Mother in law overtaking the wedding

okay so various things about my mother in law drive me insane, but who has it easy with the mother of their fiancé? however, she is the most judgemental woman I have ever met, I am no longer allowed to get ready at the venue as my fiancé will be there and she doesn't want us bumping into each other in the morning, so I have to get ready in my tiny old house that doesn't even have a full length mirror in it, with six bridesmaids, a flower girl, and two parents. 

Secondly, she has changed the whole colour scheme of the wedding and bridesmaids to suit her tastes. I know I sound like I don't have a backbone but I don't want to get on the wrong side of this woman, she makes me feel so awful for having any likes or dislikes that differ to her own and makes me feel stupid most of the time...God help me when I've got kids.

 

the last thing to annoy me is she seems to be treating our wedding as one big party to show off. my father is paying for the whole lot. Our venue was £19,000 alone so we wanted to keep guest numbers down as each one is £100 a head and I didn't want to take advantage of my dads generosity. My parents have invited one of their friends... ONE.... And they are paying for this celebration. My mother in law is trying to invite about 20 of her so called friends, including people myself nor my fiancé have ever met.

 

i have tried talking to my fiancé about this and told him I don't want strangers at my wedding, I want it to be people close to us who can celebrate with us, not look at us like we are performing monkeys.

am I a bad person for not wanting all her friends to come? There are certain close family friends I am fine with her having there but she keeps promising people invites which puts us in an awkward situation and she won't back down. Is anyone else having this problem? Or is it normal to have a bunch of people there you don't even know.

anyone else battling with an overbearing mother in law?

Posts

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    I completely agree with Sal.  Also if it's more convenient for you to get ready at the venue, then please do that.  You and your fiance get to arrange your wedding, she doesn't.

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    She cannot make any decisions regarding the wedding, suggestions yes, but not decisions. Your parents are hosting it they will make the decisions.

    If your parents cannot accommodate these 20 extra friends (at a cost of £2k) you will have to go back and say that.

     

    Don't let her bully you! x

  • You poor thing!  She sounds like a total nightmare.  I agree with the posters above that you need to get this under control before she takes over the entire day.  I take it that the colour scheme is now a done deal (though I hope you're not unhappy with it) but I would hope that you still have time to go back to your original plan and get changed at the venue.  Would this require much reorganisation or could you just make up your mind that that's what you're going to do?  If she finds out and brings it up with you you could try approaching it from a practical point of view and telling her about the advantages of getting changed there, though frankly I wouldn't get into a debate with her about it - just say you changed your mind and that's that.  Also if she's that concerned about you running into your H2B, what's to stop him getting changed elsewhere? Just a thought.

    About the invitations, have you worked out how many people you want there in total?  If not I would do that, then work out how many friends she can bring once you have accounted for all the other people you're inviting and let her know.  I would get your fiancé to do this if you can as then you aren't cast as the bad guy.  It might be worth chatting to your Dad about it as well if he's footing the bill as he might not be happy shelling out two grand for these people to attend, which is what it would amount to.  

    I haven't got any personal experience of this and I know families can be complicated so I might be being overly harsh.  It does sound from your email that your fiancé isn't as worried about it as you are - does he understand how much it's stressing you out and, if so, is he trying to avoid confrontation with her?  At the end of the day she's his mum so he really needs to be the one to put his foot down or you'll just get stuck in the middle of them both.

    Really hope you manage to get things sorted out, take care .x.

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    oh rosie - you poor thing! but i have one word that sprung to mind when i read this...WOAH.

    i'm not going to repeat what the other ladies have said, but i completely agree that you need to stop this now. i'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear however, i fear if you let this continue, you will begin to resent your wedding planning. say 'yes' to her once, and it'll just be harder to tell her 'no' next time.

    firstly, what right does she have to say over where you get ready on the morning of the wedding? what exactly is she going to do if you stay over at the hotel? be realistic - absolutely nothing! it's your wedding morning, get ready where YOU want! what a ridiculous demand!

    to me, the main reason why you need to curb this is money. £19k is a HUGE amount to be spending on just a venue. surely your dad is paying a significant amount for your day because he wants it to be perfect? it doesn't sound like it is going to be perfect if you let this woman continue in this manner. i'm sorry to sound harsh, but i wouldn't let anyone make a decision about how my parents' money is spent, especially when they aren't contributing a penny. in my opinion, she has absolutely no right to have a say on anything - guest list, colour schemes, the lot. she seems to be taking advantage of your family's generosity which isn't cool. she has no entitlement and you shouldn't be afraid to put her back in her box. how would your parents feel if they knew their money was being spent on decisions you haven't made or are truly happy with?

