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Husband left after 3 months of marriage.

I really need people to chat to...I'd been with my partner for 8 years. We got married in August and after 3 months of marriage, he kind of just ran off and left me.

I'd been unhappy for the last month...stressful class that I teach, an Ofsted inspection, had a dodgy lung and also felt really lonely. My husband worked very late and he often came home at 8, would eat and then work until gone 10. I'd tried telling him I was unhappy and started getting so frustrated when he just didn't seem to do anything about it. I guess I just wanted him to make proper quality time for us in the evenings and start planning things for our future...holidays, things for the house etc. He said he could change etc but I guess nothing really happened and I continued to get more and more frustrated.

Half term came along and we were both supposed to go on holiday with his parents, who I really don't get on with as they have zero interest in me. We didn't go as I had a dodgy lung (pleurisy). I told him to go but he didn't. So, along comes the half term and I guess I have been so wound up at his lack of sympathy for my unhappiness that I just absolutely lost it. I told him I couldn't deal with being so lonely and bored ever single evening. It was really getting me down. He just didn't seem interested in anyway. He then decided to tell me how unhappy, miserable, sad and empty he is...which he hadn't told me before, probably because he has been so engrossed in his work!

We went back to my parents house during the half term for a few days and he was being miserable but I was trying to be more positive, saying how we would make an effort the next week by actually setting aside proper quality time to spend together in the evenings when he wasn't working till 10. We had a nice day on the Thursday, went for walks, to the pub and had lots of chats, so I felt more positive. The next morning we went into town as I was having my haircut so he was going to wait for me in town. I text after a bit to check he was ok and he responded by saying his auntie had picked him up and he was with her for the day. I was a little upset as we had made plans. Ever since that text he refused to see or speak to me. He text to say he needed space as he was so unhappy and couldn't face me. On Sunday he TEXT me to say the relationship wasn't working and he wanted to separate. This whole time he was refusing to communicate with me. He is still being awkward and isn't bothering with me. He wants to buy me out of the house as soon as possible so he can move on. He refuses to talk to me about his decision, only about the house. He has been so cold and emotionless towards me like the last 8 years have meant nothing. He then tells me that he has been unhappy for years. Why marry me then?????
I feel devastated and heartbroken. I know that this is probably for the best in the long term as I don't want to be with someone who does that to me and treats me with such little respect. But I'm finding it so difficult to cope with. My family, best friends and colleagues have been so amazing and supportive but it just feels like it won't ever get better and I just don't know how to deal with it.

I feel so hurt with the way he dealt with it and the way he is refusing to speak to me on the phone or face to face. He has been such a coward. I just don't understand. Only the other week he was sending me texts saying how much he loved and cared for me. I'm just so confused and shocked.
I know we had our problems but we've only been married 3 months and he didn't even want to support me when I was stressed and unhappy. I've sacrificed so much for him, I've left several jobs in order to move around for his work and moved away from my family. I've always supported him when he has been down and made sure he got help. He couldn't do the same for me. I am gutted.

Sorry, I

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  • Sally3Sally3 Posts: 380

    Gosh he really is behaving in a shockingly bad way! What are your friends & family saying about the situation? Did your family actually get on well him before this happened? 

    I guess all you can do is take one day at a time & it will slowly get better. It certainly sounds as though you would be better off without him. I would however have to tell him that he is treating you appallingly & you do not deserve this. Sending you a big virtual hug. 

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I'm really sorry to hear this - from what you've written, it seems that both of you have been unhappy for quite some time.  I think you need to decide what you want to do that is best for YOU. I hope your family and friends are being supportive to you.

    He is being a coward by not talking to you but you already know this. If nothing can be salvaged then the best thing to do is to go to a solicitor and get legal advice, but don't make any hasty decisions. xx

  • I know this will be hard, but maybe suggest going to a counsellor first and seeing how u get on with therapy, ask him to try, and try yourself, even for one or two sessions, you possibly need to break up in order to realise what kind of people you have now become and hopefully get the love back

    if not then make sure u r financially secure, I'm glad u have friends and family that can help, but it will take a while x

  • My family are absolutely livid at what he has done to me. They have always been so good to him, better than his own family. They have forgiven him several times when he really has been an idiot to me...lying, making up things about my family when drunk etc. I don't think there is another woman...i have had the conversation with him several times, obviously he could be lying, but I don't think he would be interested as his job really is his life!

