Struggles with Bridesmaid...

I really need some advice on how to deal with an bit of an issue I am having with one of my bridesmaids. She has been a friend for a long time, and although we don't really see each other often, we got on like sisters...until I got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid. At first she was really pleased for me, but now I'm not sure.

I arranged lunch for the bridesmaids to meet, and she turned up 30 mins late, because she was with another friend.

Since then she has turned her nose up at the dresses, moaning at all suggestions. We agreed on one and I spent a week online trying to find a cheap version, and got it for half the budget she gave me (no help from her on the bargain hunting!). Still moaned it was a lot of money (I paid p&p from china to keep her happy, which was £80) and hasn't even tried it on, despite invitations to come over and I've had it for 3 months now, so it best fit!

The shoes another bridesmaid found look too uncomfortable, based on a photo I sent her (they're 3 inch heels, and I have already said they only have to be worn for ceremony and photos) 

She wants to wear dark make up (not appropriate for a summer wedding) and has told me she will wear it in the evening anyway, despite what I say.

I booked the hen do flights today, and told everyone in June I was thinking of spain, and we would need to book the flights in sept when they were released, she has kicked off saying I haven't given her enough time. She keeps telling me she is doing me a favour by coming...?!

I ddon't know what to do...she gets very defensive when I try to talk to her about it, and projects it back on to me, and I then feel more stressed and it's really getting to me. She hasn't offered any help, and seems completely disinterested. 

Any suggestions on how to approach? 

Posts

  • Can your other bridesmaids help? Maybe if they spoke to her she would see what she's doing.

    If they're not close to do that, how about any other mutual friends? If someone engaged her in conversation about the wedding and she moans then they can point out how this might not be the best thing for you to be dealing with.

    it sounds like jealousy to me to be honest. Ultimately you need to decide if it's worth losing a friend over. If it is, then confront her. If not, you might just end up having to put up with it. 

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    You have to pay for the bm dresses. They don't pay for their own!

  • Not necessarily RubyCat, there's no rules which say that! It's up to each individual couple and their bridal party. 

  • MrsMannionMrsMannion Posts: 1,330 New bride

    Ya my bridesmaids are paying for there due to there choice they said as a gift for me which has helped and il let them have a bit of a choice x

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    it is completely up to the bride who pays for what in my opinion! 

    i'm sorry to hear about your issues. she does sound like a bit of a nightmare. you haven't mentioned when your wedding is? are you able to put up with this until (and on) your big day? 

    i appreciate it's hard to put a friendship on the line, but she is not being a good friend to you at the moment. personally, i think you are better off without her being a bridesmaid as she clearly doesn't appreciate the privilege, but i know dealing with that is easier said than done.

    i think you need to take a hard approach with her now, but put it on her to decide rather than you. however you set the scene for this chat, mention that she seems stressed and unhappy with your choices and plans - ask her if she really wants to be a bridesmaid. if she says yes, then turn the tables and explain how you're feeling: it is not difficult to grin and bear a dress and shoes for a few hours (i really wouldn't worry about the make up - let her look ridiculous in the evening -  i don't think you will care that much at the time!). if she can't like it and lump it, demote her. you can't have her negative energy around you on your wedding day. a good friend will put the bride first regardless of their personal feelings. 

    as for the hen do, i would ignore her - don't let her stress you out over that, especially when you aren't having problems with anyone else. focus on them and having a good time! she may drop the act if you don't pander to her. you have been completely reasonable in everything you have done. 

    hope you get it sorted x

  • first off i'm sorry you're having problems with your bridesmaid, they can be a pain in the bum at times! 

    in regards tot he dress you said she didn't like what was chosen but she's having to pay for it? tbh i'd be resentful at that so is that why she's being awkward maybe? i'm of the opinion if you're paying for the dress as the bride they need to put up with however hideous/horrid they think it is but i'd personally have an attitude if i was paying for the dress and hated it lol 

    could she possibly be having money issues and not want to admit it? that can be hard for people and she may just not want to tell you. the important thing is the wedding not the hen do and i totally understand how annoyed you are with her for it but at the end of the day supporting you on your actual wedding day is the most important.

    maybe just have a very frank discussion with each other and see what happens from there xx

  • by what you have said I cant see that you have a very good relationship with her do you think your friendship will last will you look back on you wedding photos in a few years time and say that was ............ she was my bridesmaid we don't see each other anymore ? its your day be strong make decisions for yourself x

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  • I agree with Kitten. I think that it doesn't sound like she is making difficulties deliberately, I think it sounds like there is some other motivation behind it. As the other ladies suggest, it may be financial? Possibly she is feeling a little "left behind" if you are getting married and she is not? Perhaps she has body confidence issues so wearing a dress she doesn't like and a different style of make-up from usual fills her with dread?

    If you are good friends, as you say, you need to sit down somewhere neutral and non-weddingy and have a frank and open conversation about how you feel and how she feels. It is important not to start off with accusations but instead ask how she is doing and how she feels first, and then bring up how you feel.

    Good luck! I hope it gets sorted and you can go back to planning with all your concerns cleared up.

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