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Help/Advice - Cheating online??!! What to do?!!


I’m not really sure, what I’m hoping to achieve from this, but maybe writing it down will help.

I don’t know what to do, I’m so confused.

My “fiancé” and I have been together since July 2005, so 9 and half years.

We are supposed to be getting married on our ten year anniversary next July, most things are booked but then things fell apart.

We began in a long distance relationship, lived together for a year (2 years in) and then were separate for another year or so before moving in together in 2010.

I have recently discovered that before we lived together (but whilst we were engaged) he was on chat sites chatting and messaging girls about meeting up, and how he wanted to “do” to them. Saying things like “I saw your ad and would love to meet. I'm 30 yrs old and love to pleasure woman.
I absolutely love the emo look its such a turn on. I'm new to this so not sure what to put. I look forward to hearing from you.”

I also discovered (after pushing him when finding a confirmation note) that he met with an escort and had a massage and oral sex with her.

When confronted, he broke down, telling me things from his past I didn’t know, and saying that living together and then separating was so hard and he was so lonely.

He swears he hasn’t done it since we’ve lived together. He’s made all these promises, and closed memberships to those sites, as well as changing email addresses but is that enough.

I don’t know if we weren’t getting married next year whether I’d still be doing this. Part of me thinks, we were apart, it’s been nine years he deserves a second chance, but part of me thinks, is that stupid, he’s done it once, can I ever trust him??!!

I don’t know what to do….





  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    That's really tough, hun - I'm so sorry you've been put in this position.

    I think the first thing that you need to work out is if you think there is something there worth salvaging. Please, please put aside the fact that you're getting married - that shouldn't influence whether you decide to stay with this guy or not. Maybe take some time for yourself and think about your life, if you're happy with him, if he makes you happy, if there is enough there to give this a proper go. Don't just do that because you've been together for a while 0- but because you believe there is a chance you could stay together for many years.

    It sounds like you found out all of the stuff he did which sounds like he hasn't actually told you about this himself. That makes me suspicious as he should have told you himself.

    If you do believe there is a chance you guys can work through this, and there is something there worth saving, then I think you need to sit down your OH and explain that he needs to EARN your trust again. He's totally broken it and he has to be prepared for you to find it difficult to trust him - and together you can work toward making things better again. He can't just expect to say sorry and for everything to go back to normal. He needs to work to earn your trust and love again.

    If he's prepared to do that, and you want him to, then you can take it from there. If I were you, I would postpone the wedding. It doesn't mean you can NEVER get married but this will mean you can work on your relationship without the pressure of having to organise a wedding on top of everything. This is a very personal thing though so you should do what you feel comfortable with.

    Wishing you all the very best!

  • Sorry your in this situation hun, I second every single word JulyBug said xx

  • I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, I can only suggest following your heart and if you feel its still right deep down than you should go for it and do you believe him? if you dont trust him than maybe you should postpone? but I know that is easier said than done. I hope everything works out in the end for you. Hugs! x

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