Lap dances

My fiancé is organising his best friends stag do and he has been looking at going to Kraków - some of the activities include an airport transfer with a stripper and VIP entry into a Lap dancing club. This makes me think that this is something he would want for his stag do or his best friend will organise something similar for him. It makes me feel really uncomfortable thinking that my fiancé will get a lap dance. I don't mind him going to a strip club with his friends and him just looking but I'm not happy if he gets a lap dance where a girl is touching him, boobs in his face, grinding on his crotch. This is just unacceptable to me. I have spoken to him about it and he just says it's not his fault if his friend gets him a lap dance. I just find it disrespectful - what are your thoughts? Should I not care? 

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  • it wouldn't be right if you didn't care..........but remember he loves you image 

  • I think you have shown that you do care by questioning it... So from my point of view it turns into a question of how much do you care? For me it is a major no go but fortunately my hubby was not interested anyhow. So from an outsiders point of view it would now be a question of what is more important to your fiancé...... A strip dance off a strange woman paid for by his friends OR hurting/disrespecting his fiancé? For me if he chooses the lap dance that tells me he either cares too much about the lap dance or not enough about me. However if it is just a minor annoyance to you then as long as the boundaries are clear does it mean that much to bother bringing it up again? I know plenty of people are not bothered by it so I don't mean any offence to anyone... Just my opinion

  • SaxylydzSaxylydz Posts: 328

    Well said OfficiallyaMrs - Can't really add anymore - I'm very lucky as my H2B isn't into that sort of thing anyhow, but I think if he were, I were find it a bit unsettling

     

  • I'm of the same opinion as you Kat32, I think it's massively disrespectful. I had the same conversation with my H2B and basically told him it was a deal breaker for me as it's something I feel very strongly about. I know lots of women aren't bothered by it, but I am! I said to him that I wouldn't want to stop him from doing something he really wanted to do, but if that's the sort if thing he wants to do, then I wasn't sure he was the sort of man I wanted to be with.... That wasn't meant as an ultimatum, it's genuinely how I feel. 

    Luckily, he said he wasn't that bothered by it and would make it clear he wasn't up for that sort of thing. We also had the conversation with his brother (one of the best men) and I explained my feelings on it and he promised not to organise anything like that. I know some people might not agree with how I feel about it but I think if you're in a relationship then you shouldn't be doing anything to deliberately hurt the other person.

    If it really is a big problem for you, then it might be worth having the conversation with your H2B again and making sure he is fully aware of this. Are you close enough to any of his friends to talk to them about it too? 

    I guess it it really just depends on how much of an issue it is for you and how you would feel if it did happen?

  • Kat32Kat32 Posts: 6

    I will talk to him again because if I found out it had happened I would be angry. I don't really know his friends that well and I dont feel comfortable talking to them about it because they will probably think I'm being controlling

  • I feel the same I'd find it really disrespectful and I do think its a minor form of cheating. 

    I'm pretty insecure about my body as I have small boobs so knowing my h2b was having dances from women with perfect bodies would be devestating to me.

    I hope talking to him again will make him understand. Ask him how he'd feel if it was the other way round x

  • I know what you mean Kat32, but I really hate that whole 'being controlling' argument. 

    If your H2B said he didn't want you kissing other men, would that be seen as being controlling?! I know a lot of people aren't that bothered by strip clubs/lap dancing clubs, but if you are and you do see it as a form of betrayal then your H2B should respect that. 

    If you were saying you didn't want him to have a stag do at all, then that could be seen as unreasonable, but I don't think asking him not to do something that really upsets you is....

  • Kat32Kat32 Posts: 6

    When I have asked him why has he arranged a hummer with a stripper for the airport transfer and VIP entry into a lap dancing club for his bestfriends stag do, his response is its a stag do that's what happens and he thinks im just being silly and causing an argument over nothing

  • Kat - I completely see where your coming from and I too feel the same -

    however I have to point out that he is going to his friends stag before his own and will experience these things there too, as well as his stag. I know lots of men who have gone on friends stags and had a lap dance along side the groom. 

    Just wanted to to say maybe you should make yourself clear you do find it disrespectful and hurtful but this also applies to him participating in such things on any stag not just his own? 

    It is difficult though - especially when not on his own stag as chances are he won't leave/go home//stay outside a lap dance club aLine when all his friends have gone inside. 

