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divorced parents

I haven't set a date yet but already I'm having issues with my folks. The background- mum and dad separated and divorced about 20 years ago, they both have new partners but my mum hasn't really moved on totally. Dad knows that mum can hold a grudge for Britain. He is concerned that as I am having a small wedding of 30 immediate family and very close friends there will be nowhere for him to hide from any funny looks or snide remarks.My mum hasn't said anything other than she'll have to travel to Scotland! Dad has said that even if mums on her very best behavior there will still be an atmosphere and I'd be looking over my shoulder all the time. Mr B has said he plans to speak to both of them before the event about their behavior. Last night he suggested that mum attends the ceremony in Scotland and then he attends the blessing in England. I want both my parents on my big day (albeit my second time around) because they are naturally a big part of my life.

On top of that mums not talking to my sister and hasn't for the past 5 years. I hope that every one will act like grown ups and enjoy mine and Mr B's day and for the following blessing/evening reception.

Families.....who'd have them. Any suggestions or counter arguments I can put to my Dad.

Posts

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 586 New bride

    I wish I could offer some help.My H2B's mother isn't invited to our wedding at all because she just can not behave herself-she's a rude, vile, bitter woman who would spoil the day for everyone (we too are having an intimate wedding of around 35) so we're just leaving her out altogether. Sad but necessary image I hope you can work it out x

  • Oh my gosh, this sounds really tricky. Sorry, I don't have any helpful insights, but I really hope it works out for you. You'd hope that they'd put aside their feelings and act maturely to make sure you have the best day possible! Fingers crossed you find a solution! xx

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    I completely empathise with you, I have a similar situation.  My parents have been on separate continents for the past 30 years and it's still not enough distance.

    Have you got relatives on either side that would be willing to act as 'wranglers'?

    One thing I've considered, is to have a meeting beforehand, just a coffee or something, with everyone together, just to get that first initial meeting over and done with - would that work in your situation?

    Like the H2B's idea of speaking to both parent beforehand

  • It isn't easy juggling peoples emotions that you feel you can't do with out on your big day. I have a couple of friends that I call Fuzzy Handgranades who know my folks and I can call upon to defuse any situations. I think that may be all I can hope for, control the situations as they arise and that H2Bs chats work.

    Thank you for your support. Anna22 I hope that your pre wedding get together works out for you.

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    I think you should have your day the way YOU want it, and if that means that both of your parents are there - then that's what should happen. I get that your Dad is probably just concerned but making a suggestion like that isn't that helpful if what you really want is both of them to be there. Honestly so many people have issues like this on their wedding day and it all works out okay - I think people get the message/hint that they are there for the happy couple and that's what is most important. Even if you mum isn't talking to your dad or her sister etc, she'll be talking to you and she'll be happy and thrilled to be there. On the other side, you'll also have your dad to share in your happy day. It's annoying but it doesn't REALLY matter if your parents don't talk much to each other (or at all!), it's not going to change the fact that they're both there for you.

    Things that might help will be to just think a lot about where you want each of them to sit at the ceremony/venue reception etc. Keep them as far away from each other as possible (in the ceremony/church, have a designated row for your mum and one for your dad and make sure the ushers/whoever tells them where to sit!) and then the same in the reception - put your mum next to people that she's comfortable with and will have a laugh with and same for your dad. Weddings are a happy day and people USUALLY put aside their issues.image

  • Julybug- very sage words that make complete sense.

     

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I think it's a good idea for your H2b to have a chat with them both but divorce does funny things to people and even after 20 years and new partners then bitterness still remains, that's how life is and that's how some people are - definitely sit them as far apart as you can and even if it is a relatively small wedding, you and your hubby will still be busy talking to other people and being busy enjoying yourselves on your special day! x

  • I'm in the same boat. Both detest each other and haven't spoken in about 8 years. I know I'm going to be constantly looking over my shoulder too. OH suggested just sitting down with both of them together, just so that the first time they see each other in ages won't be at the wedding. Unfortunately I think it's just one of those things that come with having divorced parents.   

  • Hi ladies, I know this is a bit out of the blue but thought you might be interested in the project that I am working on.

    I work for a television company and we're looking to speak to couples who are having difficulty planning their wedding because family arguments are piling on the stress.  We’ve met couples whose relatives haven’t spoken in years and who don’t want to be in a room with each other (and therefore don’t want to attend the wedding) and others who’ve threatened to actually fight at the wedding.

    We’d like to help by providing a mediator to smooth over the family issues before the big day, to make sure everyone actually attends and enjoys without stress – especially the bride and groom themselves!

    As this idea is in its very early stages, we’ve been asked to make a 3 minute tape (which would never be shown on television) to prove that this issue actually exists  - and is really common - so we’re looking to speak to people who would be interested in this kind of help.

    If you feel this is something that is something you would benefit from – a meditation service to help all your family members attend on the day and more importantly, to get on and put aside their issues so that everyone can enjoy the celebration – it would be wonderful to speak to you. I understand that it can be a tricky subject to discuss, but could absolutely assure you that it would be used to prove that this is the kind of show we need to be making to help people!

    My email is [email protected]  if you would be happy to have a informal chat, or if you'd like any more information.

    Thanks in advance,

    Zara

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