     

    there have been many occasions over the last 8 years where he has behaved oddly. Once we were meant to be going on holiday to italy and he freaked out and ran off to his parents telling me how miserabke and unhappy he was and refusing to go away with me. I ended up going to the airport alone, prepared for a holiday on my own, then 2 mins before check in closes he turns up and behaves completely normal on holiday. it's like everytime he has a holiday and is not in work he freaks out and can't cope with being away from his job. It is a very high pressured job and he is obsessed with it. It has always been his priority. And my life has really always revolved around him and his work! 

    He seems to find it difficult to build relationships. He doesn't bother with his family, his friends or anyone really. I think he will end up a very lonely man.

    i just keep telling myself everything will be ok...

  • Sally3Sally3 Posts: 380

    Aah bless you. Do keep telling yourself that & I'm sure that it will be. He does seem to behave very strangely at times & I can't help feeling that it sounds like you would be so much better off without him. I wish you lots of luck for your future.

  • Yes...that's what everyone else keeps telling me! I just wish he'd left before the wedding...not wait until now. His behaviour certainly isn't normal for a 30 year old man. I think sometimes we get so use to our way of life that we think certain things are normal and we just accept odd behaviour. 

    I just want time to hurry up so I can feel better and forget all of this happened. 

    Thanks for all of your words of support and advice so far. It's good to hear things from people who aren't emotionally involved in the situation.

  • Well, he says he has had in the past and I have talked about it with him a lot before. i asked him to go to the doctors and he did a couple of times on different occasions, but then he never follows it up...so nothing has ever come of it. I have tried to be supportive of it but ultimately I think it is something he has to acknowledge and do for himself. My mum is convinced he has some sort of personality disorder...he just doesnt seem to have the capacity to understand normal human emotions. It's very odd. But then his parents are the same. They're not what I would call a normal family. They're very self absorbed. After 8 years I never really felt like they knew me. His mum didn't even know my mums name the week before our wedding.  They have never been interested in me or him for that matter.

    i did call his dad the week after he ran off. He was really horrible to me and told me the marriage was never going to work and that the two of us weren't in love. He was so rude to me. My family and I are very close so I always found my husband and his family's relationship very odd and difficult to understand. I tried to encourage him to be more involved with them but he just really wasn't interested. We had very different values and morals when it came to family I think. He would always say he wanted to be like me and my family but ultimately I don't think he had the emotional capacity to!

  • Sorry to hear about your sad situation.  Hopefully you can split quickly and get on with the rest of your life .

     

    x

  • Such a sad situation. It seems you both were really hanging on to have a "wedding" and not a marriage. Now that's happened, true feelings are coming through. This man isn't the life partner for you. Deep down you know that it's dead in the water. Try your best to focus on your life without him, and move on. I'm an older woman 50 next birthday, and my dear I've been there  and done that. Lean on your supporters and talk it through with them. Take one day at a time, and one day you will wake up and say, "I'm over him". You can't see it now but you will my dear. Cry and shout, get it all out of your system. Good luck and take care of yourself. 

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    A similar thing happened to someone I know, in you shoes I'd seek legal advice and take every penny I could, after all you have scarificed your career for his many times. If you have changed your name then change it back, try not to dwell on the past and just concentrate on how great the future will be without him and his family in your life.

  • Been there too, my heart goes out to you.  As everyone has suggested, be sure to get your affairs in order. Contact an attorney to make sure you don't overlook anything. It's easy enough to do when you're in a state of distress. I also definitely agree with the suggestion to do counseling. I did for a while and I think I would have healed a lot faster if I had stuck with it. Be sure to busy yourself with things - work, friends, hobbies, whatever - because you are probably going to want to crawl into a hole and hide somedays...but don't do it. Keep focused on your life and keep moving forward so as not to dwell on the sadness and the past. Things will get better, it will just take time plus your efforts to make sure you keep heading towards that "better place." Best wishes to you.

  • Faith8Faith8 Posts: 2

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  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,440 New bride

    So sorry to hear this... Have you tired writing him a letter or email... Explain how you feel, lay it all out there.

    Hopefully he will start talking soon.

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