    Me and my partner are yet to have the full blown convo but I too don't mind strip clubs but as soon as the touching starts that's when my issues start and it's also a deal breaker for me x

     

     

  • Yes, it is what happens on some stag dos, but not all! 

    Have you asked him how he would feel if it were the other way round? 

  • Kat32Kat32 Posts: 6

    Well I have spoken to him again and he just doesn't understand why I'm bothered. He said it's just fun for one night and I asked him how would he feel if I give a lap dance to someone and he said that's completely different. He's one of these guys that will just give into peer pressure 

  • My sisters had a friend who's H2B got taken to a strip bar in some Eastern European country and he absolutely hated it!  He was so upset he called his wife2B as soon as they got back and really fell out with the best man who had organised it.  (He almost uninvited him to the wedding.)  Apparently it wasn't even a proper strip club but basically a whore house.  

    What's to say your H2B won't have a similarly awful experience and stay away from the naked ladies for life? image

    For what it's worth, giving in to a bit of peer pressure doesn't mean he enjoys it or loves you any the less IYSWIM. 

    Apparently it's really not that sexy, or so my H2B tells me!  

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    Hi Kat32, do you know if in this case the stripper and lap dancing are what the stag really wants to have?  There are planty of things to do on a traditional stag do that don't involve strippers etc - could it be that your fiance is setting this up because he wants to and he is using this as a way to find out your feelings / get you used to the idea before he has his stag?

    Cakeybride has an excellent point, he will be up close with that stripper in the hummer (there's not that much space inside one) and he will have the opportunity to get a lap dance / couch dance if he wants to. 

    What does the VIP entry get you?  Is he willing to show you this?

    I'm intrigued as well that he feels it's OK and "just a bit of fun" but if you were to give a lap dance that would be different.  Would he really have an issue if you had lap dancing / burlesque sessions for your hen do?  Or if you had male strippers at a private party?

    I think both cakeybride and officialy a mrs have given good advice and I can't add to it, but it may be useful to you to look at the website for the club and see what is offered and be very clear to your fiance what is OK for you and what is not OK for you.  It's not about the "one night of fun" it's about the personal boundaries and I hope your fiance will either understand or abide by your request because otherwise it will upset you.

    I hope it works out for you both.

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Hi Kat32, you have every right to feel uncomfortable about this and your fiance has no right to try and make you feel that you're overreacting! You are BOTH part of this relationship and you have to set the boundaries together - if he is doing something that you feel very uncomfortable about then you have to work together as a couple to find a solution. It also doesn't really matter what other women (or men!) think about this; if it's upsetting to you then that's what matters.

    I've already had this convo with my fiance - he knows that I'm totally not okay with lap dances etc. Part of this is more because I think it's really degrading to women to have a bunch of men objectifying one woman like that, it makes me feel really uncomortable for my partner to be part of that as he isn't that kind of man. He totally understands how I feel and has even sent an email to his best man asking him to please not arrange anything which is degrading or derogatory to women! Obviously I have also agreed to the same thing.image

    Basically I don't think you should ask others if they are/aren't okay with things - all that matters is how YOU feel about it. Best of luck!

  • hf1989hf1989 Posts: 416

    I hate the idea of my h2b doing anything like this and I'm so glad to see that other women have the same stance. He's been to strip clubs for other people's stag do's and he's said that he hates them and tends to just sit at the bar. Obviously I don't expect him to wait outside, but as this is his stag do, his friends should do what he wants to do.

    SoontobeMrsSmith - I have exactly the same view as you. If I found out that he went to something like this, I may reconsider marrying him at all. I just view it as seedy and derogatory and that isn't the kind of man I want to be with.

    I don't see how it's any different to me giving a stranger a lap dance, which I wouldn't do. The whole idea of stag do's and visiting these European countries where there is more of an industry for this sort of thing has become ridiculous. What's wrong with a few drinks with your friends? 

  • Kat32Kat32 Posts: 6

    Anna - he hasn't told the stag what he has planned. I asked him do you think he would want that and he said he didn't see why not. We haven't spoke since last night, he said he isn't speaking to me because I've annoyed him. He says he won't have a lap dance, it will be just a few drinks with the lads and havng a perv on the girls. They will pay for a lap dance for the stag.