    i appreciate this woman is clearly an overbearing nightmare, but you have the upper hand here. think of the carrot and stick situation - even if she kicks off, threatens not to come...at the end of the day, she will just miss out on her son's marriage (and realistically, because of that, she will be there with her tail between her legs - you have the carrot here!). both you and your fiance should tackle her together. be prepared for an explosion, but i think you will feel ten times better taking back the reins. i know this is really easy for me to say as an outsider looking in, but i feel quite strongly that your good nature shouldn't be taken advantage of. please don't have all that money spent on your wedding for you to look back and say 'oh, i wish i had put my foot down over that.' 

    good luck! x

  • MrsWPtobeMrsWPtobe Posts: 435

    It's your wedding, you can get ready where you like. 

    It's your wedding, your colour scheme. 

    If she wants to invite her friends, she pays for them.

    Stop this now. Don't be a pushover, you are going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life. Your husband to be needs to be on your side. I can't stress this enough. If you let this go and let her have it all her way, your life will become a nightmare of keeping her happy, at the detriment of you. Say NO, compromise is fine, but DO NOT allow her to take over. The wedding is a trial run for your marriage. Re-take control. 

  • Pam5Pam5 Posts: 19

    Please please please do not let this woman do this. You need to stress in the strongest terms you will not accept this sort of behaviour. I have been in your shoes though not quite as extreme and I had to stand up for myself.

    in the end we became best of friends and she was an absolute darling but it took some hard work and assertiveness on my part.

    When are you getting married? Is it too late to change the colour scheme? The night before stay where you want to stay or can't your h2b stay at the house and you at the venue.  We're both staying at our hotel now and I'm quite looking forward to the fun of avoiding him it all adds to the excitement.

    what do your parents think? They must be horrified. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this especially when you want your wedding to be the best day of your life, it will be but you and more importantly your H2b need to realise this is your day and you the bride are the star. This is one time you need to be super bridezilla. Good luck xxxx

  • Rosie91Rosie91 Posts: 77

    Thanks everyone, I really appreciated it, think I just needed someone to say it's okay to put my foot down, the way she gets in my head she just makes me feel stupid for having my original ideas, the colour scheme is a done deal now, the colours are beautiful together but it's just not what I have dreamt about for the last ten years! 

    My fiancé isn't happy about about some of the people his mother has invited either so I think we need to both sit down and talk to her about it. I am one of 6, my dad has thrown four weddings before mine, so he and my mum are very laid back and let me make all my own decisions, my dad just wants me to be happy and have the best day. My fiancé is an only child, when his mother found out I was just going wedding dress shopping with my own mum she broke down in tears, telling me how she will never have a daughter so I am her only chance of helping an a wedding like a mother would! It's safe to say my mum was not happy about this and we went wedding dress shopping alone, and invited my mother in law once I had already chosen the dress.

    she also tried to say the singer we wanted was rubbish and acoustic was boring, my fiancé put his foot down again and we booked the singer that we wanted. It has got to the point we both are trying to talk about then ending around her, we want to try and get as much booked up as possible without letting her in on things because we can't bear her negative opinions!

    i guess with the venue I will just book my room for the night before and not discuss it with her, I already spoke to the venue and they said they would put my fiancé and I at opposite ends of the venue and I could have breakfast in my room. He will be leaving an hour before me anyway so there shouldn't be a problem! I think she just wants to take over he venue in the morning. 

    think I just need to be stronger sticking up for myself, my fiancé is really great at it in some parts, but other parts not so much! I think once I tell him the total amount her friends will be costing, he will realise how ridiculous the situation has gotten (fingers crossed) so we can talk to her together. 

    She has already been asking me if she can take our non existent children on holiday with her and telling me how to make sure they behave!

  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835

    Wow! She sounds like a nutcase! Out of interest did she have a big wedding of her own? I wonder if she is trying to plan 'the wedding she never had' (although I am definetly not excusing her behaviour!!)

    I hope you can get through to her. Def agree your fiancé needs to tell her to back off! x

Sign In or Register to comment.