So upset! Am I in the wrong? HELP

I need everyone's advice as I'm sooo stressed out right now!

i have two bridesmaids. My friend and my sister in law.

my sister in law had her hair trial (I choose the style) she protested but ended up liking the style. Then my other bridesmaid had her hair trial and she's got a graduated bob so the hairdresser tried her best but just couldn't do the same style so she said we could go for a messy bun/updo with curls pinned at the back it ended up looking lovely but was similar to mine so I decided that my sister in law would have the same messy bun hairstyle and I would go for something different.

i messaged my sister inlaw and said that I was going to have to change the style slightly and sent her the photos etc. this resulted in her going up the wall saying she didn't want her hair like that and that it wouldn't suit her. I've explained to her that I want them to be the same so it's important to me that they have the same style.

ive had her mum on the phone having a go. She's turned very nasty over it all saying she's not having that style so take it or leave it. I've been so upset about her behaviour so my other half texted his sister saying that she was upsetting me and why was she making such a big drama over it? She texted him back 'F*** Off' then followed that up with a text to tell him to tell me she isn't coming to my hen.

ive offered to pay for another trial for her her to see the new style and she texted me back refusing to have a trial with a hair style she doesn't like.

its all up in the air and it's made me so upset, I don't know if I'm the one who is being out of order or if she is making drama over nothing

Please scroll further down comments to see pics of how simular the styles are.

shes 37 years old buy the way.

please can I have your opinions as it would really help me


  • MrsWPtobeMrsWPtobe Posts: 435

    I don't think you're being out of order based on your post. She sounds like an over opinionated, entitled child-woman! Getting her mum involved, really? Ridiculous behaviour. Id be if the opinion to say "fine, I'll leave it thanks" and genuinely leave it at that. If she doesn't come to your hen, it doesn't sound like you'd be missing out on her sparkling personality and wonderful attitude! 

    You do have to ask yourself though. What will this do down the line? Is she someone you regularly have to interact with? Is it going to cause further issues? Especially between you and your h2b? Possibly attempt a compromise with the hair, if she's still being combative and difficult then you're well within your rights to say officially that you tried but you don't wish her to be your bridesmaid. If your future MIL is going to side with her on this then you might want to make sure you have all your ducks in a row as its only going to cause problems.

    In short, yes she's over reacting like a spoilt child but you have to be sure before you go forward of whether you're prepared for the fall out if you make an issue out of it and stand your ground with the hairstyle. 


  • hi busymum i see both sides of the situation when I got married i just let my bridesmaid choose there own hair style on the day things like that will not be important, I know you want everything perfect but it won't matter on the day, i don't think your  sil needed to react so unkind hopefully you can come to a compromise, but me personnelly I would just let her choose her own hair style have a lovely wedding xx

  • Mrs K!!Mrs K!! Posts: 664

    I think it's completely down to you how you would like your bridesmaids dressed and styled especially if you are paying too.

    family members seem to think that they can stamp their feet and get their own way on others wedding days and I think it's a joke.

    some brides like everything just so and some brides are more relaxed (I'm the first)!! And I have been bridesmaid to both types of brides too.  It's a respect and love thing and when chosen to be a bridesmaid you should be so flattered and pleased and just be about making your bride happy whether it be wearing the most hideous dress, silly hair or walking down the isle with an ugly groomsman.

    hate this selfish nature that seems to come out at weddings.  Madness!!!

    so i would get her to have the hair u want and stand your ground!!xx

  • image

     This is the extent of the two different styles...the bottom two

    is what we had originally and the top two are what we are

    Changing too. I don't really think there is much difference.

  • MrsWPtobeMrsWPtobe Posts: 435

    Oh jeez! There's really not a massive difference (both are gorgeous!) Honestly, I'd probably just say "have it your way" and then just don't involve her in any future decisions (or rather, give her any options!) 

    If she continues to be a Muppet about future things re your wedding, don't hesitate to drop her like a hot potato. I don't know (from personal experience in my family) if its worth throwing up the gauntlet if its going to cause you problems (especially with a pandering MIL and potentially vindictive SIL) over it. Genuinely depends on whether you're prepared to stand your ground hun xx

  • Hi busymum both hairstyles are lovely, think I actually prefer, the top style,xx



  • sooz84sooz84 Posts: 378

    That's crazy, saying it wouldn't suit her is a load of crap, from the front they would look the same so she's talking out of her backside. 

    I feel really sorry for you, you really don't need this confrontation and at the end of the day, it's only hair. If you still want her as bridesmaid, let her keep the original style and then just tell her no one will be looking at her anyway image

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    Hah, I actually prefer the top style but I honestly don't think it will make ANY difference on the day so if she's kicking up such a fuss maybe just let her go with the bottom one - they're still very similar so won't look out of place. It's annoying but you probably have a million things to worry about so it might be better to forget about this issue for your own sake!