  • I have a similar issue & it is reassuring to hear that lots of us seem to be in the same boat! My H2B has always been one for going along with what everyone else wants & would never want to say no to something like that- partly I think because he doesn't want people taking the mick and partly to be completely honest because he probably enjoys it! I hate the thought of it, I can get my head round him being in a strip club if it's for stag do etc. but hate the thought of him having a private dance. We'd always got round it before because he said the majority of them don't have one they just sit & drink and watch the girls dancing & it's just the stag who has a private dance...well now he is the stag?! He doesn't understand at all why I get so upset and just gets really dramatic saying okay I'll just tell the boys I'm not allowed to do anything I have to just stay in the hotel while they all go out. Or he plays the whole 'controlling' card. I don't think it is controlling at all I think they should respect that we don't like it but we've never been able to see eye to eye on it or come to any kind of compromise image from the few plans I have heard about his stag do it is going to almost entirely revolve around naked/semi naked women which makes me pretty upset but at the end of the day what can I do?! It's a really hard one & I know I've not really offered any advice but at least we all know there are lots of us in the same position. Maybe it is just that blokes think differently to us & that's why we can't understand their reaction? I don't know...

  • Kat32 wrote (see)

    Well I have spoken to him again and he just doesn't understand why I'm bothered. He said it's just fun for one night and I asked him how would he feel if I give a lap dance to someone and he said that's completely different. He's one of these guys that will just give into peer pressure 

    How is it completely different?! Men are so ridiculous sometimes!

     

  • Kat32 wrote (see)

    Well I have spoken to him again and he just doesn't understand why I'm bothered. He said it's just fun for one night and I asked him how would he feel if I give a lap dance to someone and he said that's completely different. He's one of these guys that will just give into peer pressure 

    If he thinks this is "completely different", how about trying another way to make him see how you feel. How would he feel if on your hen night your girls got you a male stripper for you to perve at/ touch? (basically replacing your guy with another male to ogle for 'just one night'!- which he seems to think is fine for him to do...

    I'm of the same opinion as you, for me it's disrespectful. Luckily my OH is not into this kind of thing, and it was actually him who hit the roof when he thought male strippers could possibly be present at my hen do (my friends do this kind of stuff for birthdays etc). So I will explain to my friends, when the time comes, that strippers are off the table, because I care about my OH's feelings. I'm pretty sure there wouldn't even be a wedding to go to if I allowed strippers there. So I'm inclined to say screw the fear of looking controlling. I'd go and tell him exactly how far this goes for you and I would even tell his friends what you would be unwilling to accept. You've got a lot of other girls here to prove it's not just you. Maybe then he'll see how disrespectful it is?!

  • To my mind he doesn't have to understand why you don't like it... There may or may not be a reasonable explanation behind it. But the fact that it would upset or hurt you should be enough for him not to want to do it. If it is "just a bit of fun" then surely it is not important enough to hurt the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with over? He doesn't have to 'get it' he just has to respect you. As a couple you probably will not always agree on everything... but the fact that it matters to your other half should be enough reason not to deliberately do something which would upset them just for fun 

  • Sorry you're having problems with regard to stags. As a veteran of many stags, I would say that most end up a bit of a damp squib, especially where lap dancers are concerned.

    Lap dance bars are about as sexy as a trip to the dentists. What you have to remember is that these girls are getting paid to pretend to fancy the lads. It's just an act. If your h2b ends up getting a dance (and remember you may never find out) then the same girl will be giving the exact same performance to some other bloke five minutes later. She won't see or care about your fella ever again. It's a business based on men's fragile egos - no wonder there's so many clubs !
    Hope you sort it out but once he's on the plane you won't be able to do a thing about it.
    On the other hand, if he's sulking because you have concerns about the degradation and exploitation of women in old Eastern bloc countries who are performing these dances out of economic necessity, then I have to say he's being rather immature.

