Difficult mother in law...

Hi fellow brides to be and new wifeys,

Ive been with my partner for five years now and we got engaged last year. I've known my future in laws just as long and they have always been wonderful. Four four years they accepted me as part of their family And told me as much. I even went to the gym 3-4 times a week with my MIL and we got out hair cuts together with the same hair dresser every 6 weeks. Both our houses are filled with presents and traded furniture from each other. I wish I was exaggerating... But I'm not. We've had very minor disputes a long the way, where she's said inappropriate things and my partner has had to sort it out. 

When we got engaged she cried because she was so excited. This excitement was also felt by my FIL and my BIL. It was all happy families...until earlier this year.

here's where the story changes... This is quite long...sorry!

we went to their house for dinner, my BIL was talking badly about my best friend (maid of honour) who is a big feminist. He kept pushing me, so I shut down, and stopped talking. I then leant back on my chair and he had another go at me about how I was sitting, I then replied to him and said I am not. His father chimed in and said I had righteous anger, I then replied to him and said you would know. His mother then said I'm glad their having a go at you and not me. I then shut down further. The thing is my BIL had been snapping at me for the past couple of weeks in front of his family, and they had said nothing, and allowed this behaviour to happen. 

i didn't storm out, but I was very quiet. We finished dinner, and ate dessert. I hugged everyone goodbye and left with my partner. We heard nothing from them for 2 weeks. 

my partner then decided to go and see them... Well they went on a full tirade... They said I was cold, distant, they didn't know me at all, they said that our relationship was inequatable (not equal, sorry about spelling) They then said horrible things about my family and topped it off with I'm just not good enough.

well, my partner was devastated. We got through it though.

we had a few months break away from them and continued to plan the wedding.

we decided to try again and contact them. My FIL apologised to my partner and said he regretted the things he said. My MIL did not however.

the next week, my partner went over to his parents house, without me (as I was not invited) they were both completely normal my in laws were asking about the wedding, all very excited, asking about me, saying they were going to help....weird I know

She then texted me and asked to have dinner to move on...and yes those were her words. I said I would have coffee with her.

we met for coffee, and she launched straight into me about Easter, saying I was rude. She then said she had concerns about my behaviour as a wife, saying that she had concerns about my family. She said I ruined the evening, she then said she had every right to have an opinion in her adult sons life. She demanded that I apologise. I was shocked by all this, I requested that she not speak in the way she was speaking to me, I then said I would like to move on and that we cannot speak about Easter anymore because we have different perspectives. I continued to say I did not agree in a calm tone. She continued to escalate, until she said she cannot move on and left the cafe. I followed and tried to leave she then yelled at me on the street saying that I hope I don't keep her from her son. I said he was his own person capable of making his own decisions (I was not yelling) and she said I was negatively influencing him. I then said I can't do this and walked away, she yelled after me.

 since then we have heard that she is telling mutual friends she will not be coming to the wedding and that she is cutting us both out. She is still texting my partner and saying she misses him and that she hopes he finds his way back to her, and that they are devastated.

 

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  • Zoe87Zoe87 Posts: 41

    Difficult mother-in-law is putting it mildly!

    The thing I struggle most with was how pleasant the MIL was towards you initially and the relationship you'd built up with her, it doesn't make sense!

    It sounds like she has all of the men in the family exactly where she wants them and enjoys having the control, seeing her son grow up and get married means the status quo has changed so she is becoming wholly unreasonable with her behaviour towards you, it stinks of jealousy.

    Sadly, in situations like this, the men in the family will side with her and your partner will obviously take your side but he will want to maintain a healthy relationship with his family.

    Coming from a family where my Mother is so controlling to the point of a joke, I have found I am often left out in the cold when I challenge something that doesn't sit right with me whilst the rest of my family sit on the bench.

    You've done absolutely nothing wrong here, what I want to know though is what did you partner say to your BIL when he was being rude to you? Did he stand up for you? I'm not saying that if he did/didn't that that's wrong but would be interesting to see how he reacted.

    Staying calm in situations like this is always the best way to react, because as you have described, you stay calm with MIL and she escalates higher and higher, all the while you are trying to reason with her.

    I wonder if it would be a good idea to hire a mediator to mediate the family disagreements and find a resolution for you, they will be unbiased and able to diffuse any situations as and when they arise without being emotionally involved.

    It may sound extreme, but it would really help mend the relationship and hopefully you can all move on from this amicably and be able to draw a line under everything that was said.

    Life is far too short and you don't want this dark cloud hanging over you and your partner on your special day.

    Wishing you all the best and please keep us updated on things as they progress!

     

  • MrsWPtobeMrsWPtobe Posts: 435

    Agree with sal. Politely infer that if they choose not to come, then that's their decision and then detach. We had the "well I'm not coming if" speech from my husband's grandparents. He said "right, no probs" they didn't come. Don't pander to people making threats. The wedding is one day out of your life, consider if you're prepared to put up with this over everything else, future house purchases, babies, child rearing etc. 

    If they're still hapring on about something that happened 6 months ago, will they ever let it go? I now employ a "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude towards husband's family. Sounds harsh but true. If your husband to be chooses to engage with them, let him, it doesn't mean you have to. 

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    OMG, elope!

    How awful will your wedding day be with all his family thinking you're not good enough! What if they have a go at you on the day? or your family?

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