  • HdelHdel Posts: 132

    I agree with the advice so far. If it was me I'd tell her she's acting like a spoilt brat, needs to grow up and she can take the whole bridesmaid thing or leave it. But that's just me as I really am not a panderer when it comes to these things, family or not! But I would talk it over with h2b and ensure he was on board and ready to support and follow through with the decision first.

    But that's what I would do, not what I'm advising you to do as - like the other ladies say - it depends on whether this will cause you more of a headache and if you're prepared for that. In my opinion it's not about hair any more it's about her attitude towards her brother's wedding and her willingness to spoil it for everyone over something so small (there's really hardly any difference in styles!) you really want someone like that at your side when you get married? Best to talk it through with your h2b and decide a plan!

    Incidentally I'm letting my bms choose their hairstyles as like sooz84 says, no one will be looking at their hair that close anyway image but if you want yours to look the same you don't have to justify that and if mine acted the way your sil has they'd be given the boot in a flash..anyway hope you get it sorted one way or another.

    Good luck! x 

  • Now_MrsMNow_MrsM Posts: 395

    i'm afraid i would be quite harsh on this one as her behviour is pretty unnecessary and rude! i think i'd tell her that unless she changes her attitude her job as bridesmaid will be revoked....its your day and you should have what you want, i really can't see her problem the styles are almost identical....

    i have 2 flowergirls, both of whom are quite opinionated on what they like and don't like even though they are 8 and 10, but they both appreciate its my day and have said that they will wear whatever i want them too...i even overheard them talking to eachother saying so...can't believe your bridesmaid (who's an adult???) would knowingly cause you this much stress!


  • Michelle09Michelle09 Posts: 141

    Is it normal for the bride to choose the hairstyle? Her attitude is clearly wrong but maybe she feels she's been messed about?  If she's already agreed to have a trial for a style she didn't like and is now being asked to try another one. 

    I guess the main thing is do you still want her to be a bridesmaid?  Or maybe give it a couple of days to see if either of you comes round to the other's way of thinking? 

  • Jomc11Jomc11 Posts: 484

    I can see both sides as well, & to be totally honest the top pic is too high for my liking & if i had my hair like that I would be uncomfortable  & worrying about it as I dont suit my hair that high, i never have & it would totally knock my confidence having to wear it how I wasnt comfortable.

    But the way in which she has behaved & went round this has to be questioned, very very disrespectful & rude so that needs addressing, maybe try meet her or get your h2b to meet her.


  • What is about weddings that makes people think they can behave like complete byotches???

    I have been a bridesmaid 4 times and never once have I had a hair trial - I just willingly went along with what my friends asked of me - I would have loved a hairstyle like the ones above - beautiful!

    And as for your MIL - how DARE she!

    No... unacceptable.  I don't think you should back down but equally, you should kill it with kindness, retaining your own dignity whilst she throws her teddy out the pram.


  • ClareMUAClareMUA Posts: 4


    I'm a hair and makeup artist Busymum2013 based in Cheshire.

    I have brides that choose the look for the bridesmaids and others that don't care - each to their own, if we were all the same then weddings would get very dull… This day is all about you and your hubby to be, everyone is there as your guest and in reality you are paying for them to share your day.

    Let her blow some steam and pay no attention, you need to enjoy your planning and not look back on this as a memory!

    For your sister in law it will look exactly the same at the front so will not affect the overall look to her in a mirror. Any height on the top, bun placement can be adapted so its a little lower in height on the bun level is higher or lover, still this won't look hugely different… She's had a complete over reaction, its merely more detailed at the back. The fact that you have changed your style to accommodate your bridesmaids is very thoughtful.

    Personally, i'd thank her for coming to the trial, inform her you' d love to see her at the wedding but not as a bridesmaid.

    What you don't need is a similar reaction on your wedding morning. 



  • Thank you for all of your comments and advice.the hairstyle that we changed to is the hairstyle she arged with me to have in the first place. I can't post pics on here from my ipad but the hairstyles are both updo sand very similar. I Gave her the choice of the bridesmaids dresses. My friend who is the bridesmaid has just been so laid back from the beginning. My SIL has been a nightmare about a lot of things since planning this wedding. If she had come up to me and said aw can we come to some compromise we could have chatted about it however I am disgusted in her attitude and behaviour and I can be stubborn! She's had the choice of BM dresses for both, hair accessories for both, shoes for both, flowers for both. I can't really see the harm in me having a choice in their hair. 

    yes they are family and I don't want to argue but I do feel as though I've been walked all over during this planning period and it's because I'm standing my ground that they don't like it.

  • Hi Busy Mum

    I can see both sides too.  I am a relaxed bride and wouldn't dictate my bridesmaids' hairstyles, I would want them to have something they felt comfortable with.  I do however think her reaction is over the top and unnecessary.  Like one of the girls said, would people really notice the difference in hairstyles between the two BMs on the day?  Probably not. However from your perspective I guess that is not the point.

    Best of luck and all the best. xx

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