     

  • When me and hubby were organising our hen/ stag do I thought to my self if thats what they plan or wanna do I will try not get jealous/ or go on too much as he knows I don't really like that type of thing, but it's only one night,  like others said they're not really into that so they just enjoyed a boys day drinking, and horse racing, I hope every thing works out for you, try not to get to upset x

    tomsarah from a man's point off view would you respect your wife and not plan this type of stag do, or would go along with the lads, or would the mrs understand it pressure from the lads to do these type of stag do 

  • Kat32Kat32 Posts: 6

    We spoke last night and he said that he doesn't want a lap dance and won't be getting one. They will probably just get the stag one. He also said he will tell his friends that he doesn't want a lap dance for his stag do. I guess I just have to trust him that he won't get one now 

  • Mrs T I would no more go to a lap dancing bar than fly in the air and if I did Sarah would forever call me a dirty old perv

      I'm glad he's promised not to go to a lap dancing club but try and keep it in proportion. The vodka and beer in Krakow is so cheap he probably won't be able to see never mind do anything!
  • hf1989hf1989 Posts: 416

    TomandSarah 2014, it's nice to hear from a man who wasn't interested in this. And dirty old perv just about sums it up. Interesting to hear your view on the girls though. I think that most women know that for the women it's just an act that they're being paid for. Nobody can be annoyed at the women - it's their partners for wanting this, surely. 

  • hf1989

    Of course the responsibility for this sordid industry lies at the feet of the men who organise these businesses and also the men who pay good money to watch and oggle. I am sure many b2b on here scratch their heads at the tomfoolery of it all and wonder why men would want to indulge in such weird, almost desperate behaviour.

     obviously not all men want to do any of this, but a large minority do.  I think it is a self esteem / confidence issue that is too deep seated to be easily teased out. Arguing with them certainly wont help. As we discovered earlier in this thread the h2b in question just sulked.  

    A lot of young (and older) men refuse to grow up and quite often prefer the tight knit camaraderie of their mates. So, If you are marrying one of those types, I  suggest employing some good old fashioned feminine guile !

  • hf1989hf1989 Posts: 416

    Fortunately I'm not marrying one of those types - like you, he said that strip clubs etc are the least sexy places on earth and has never liked them in the past.

    I find that a lot of men probably do this because they want to appear 'game' to their friends. Certain traditions have just become outdated and wrong - especially when they upset your partner. For my "hen do", I'll be having all of my male friends there, and not even for my viewing pleasure!

  • I know it bothers you but you really shouldn't let it. My fiancé went in a strip club on a stag do and it did make me feel a bit sick when he told me one of the girls sat on his knee! That feeling lasted about 5 minutes! If you were in a bar and a really hot male stripper started dancing round you, would you run off and marry him or laugh it off and get on with your life?

    I would be questioning the blokes who say its not their bag, at least he's honest with you image

     

    xxx

  • There has been some amazing Responses here and I agree completely that this is real personal thing..  every relationship hasits own boundaries and the fact you have said you are not happy with it In my eyes he should respect that.

    I used to get so cross with my OH and shout off about him going to a stripclub on his stag do and he kept saying over and over again that he wasnt interested and wouldnt but I just didnt believe him. Now I have been with him a while longer I do trust he wont... but I have said I would be extremely hurt if he did.... its not about whether the girls like him or not .... its the fact that he would pay to perv on other women as if I am not enough for him... I find the whole thing degrading... and like many of the posts here if he was this type of person he certainly would not be the person for me.

    The thing that makes it hard is it socially acceptable for men to do these things on stag do’s (and women as well!) so its hard to get people to understand without being told its just a bit of fun.... I always tell my OH dont use your stag do as an excuse if you want to oggle at other women man up and pull one on a night out and get her to dance for you... dont dress up the face you are getting a sexual dance from a strange women as something thats normal !!

    I think you can only explain how you feel to him and if that doesnt work you have to decide how far you are willing to take it and if his attitude towards it is something you can live with or not.

  • MascaraMascara Posts: 114

    Quote from an ex lap dancer, and why I don't care about being seen as a "killjoy" by objecting to it -

     

    "The clubs maintain a veneer of no touching, but touching is more standard than not," she continues. "If I had a boyfriend now and he said he was going to a lap-dancing club, I would consider it to be infidelity. The fact is that if you break the rules, you make more money. If one dancer starts breaking the rules then the pressure is on others to do the same. Otherwise a bloke would think, Well, that dancer charged me £20 and stayed three feet away, but that one charged me just the same and she put her breasts in my mouth and sat on my crotch. Once you've been there a while, you learn that certain things are profitable, and no contact is the first rule you learn to break"

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