Mother of the Groom wants to sleep over!

I need some serious advice. My future husband's mother lives in another country and will be traveling for the wedding. She is arriving a 4 days in advance and pretty much assumed that she could stay with us (we have a small 2 bedroom apartment with a double bed in the spare room). We said it was okay for the first two nights, but that on the Friday night before the wedding and on the Saturday night, she would need to make alternative arrangements. She accepted this suggested for the Saturday night of the wedding, but absolutely went ballistic about staying in a hotel on the Friday night. 

The night before the wedding (the Friday night) I am going to stay at my childhood home with my bridesmaids and my FH planned on having his 2 groomsmen (we have a small wedding party) stay over at our place. If is mother is there, this cannot happen. The men all wanted to get ready together but that's pretty much not possible if my future mother-in-law has taken over our spare room. On top of this, my brother is one of the groomsman and he's coming from out of town too - so should we make him find alternative arrangements and choose the mother over the brother?

I'm totally at a loss for what to do. I'm not sure what tradition is and I'm not sure who is expected to stay where. On top of everything else, my parents are paying for the ENTIRE wedding and we've received no offer of assistance from my FH's family. When my FH asked his mother to stay in a hotel on Friday night, she exploded in a rash text message about abandoning his family and choosing my family over hers (he's lived in my country for 8 years and we've only been dating for 5, so she can't really blame me for that one). 



  • Miaow8690Miaow8690 Posts: 298

    It sounds like she is just a bit scared about "losing" her son to his new wife. you mentioned that she hasn't paid for any of the wedding but she has flown in from overseas which is quite a big effort, so she may be worried about cost etc. in addition, if she isn't a regular traveller and particularly if there is a language barrier she may be a little worried about staying on a hotel.

    Can you make it out to be a treat for her to stay in a hotel? Perhaps find room in the budget to pay for it for her? Alternatively if that is too much of a stretch, you could always make sure you tell her your FH will be taking her out/having a special dinner at home with her on either the Wednesday or Thursday night to try and make her feel special and like she is not going to lose her son.

    in addition, is there anyone else staying at a local hotel that you could introduce her to? Perhaps a friend of yours that you could detail to look after her? Hopefully this might lessen any worry about of staying in a hotel. 

    I know at the moment it feels like she is just making extra stress for you, but if you understand where she is coming from you might be able to removeher objections   and have the "night before" that you wanted.

    i hope that helps! Good luck!

    P.s I am sorry about the grammar I can't get used to this new phone!

  • Thanks for the advice! So she is from an English speaking country (Barbados) and we are in Canada. She has plenty of family coming up for the wedding (including her sister) but still insists on staying with us. We have already offered to pay for the hotel, but she replied to that with a statement about how she was clearly a burden and not welcome! She's traveled to Canada many times to visit some family she has here and we have always bent over backwards to please and accommodate her, but still time we just feel it's asking a bit too much when we already have a lot on our plates...

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    Is she worried about the money? Could you offer to pay?

  • RubyCat wrote (see post):

    Is she worried about the money? Could you offer to pay?

    We already have. It didn't seem to make a difference to her. 

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  • I think you are being very fair but ultimately this us one battle your H2B should fight, you are there to support him, but he should be talking to his Mum and sorting this out, don't let it make you out to be the baddie when it's his Mum and a joint decision

  • let blood deal with blood!

    im staying at my mum and dads with my 3 bridesmaids aunties uncles (my auntie and uncel are flying in from australia and we all wanted to be together)

    H2B - is getting ready at our 2 bed apartment ! with is 3 goomsmen

    no parents or older guests are with H2B its wha the wanted

    his family have never really be accepting of me as i (took there son away!) - so h2b said you all need to find somewhere to stay

    my family are paying too and his family surgested my family pay for a hotel or b&b for them all!

    a few choice words were said by h2b to his family and said come or dont come he wasnt bothered they have caused so many arguments and he didnt want them dripping poison on the day!

    good luck stand your ground hunny let your hubby do what he wanted and let her pop along somewhere else !
  • I think Kitten's approach is very firm and fair and definitely the line I would take. I do understand why you would be concerned about it and wouldn't just let your FH deal with it without your input - I wouldn't leave something this delicate in the hands of my OH as he always manages to put his foot in it without meaning to! Plus, it sounds like something you need to face as a couple rather than fob off on the other one!

    Give Kitten's idea a go - she won't have a leg to stand on and even if she does continue to make a fuss you will be clear in your own mind that you are in the right and that is a big help. Plus, other guests will be able to see that you are being reasonable and she is being ridiculous and with any luck will give her a reaction that means she will gradually quieten down about it. If she is complaining to other family members and constantly getting the reply "Well Allison did do such-and-such to help you" she may eventually stop complaining.

    Let us know how it works out!

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