ur mum, friend etc?

    as for not going on holiday as he has used up his days for golf y not workout what days u both have an dhow much u would want to spend cost and time on holiday - as it could be a place that offers golf too? i.e. my mum and dad go to florida where he golf in the morning comes back to the villa at about lunch time then they have the rest of the day together? does his golf friend have partners? they might b in the same boat and might want to join on these trips to hang out with the girls? tell him u want a small holiday or city break to get away its not very fair that hes going on holiday with friends (which can be super expensive) and not you - also look into place for long weekends or 4/5 dyas instead of a week and hotels with stuff on or close to stuff so he wont be bored?

    hope that helps! good luck!

  • To be quite frank, it sounds like these could be bigger issues in your relationship. 

    Do you regularly disagree about money? Is there often things you aren't 'allowed' to do because it costs too much? 

    Theres nothing wrong with being careful about money, especially if you are of the same opinion. Difficulties start when you dont agree with one another. I would be pretty angry about not being allowed to spend £40 on a night away, so I would still go for it anyway. 

    You both need to sit down and discuss your money issues, having money aside for own luxuries is something I couldn't live without. Myself and my H2B both earn from our jobs, we pay for the bills and what we have left over can be spent on what we choose. 

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I think just tell him you're going because you haven't had a holiday for XX amount of years.

    Like Mrs D to Be says, there seems to be much bigger issues here image 

  • Thanks Hydrogirl,

    I don't really think A (telling him I'm going) is an option because it would be more hassle than its worth.

    I don't really like B (lose the money and don't tell him) because I miss out on the holiday although I would get to be feel honest again which is much more relaxing!

    I really really really highly doubt he would want to do option C (he could do his Skype call there) although they do have free wifi. He would probably say it was too much hassle, expensive + need to be around to feed the fish etc

    I hadn't thought of option D! It may be a possibility. It is awkward because it is midweek. My parents would happily give me some money to help me take a holiday and have offered several times, but they would be more likely to let me choose where and when and it would make more sense to choose a weekend when he could come too (but he wouldn't have wanted to go there as it is not in a location he would have picked and it doesn't have a pool etc). 

    I could say my friend is staying there and has extra space or something. It feels very underhand but I can't really see the harm. What if I get run over and no one knows where I am! 

  • Thanks Mrs D to Be and sooz84

    Yes there are other issues than this particular holiday - genearlly around the amount of time we spend together (due to golf!) - our lack of holidays etc. We don't disagree about money a lot, but he earns a lot more of it than me (and spends it mostly on golf and our new car). I have my own money and can spend it as I please. Like you we both earn from our jobs, we pay for the bills and what we have left over can be spent on what we choose. I am 'allowed' to do what I want but I know he wouldn't want us to both be away with no one feeding the fish. It was underhand of me to book it and not tell him.

    We do need to be careful with our money because we are trying for a baby etc. We both agree on this. I think £40 is low enough to be not an issue. He is paying for the majority of the car so I feel a bit guilty there.

    I have been on holiday with my parents last year and will go away with them later in the autumn while he is on a golf holiday with his mates.

    I just feel so awkward and guilty! 

     

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Caroline22, I don't think it was 'underhand' of you at all - you're a grownup and if he has the right to go away then so do you. Seriously, fish can survive a night! 

     I think if you have the type of relationship where you each do things that you want to do (he goes on golf hols; you go on hols with your parents) that's fine - but then why should you feel guilty for organising to do something yourself when he is away? I can't see that you've done anything wrong. 

    As an aside - it's not okay for him to always put himself first and use up all his holiday on playing golf with his mates rather than spending quality time away with you. If you didn't WANT to do that, this would be a different matter - but the fact that you do but he still chooses to do what he wants means that he's being selfish and unfair. There's no reason why he can't compromise and give up one golf holiday so you can go away together. Considering how selfishly he's been acting, booking yourself a night away in a hotel is nothing!

  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    I earn a lot more than my partner but he does as he pleases with his spare money, however we don't class it as mine and his, if I can afford to pay for something, I do and visa versa.

    It just sounds a bit odd that you have to be so secretive about it, he's at home now so can feed the fish so there's no problem there image

  • Thanks JulyBug. I know I have the right to go away since he goes away. Yes the fish could survive one night - though its not ideal.

    Yes most of the time we do have the type of relationship where we each do things that we want to do -he goes on golf hols; I go on hols with your parents and day trips to the beach etc. It is fine most of the time. But recently he has become captian of the golf club and it is taking up an awful lot of his time. I have explained my feelings about this to him and he has made efforts for us to spend quality time together.

    I wouldnt feel guilty for organising to do something myslef when he is away except that this is a night away and a sligthly more expensive thing to do than a daytrip. I am allowed but I know in my head he would disapprove.

    I've explained to him that he shouldnt have used up all his holiday on playing golf. He said although I had been expessing an interest in going on holiday this summer and he had said provisionaly yes back in May, that we hadnt fixed on anything and so he felt free to book them. He looked with me at going on a weekend away together as this wouldnt take up any holiday time, but he was only interested in expensive holidays that he then ruled out for being too expensive. He thinks he would be bored. It was a lot of hassel looking at holidays with him. Almost more trouble than it is worth because I wouldnt be ablt to enjoy it without worrying about preventing him getting bored the whole time! In the end our car broke down and we used up the dates hunting for a new one.

    I dont want him to cancel his trip to France with his mates. He will get new holiday allowance in December and he promises we can go away together next year (I will believe it when it happens).

  • Thanks sooz84. 

    I suppose it is a bit odd to be so secretive about it -  I just want to avoid the hassel of him disaproving. He might not mind but I suspect he would have criticisms about spending the money. That said we do generally do as we please with our spare money. I guess it is because of the money he is paying for the car that I feel guilty. And because we are tring for a baby and that will likely be expensive too.

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157
    I would tell him. Is ??40 a significant expense? That's about the price of green fees for 1 day of golf.



    In your position I would say that I fancied a treat for 1 night and booked the trip. If you say that it's now non-refundable then he may feel that it's better not to lose the money.



    Are you both putting money aside as savings for when you have children? If so, how does that work, are you both clear on what that money would be spent on?



    Good Luck - hope it works out...
  • I just told him! He said fine - no big deal image  It was all in my head!

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Oh good! I'm glad it all worked out and you can enjoy your night image 

  • I think this all sounds really odd tbh.

    If he hadn't cancelled his work trip would you have gone away for a night and lied about it to him by not menioning it? That in itself is pretty weird imo, what else do you do and hide from him in case he 'disapproves' image 

    Why do you worry about being criticised for spending money when he spends what he likes on golf?

  • I agree with Heliganeden.. this sounds a little strange, you go away without him knowing and lie to him or tell him and he complains about it for one reason or another..

    both of those things aren't right, you should be able to go away for one night and not have to worry/be scared about telling him.. and he shouldn't complain or be unhappy with you for deciding to go on a little overnight trip when he goes on leisurely golfing holidays no questions asked.

    Anyway im glad you told him and it was fine in the end! image

  • He told me it really wasn't a big deal and would have been even less of one if I had just told him in the first place. He just kissed my forehead and told me I was a silly billy for worrying about it! 

    It looks like the problem is in my head. I should have had more faith in him. I really really don't like being criticized, so I have just avoided mentioning things sometimes that might be contentious.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for me going forward. Maybe I just need to relax!

  • I think you just made your own suggestion ^^^ lol, you should just relax abit image

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