Hen Do - more hassle than it's worth

I wasn't really fussed about a hen do, it's just something people do, isn't it? I just wanted dinner with friends and the Mums. I didn't want anything boozy, or over the top, or expensive, or nights away. The whole thing was worrying my fiancé, what if his mum didn't enjoy herself, what if she had no one to talk to, what if nobody liked her etc. There are only 7 of us, 8 including me. All his worrying made me feel like I was causing a problem for everyone (I have this awful fear of putting people out, to the point where I didn't want to celebrate my birthday, for fear of inconveniencing people) and very nearly cancelled the whole thing. My mum and a friend reassured me that it's just one evening, round a friend's house, and that all was good.

He is still worrying that his mum won't like anyone, that no one will like her, that no one will talk to her, that she won't enjoy herself. Oh and I didn't invite his brother's girlfriends, not because we don't get on, she's a very lovely girl, but we are not remotely close, and when accidently left alone at a table we struggle with small talk. I didn't even realise she would want to come. He has found out I didn't ask her, so he invited her (!). She said she wouldn't go as she feels like an afterthought.

I'm making him sound very controlling, but he's absolutely not. He's just worrying about everyone else, he's just trying to put out potential fires before they happen. He had good intentions, but this has just made it all worse. It led to an argument last night, 2nd one in 4 years. We're all patched up now but now I desperately don't want this hen do. It's just caused problem after problem, and I especially don't want it causing tension between us. It's not for another 3 weeks, I have three weeks of stressing about it, I just want it over with. I don't want people being upset because of me, I just wanted to be his wife.

I feel like it's consuming me and I've still got 3 weeks to get this night over with, it's 7 weeks to the wedding. All this other stuff is nawing at me and putting me off doing the exciting wedding stuff, as I'm worried I'm going to taint the good stuff with all this negative stuff.


  • Michelle09Michelle09 Posts: 141

    I'm sorry. image Without knowing your fiance I would tell him to keep out of it- he clearly hasn't helped. It's your night and you should be in charge of it. 

    Is there any particular reason why his Mum can't make small talk over dinner with your Mum and friends?  

  • L56YAYWL56YAYW Posts: 46

    She can - she used to love a bit of a drama, but she has been so positive about everything wedding related. I think he's just expecting her to do what she used to do, apparently she thinks my friends don't like her, as they don't talk to her, but they're never in a proximity where they could be talking! Again, I don't think he's trying to control anything, that's so not him, I think he's just paranoid that something is going to go wrong and he's trying to fix it even though it's all good.

    But as much as I tell myself this, I'm still aware that this time, for real, I have caused people a problem. It's not paranoia or fear of troubling people, this is all because I'm having a hen do. I don't think I'm looking for problem solving, I just need to vent this somewhere; I don't really know who I would talk to about this without offending yet someone else.

  • Michelle09Michelle09 Posts: 141

    I'm so sorry you feel this way. It doesn't sound like your being unreasonable. I'm sure your fiance has the best of intentions but maybe it's better for you to deal with it. 

    Nothing in what you've written implies you've done anything to hurt anyone. So I hope you can stop beating yourself up about it and enjoy the night. 

  • EllieTeaEllieTea Posts: 25

    I found with my Hen do that it was a nice chance for people to get to know each other a little more before the wedding. Come the big day your mother in law will have to speak to all of your friends and family - it's always much easier to do if you know them a little more.

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Maybe speak to your own Mum? She is probably expecting to be doing a lot of the looking after of your MIL2B and might make you feel a bit better about the whole thing. Or are there any other female relatives on your H2B side that you could invite along or could your MIL2B bring a friend/sister? xx

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