Bridesmaid Woes

Hi,

 Loking for some advice! Basically my best friend of 4 years is my bridesmaid along with my sister. Me and my fiancé got engaged last Christmas, and I asked them both to be bridesmaids in about March time. We are getting married in May 2015. my sister has been great throughout. Over the last few months my friend has become very distant, to the point I don't think she has actually asked anything about the wedding in months. I know she is havin trouble in her relationship, and I have tried to be supportive but they are basically living separate lives now. I have tried to talk about it with her but she is reluctant to open up. 

Im really not sure what to do - I feel like I've lost my friend over the last while and I am nearly at the stage I don't want her as a bridesmaid. She just doesn't seem interested in me or the wedding ! I have barely mentioned the wedding to her and when I do she doesn't say much. 

 

Anybody experienced similar behaviour? 

Any views or comments would be much appreciated. 

Posts

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    If she's having relationship issues I think it's understandable that wedding talk will be hard for her - is she still in touch in general? Your wedding will never be as interesting to anyone else as it is to you, but it doesn't mean she's not still a good friend 

    Be supportive of the issues she's having image

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Is she actively not coming to fittings or avoiding doing things that you ask her to do in relation to the wedding? Or is it just that she doesn't 'ask' you how things are going etc - because if it's that then I don't think you should worry - honestly I find talking about my own wedding quite dull sometimes so I don't expect everyone to be super eager to find out all the little details! Also - I think if she's got relationship issues then obviously those are going to be more important to her and she'll need some time to prioritise that.

    However, I think - way more important than the whole wedding thing - that it sounds as though you feel like there's some distance between you. That's something that is more important to try and deal with, not whether she is going to be your bm or not. If she's reluctant to open about it then I can understand that that is frustrating but maybe she finds it painful/hard to talk about but just needs someone there. Maybe just try and find a way to let her know that you're there for her and she might relax - if you can. Also it's important to remember than when people are going through a break-up etc then it can be really hard sometimes to listen to how amazing and wonderful someone else's life is - and weddings are an amazing time and you have every right to be happy and excited...it just might be worth not talking too much about that to her if she's suffering.

    Good luck!

  • I havent really mentioned the wedding at all, possibly twice over the last few months, because I don't want it to take over either! 

    She has been distant in general, not really hearing from her (I'm always making the effort) and not too talkative if I give her a text Etc. 

    I have said to her  that I am here is she wants to talk - and tried to encourage her to open up but I get nowhere. 

    Im just not sure how to improve things? 

    She is spending all her time with her work friends - nights out etc and I always ask her if she wanta to have a catch up or coffee, she never really mentions it first. 

    I just feel she's drifted away. 

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Could you just be honest with her? Explain that you're feeling like things have been a bit distance between you and is anything the matter. Maybe don't put it in too negative a way - just say that you'd noticed you guys haven't spent that much time together recently and how about a night at the pub/going to the cinema/dinner at a restaurant.

    It could be that something has happened or it could just be that her work friends are single and want to go out and that makes her feel better as she's going through a breakup. I had a friend who definitely distanced herself when I was in a relationship and she wasn't - but after a while (and once she had dealt with things) she was back to normal. Friendships do go up and down but if it's worrying you the it is worth asking her about it and seeing what she says. 

  • I have brought it up and she said she feels she is keeping everybody out but can't really help it, and doesn't know why. 

    image

  • If she's struggling in her personal life best advice I can think of is just to be a friend. Invite her out for a coffee, ring her more than you usually would etc. Relationship woes are hard enough especially when you're best mate is planning a wedding. Be kind and considerate and hopefully she will come out of her shell a bit enough to unload. She probably doesn't want to burden you with negatively while you're happy. 

    Also, I do think this is the best place to sound off and bounceideas about. You're doing the right thing as so many of have the same specific issues regarding wedding planning and things that come up. You obviously care about her and just want the best outcome possible. Ignore the negativity and concentrate on the positive hun. Xx

  • Thanks very much for the positive comments - I will keep trying with her. 

  • Definitely keep trying image  If she says she is shutting people out but doesn't know why it sounds like she could be depressed.  Going by your post, when she goes out with work colleagues it's mainly for nights out?  So I'm guessing she'll be drinking on all of these occasions?  Maybe it just helps her to forget what's going on in her life.  Her workmates might not know the full extent of her relationship troubles, or even that she is having any.

    I think for now you should stop trying to talk to her about both your wedding and her relationship.  There may come a time when she is ready to open up but if she's not ready now don't push her or you will just end up pushing her away.  Be there for her as a friend as much as you can.  Even if it's just sending a text saying "How's your day?" at least she'll know she still has you as you were obviously close before all of this happened.

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