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My husband double-barreled our surname and now his dad has disowned us.

Its really awful as on the day of our wedding we announced our married name would be both of our names combined as a double barelled name as thats what we wanted.

However - my husbands dad got into a mood on the wedding day and didnt talk to us for the rest of the day.

Now one month on he has not spoke to either of us except to say that were not longer part of the family, were not in the wills and he doesnt want to talk to us anymore because my husband has abandoned his family. Its awful and so unfair. I feel stuck and dont know how to help.

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  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,355 New bride

    I am guessing you did not discuss this with your families before hand which I can understand would have really upset your father-in-law.

    Yes - it is your choice to do what you like with your name, but I would have at least mentioned it to your parents before announcing it to the world on your wedding day.

    People are very attached to names and for some more traditional types, the idea of double barrelling or the man taking the name is one they would have to get used to.

    While his reaction might be a bit over the top, I can understand why he might be upset. Especially if you did not say anything to them before the day. I would let the dust settle a bit and then calmly speak to him about it - let him vocalise this feelings and explain why he is so upset by your decision.

    Then you can explain why it was important for you to double barrel your names and what it means in real practical terms

  • Wow, how ridiculous. I would be fuming. Did he just assume you would change yours to his?

    I would simply tell him that it's 2015, you can make your own choices, you're not property to be sold and the fact you've decided to both combine your names is a lovely symbol of two families/people coming together in unity.

    If it makes you feel any better, me and my OH are keeping our names and no one has batted an eyelid, so not everyone out there is so funny about it and you only have to read feminist wedding stories to see how much progress is being made by both women AND men who want equality and choice for all x

  • We did discuss it but my husband was of the opinion that if we told him before the wedding then he might not of reacted well on the day / might not even of shown up etc.

    And his behavior now i think just proves us right.

    We left it a month and had to go round to the house because he wouldnt answer the phone or see us etc.

    I think its ridiculous behavior to disown your son and treat him badly on his wedding day just because of his choice of name. But maybe im wrong as you think its just a bit over the top.

    I dont know - i feel more confused now.

    Were trying to pick photos for the wedding album and he doesnt want any of his mum and dad in it either as as far as hes concerned - his relationship with his mum and dad is over.

     

     

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  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,355 New bride

    I think there is more to this than meets the eye - if you hubby had a feeling this would happen that suggests there was something else bubbling up that would make this the 'straw that broke the camel's back'

    It seems an extreme reaction (on both sides tbh if you hubby is now saying he wants to cut them out as well)

    Let it settle and then try to approach it again - like I say, I think there is more going on here than just names.

    I have a double barrelled surname and it is a right pain in the bum sometimes, but I think that is because the first of them could be a first name so people ALWAYS get it wrong.

  • Everything you've said is what I'm anticipating from my future in laws - we haven't decided exactly what we're going to do with names, but I know I'm not changing mine, and that's going to be a HUGE problem.  I cannot understand it though, but I wish I could - how someone can disown part of their family for a perceived slight is beyond me.  If this wasn't about distancing yourselves from them then I don't see why it should be an issue.  Maybe try to explain this to him, but you have no obligation to do what they want you to just because they want you to, this is 2015!  Good luck :)

  • How awful for you! I can understand why you are both so upset, but not the way his Dad has reacted. My advice for now is not to let your husband shut them out of the wedding album. This could all be a storm that will blow over, and if it does he will regret not having them in the album. 

    I hope you can get things back on track, but if you can't, please try not to feel so torn and guilty. Concentrate on enjoying your new married life with your husband and the name you both chose together! (Easier said than done I know).

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    Wow.  Just wow.  So sorry that you and your husband are having this experience.  Marriage represents the joining together of two families into a new unit (amongst other things) and joining your names together is the most visible way to do that. Many people do this, and his reaction is not OK.

    I can only echo what other posters have said - give your FIL time to calm down.  Let your husband handle communication with his side of the family, just support him where need be.

    I would suggest, if you both can, to take the high moral ground.  Do include his parents in the wedding album, send them a copy with your love (even if you must grit your teeth when saying that!).  Keep communication open.  Also do keep in touch with other family members, don't let his parents be the gatekeepers of your + his access to the rest of his family (sometimes that can happen in these situations).  Be kind, and never be negative about the situation.  It's very tough to bite your lip and do these things, but in the long run, it will be the best thing to do.

    Good luck, I hope this works out for you. :)

     

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride
    shadeofshyness wrote (see post):

     

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride
    shadeofshyness wrote (see post):

     

    If it makes you feel any better, me and my OH are keeping our names and no one has batted an eyelid, so not everyone out there is so funny about it and you only have to read feminist wedding stories to see how much progress is being made by both women AND men who want equality and choice for all x

     

    That's not the same though. The husband's father is angry that he has changed his name, you are keeping your own names - no-one could have an issue with that.

    Why is he angry though? Has his father died recently? Is it to do with a family business or some sort of history thing? You will have to ask him

  • JD 2JD 2 Posts: 12

    That is an unfortunate story to hear, but I think your husband's father will get over it, it will just take some time. Men do not stay mad forever. Also if you and your husband are planning to have children, the "grandpa" will definitely want to see his grandchild.

    But hopefully, having a child isn't the only solution to your problem.

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