Problems with father of the bride

Hi I am looking for advice i feel i am at my wits end with my own dad. To the point my fiance and him had a bit of an intense discussion yesterday. I feel i am on an emotional rollercoaster.

Since the engagement we havnt had his full backing no congratulations card and his non attendance at a little gathering we had. I suppose the background doesnt help my mum and dad divorced as mum had an affair with the man who is now my step dad. I get this is uncomfortable for my dad but it isnt fresh.. 12 years ago.

His whole attitude is really difficult. He says he is happy for us getting married but why at such a cost. It is expensive we chosen a stunning venue which we decided on as we are having help for my fiances parents who want to help and pay. Its very generous of them and i do feel guilty we are doing it this way constantly having to be reassured by them its fine. My dad doesnt like how we are happy to take it and it is a pride thing he can not match or contribute and we ate nit asking him to.

He got to the point he doesnt like the venue its too" flash" "who do i think i am some kind of celebrity" "valley people dont do it like this"

This was all very hurtful i get his point but it is not just my day and my partners family want to help.

I am just really stuck we have left it there he is not contributing but says he wants to give for the honeymoon...we didnt ask for this. His issue is with the day spending alot of money on one day. 

I am really anxious i dont know if i even want to see him on the morning i dont want to get upset like i have been for the last year. Will he even behave on the day be happy and embrace it

 

I really just dont know what else to do..

Please any help

X

Posts

  • JulyBugJulyBug Posts: 420

    That sounds really difficult - I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on for your Dad which is making him act this way...but it's not fair on you.

    What I would do is sit him down and explain a few things - set some ground rules about what he should/shouldn't be doing. Firstly - it's FINE if he doesn't totally agree with your plans - everyone is different! What is not okay is if he keeps bringing it up. He's said what he thinks and now you know; but from here on out, he needs to accept it and support you. I think that, generally, what you need to say to him is that this is your guys' big day and you really want him to be a help and support to you not make things more difficult. He is your Dad and I'm sure he doesn't actively want you to be unhappy, and I wonder if he realises just how much he's affecting you with all his talk. If you spell it out to him, hopefully he'll really get the message and start being there for you.

    I wouldn't worry too much about the actual day at this stage, just focus on helping your Dad to understand that you do need him and his support is important to you - and hopefully he'll get it and sort out his issues. Good luck! x

  • Now_MrsMNow_MrsM Posts: 395

    i had this with my first wedding and ended up with a wedding, when looking back, wasn't at all what i wanted, my dad at one point during early discussions ran out of my house crying because i was selfish in not wanted a specific type of car, cake, photographer, dress etc????

    this time round, whilst my dad and i no longer speak so he has nothing to do with the wedding i am doing everything my way, exactly how i want it - no discussion, no compromise, its my wedding and i will have what i want because this time round i am actually NOT doing it again and i don't want to feel the regret i felt last time.

    i am afraid that i think it is incredibly selfish of your dad to be acting this way, whilst he may not agree with everything and it may not be to his taste etc, you are his daughter and that alone demands a little respect/tact for the whole situation and surely he would want you to be happy on what will be the biggest day of your life?

    I also think that maybe a little of it may be to do with his own feelings of not being able to match what your in laws are doing with contribution and his pride is a little bruised, but again that it is problem to deal with, you shouldn't have to burden that as well.

    i do hope you manage to sort it all out

     

  • Nat 1479Nat 1479 Posts: 145

    I think you just need to set some ground rules. 

    Maybe if you put things down in black and white, this way, you can think about what you say, very carefully, sometimes face to face discussions can escalate and things can get a wee bit out of control.

    we had similar issues with FMIL And this is how we sealt with it. Although mine and hers relationship is not as close as it could be in an ideal world, there is a truce and with less than two weeks to go before our wedding, there is a truce ! 

    your dad, in my opinion, is being a bit of a spoilt brat, he needs to understands that this is your day. Whatever happened between him and your mum can still be painful for him, but that's between them, I'm sure it was a tough time for you too. Hope this helps. Good luck. X

  • Naomi29Naomi29 Posts: 54

    I wonder if this is an older gentleman type attitude because my fiance's dad is exactly the same. We have not discussed our finances with him and we have not told him how much we are spending but whenever we mention certain things I.e. the honeymoon his immediate reaction is to say "make sure it's not too expensive." It's condescending and patronising and I know exactly how you feel because he has only recently offered to "help" us even thought we never asked for money. I have been trying to keep our conversations about the wedding to a minimum with him because, quite frankly, our finances are none of his business. If your father doesn't like it then you have to patiently tell him it is nothing to do with him and it's your choice. I would limit my conversations with him on the subject if he only upsets you. Just be vague and say "oh it's all going to plan" if he asks for an update. He doesn't need to be involved if he's making you feel bad and this is sad in one way but in another it will save you a lot of heartache.

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    OK so he's embarassed that the in-laws are paying and not FOB. He's probably worried people will find out.

    A possible solution is you have a less flashy wedding and pay for it yourselves

  • Katie134Katie134 Posts: 2

    Thank you everyone. I will break the ice with him and from now limit what i say.

    We have booked the venue and everything is going ahead the wedding is not flashy but the costs are adding up as does every average wedding im hoping he will come round i have over a year for him to anyway we getting married July next year.

    I just felt at the end of my teather and if anyone else experienced this.

    Thanks 

    Good luck with all of your weddings x

  • Naomi29Naomi29 Posts: 54

    Don't worry about it! He sounds very similar to my father in law to be; single, a little older and generally a bit clueless with things like this! I get the impression my father in law has no idea what the cost of a wedding is these days, but we aren't idiots and although our budget is high we are sticking to it!

  • L56YAYWL56YAYW Posts: 46

    I bet he'll proud as punch when he comes to pick you up and walk you down the aisle.

    Don't forget, WW2 hadn't really been over very long by the time your Dad was born, his parent would still be fairly used to rationing etc and it would have been drummed into him too. I have vivid memories of my Grandparent's and how they had become so used to rationing, they still lived as though it was commonplace, even 20 years ago. Luckily for our generation, money for some people isn't as tight as it was back then. He probably just can't get his head around all that money being spent on, what essentially, is a big fancy party.

    But remember, on the day he'll be chuffed to bits to be taking his beautiful little girl down the aisle to be married. He may also feel a bit out of control, where did the time go, how are you so grown up etc.

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