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Sister in law due date is my wedding day!

A few weeks ago I found out my brother & his wife are expecting a baby! Yay! I am truly so excited and happy for them, I know they will be brilliant parents and I am very excited for them.

However, I'm equally upset at the thought that my brother won't be at my wedding! I thought I would just move on and get over it but every time I stop to think about it or plan something tears just come. So wedding planning at the minute isn't the happiest of things. 

I'm getting married in Ireland but my brother lives in England so it's not that he could even come and rush off if she went into labour. He's probably the person I'm closest to in my family as we are closest in age but I don't feel I can say anything and just have to go along been excited and happy for them and acting that it doesn't matter he's not going to be at my wedding. 

Our dad died a few years ago and I'm already worried about how I'm going to cope on the wedding day with the emotions of that, so now the thought of my brother not being there isn't helping. I have thought about changing the date and enquired with venue etc. but the costs would just be too high and my fiance's family have already booked their flights and paid deposits for accommodation etc. so don't want to cause an even bigger issue for everyone else.

I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has had this happen with close family members not being there? How did you cope? And does anyone have any ideas of how I could still involve my brother in my wedding from a distance? Or anything else that you think might help?





  • Could you skype the ceremony? Possibly? And someone could maybe have him record a video message to be played to you both at your wedding reception..

    Sorry if thats no help, not sure what else to suggest x

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Oh I'm so sorry aprilbride15, I can totally sympathise with how you feel. Firstly I don't think you should feel bad or guilty for feeling the way you do, of course you're so excited for your bro but that doesn't mean you won't feel so upset if he can't be there on your special day. I don't think I've got any helpful advice for you because I'm not sure there's anything that can be done except just accept it but give yourself time and don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you could try and involve him lots in the run-up to the wedding, get his advice on everything, ask which colours he likes, what he thinks you should do for A and B. That way, on the day, you'll see his advice/hand in everything and you can send him photos during the day so he can see how his advice/thoughts have shaped the day. Also make sure you skype/facetime him when you're dressed on the day so he can see you and be part of that special moment. Then you and your new hubby can call him once you're married so you've got some time to share with him. It's not the same as him being there but it might help you a bit.

    The last thing I'd say is maybe explore the option of changing the date - I know that it'll cause difficulties but it's your day and most people would completely understand why having your brother there (especially wnen your dad isn't around) is so important to you. If one of my friends changed their date I'd completely understand even if I'd already bought my flights! It may be way too expensive and impossible to do but at least if you explore that route then you'll feel that you tried. Best of luck xx

  • I think you need to look at the big picture:

    • You are marrying the love of your life and making a new family together
    • Your brother and sister in law has been blessed with a baby, a new member of the family! Your niece or nephew for the rest of your life!

    Both are happy occasions, at the end of the day the wedding day is only one day in a lifetime of celebrations and at the end of the day your brother will be there for the rest of your marriage and all the things that come with it. I wouldn't be embarrassed about sitting down with him and being talking through your anxieties and concerns. Sometimes just saying what is in your head helps. 

  • i wouldnt change ur date but i would make arrangements as the baby could be late or early meaning ur brother and his wife (possibly new baby too) could attend ur wedding - a due date is just the expected date but more often than not the baby does not come then!

    why not ask ur brother to look into costs for coming anyway - i dont think ur SIL could fly being pregnant but they could possibly take a ferry? if the baby comes early they may really want to show the family the baby? im not sure if SIL will be willing to travel before the baby is due. is there possibly  a return flight that day type thing? so ur brother could arrive in the morning and then leave during ur reception?

    and i agree with Skype being a good option

  • We were considering having our ceremony filmed in case H2B's dad would be too ill to make our wedding.  Maybe you could have it filmed so your brother can watch it afterwards?

    You could also go out for a meal beforehand so you can have a mini celebration before you head off to Ireland image

    I'd feel the same as you if my brother couldn't come to my wedding so I kind of understand why you're upset.  You just have to try to remember it's a happy time for them as well (I know how hard that can be as well though!).

  • Thank you all so much! 

    We skype or facetime all the time but I hadn't really thought about how we could use that on the day, so will definitely have a think about that and talk about that with him closer to the date. Julybug really like the idea of skyping him with H2B after wedding ceremony.  

    Originally we had said we didn't want the wedding filmed but maybe in this case it is a good idea, so will maybe look at getting someone to film it and then they can both watch it afterwards.

    MrsRosstobe, thank you for the big picture, in my head I do know that and that's why I feel so bad for being upset and haven't spoken to my brother about it.

    Really thank you all, I think reading your comments has helped me see that I need to change how I'm thinking about this and stop focussing on him not being there to focussing on how I can involve him in the day. (while also keeping fingers crossed that SIL isn't in labour or baby arrives a few days early and he may be able to fly over for the day and make it at least to the wedding ceremony)

    Thank you all! Any other ideas please let me know! 



  • i think skype is a fab idea, if baby comes early, or exactly on time you could essentially have baby attend your wedding which would make it even more special. my mums brother couldnt come to her second wedding and we skyped him in as a suprise and she was over the moon. it was fab xx

  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    Hi Aprilbride15,

    I had a similar situation in that my best friend and bridesmaid was due a couple of days after the wedding. I was very worried she wouldn't be able to make the wedding as it was a couple of hours drive away but thankfully baby stayed put and she was able to be there and enjoy it with us. Baby ended up being 12days late.

    Another friend who was also pregnant at the wedding was originally due on 18th August but when she had one of her later appointments they decided they had it wrong and that actually she was due on 31st. She eventually gave birth 10days after that (almost a month after she had originally expected to have her!).

    My point is to try not to worry about it, babies come when they are ready and it can only be predicted to a certain extent. I'm sure your brother will do everything he can to be there with you, and if he can't be you'll know he has a very good reason for it and it will end up being a very special time of year for you all which will be lovely to celebrate together in years to come.

    None of my grandparents were able to be at my wedding due to poor health and I was very upset when they first pulled out. I do wish they could have been there, but I was still able to have a lovely day and had my 'something borrowed' from them and wore my grandmas jewellery which helped feel like they were close. Perhaps you could borrow something from you brother to wear or tie to your bouquet additionally to the great ideas above? Also, I think definitely skyping at the very least when you're all dressed just before you walk down the aisle so he can give you his well wishes and advice and tell you how beautiful you look etc would be really special. You could even take a photo next to his face on screen!

  • I'm guessing this is their first time becoming parents based upon how you worded this - so I'm with Hydrogirl on this one.  I would certainly contingency plan for him not being able to make it (i.e. facetime, skype, videography), but I would also make plans (if you can) for him to come.  If it's a first baby, they rarely show up when we tell them toimage  I had three immediate family members that could not come and I know how hard that can be (and we are a VERY small family). It's just that you want everyone you love to be there to share your joy!

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