Difficult Maid of Honour

Hi all,

 

I am having some difficulties with my Maid of Honour and I am not sure what to do.

She has been my best friend since we were 5, and although she was at uni for the past 4 years and we didn't speak much, she has recently moved back home and we reconnected.

As soon as I found out I was getting married I asked her to be my maid of honour and all was great. However, I started talking about dresses with her and showed her some pictures of dresses I like but she immediately started saying that she didn't like them and giving me a list of attributes that the dress had to have i.e. thick straps.

Whilst not over the moon that she was dictating we she was going to wear, I understood that she needed to feel comfortable in what she was wearing so I suggested that she have a look at some dresses she liked.

The past couple of weeks she has stopped talking to me completely (we used to talk everyday). I have tried contacting and she has either said that she is going through some stuff and it was nothing to do with me or blank me completely.

She hasn't shown me any pictures of dresses and I have asked her to come with me to a wedding fayre this Sunday but she hasn't responded.

I don't know what to do. I have plenty of time until the wedding but she is starting to annoy me a bit.

Any advice?

 

Posts

  • FJCloseFJClose Posts: 32

    Hi,

    Perhaps try popping around hers for a cup of tea and see if you can get her to talk to you about what ever is happening in her life. I think sometimes our friends can get sick of us brides talking about weddings and maybe she just needs some support in dealing with what ever if going on. 

    Hope you get this resolved xx

     

  • FJClose I second your comment x

  • As you don't know what it is she has going on, you can't know if her behaviour is to do with you or not? She may have a lot on her plate and be trying to protect you by not talking to you about it? Maybe back off a bit and see if she contacts you? 

    Hope you get it sorted xx

  • Agree with the above - maybe pop round for a couple of tea, bring some cake and DON'T talk about wedding stuff. Will give you the chance to reconnect a bit before you eventually plunge back in to wedding talk. It's easy to forget as a bride that your wedding isn't the biggest thing going on in your friends' lives even if it is in yours.

    I think you always have to compromise a bit with bridesmaids dresses - mine weren't keen on my original colour suggestion but helped me choose another one (which actually fitted a lot better with my theme) and there was some styles I liked but they didn't - in the end they're going to be wearing them all day and be photographed in them and you want them to feel comfortable. And anyway, you get to pick the wedding dress which is a much bigger deal anyway :-)

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    She's going through some stuff - did you text back and say "what's wrong? Is there anything I can do to help?"

    Maybe something bad has happened

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 586 New bride

    I have lost count of the number of threads I've read on here where a B2B has a MOH of BM whose gone silent on her and/ or being difficult for unknown reasons.

    Without fail people post back in a way that implies the B2B hasn't taken the trouble to ask their friend what is up and is obviously boring their friend ridged going on and on about their wedding.

    Well Hopelessbride2017 I'm here to post something different for once!

    1) As you are friends with this girl I would always assume you've already asked her what is wrong and that you've probably been met with a wall of silence,

    2) I would also assume that as a good friend, if you are talking wedding non stop (I'll hold my hand up, I did!), you have probably still asked her how she is, how works is, whats the latest in her life etc. when speaking to her and seeing her (again, as I did). I haven't met a B2B yet who totally lost all sense of social decency/ etiquette!

    3) DO NOT feel bad that you need to move forward with your planning and her behaviour is causing you a problem. 

    As a friend if I agree to be a MOH or BM I know I will have to support my friend and sacrifice a lot of my time to helping and supporting them/ planning and attending their hen do/ going to dress fittings/ helping out on the wedding day itself. If I weren't up for all that or knew I couldn't fulfill those duties for whatever reason, it would be MY responsibility as a grown up AND good friend to say sorry, but no. It is a bad friend who says yes and then causes their B2B friend a load of aggro.

    If she can no longer fulfill her duties for whatever reason (health, family problems, finances etc.) then again, as a grown up and good friend it is HER responsibility to communicate this to you asap. So please do not feel bad, your friend is letting you down and you have the right to want to get this situation resolved.

    4) Nip this in the bud to save yourself a load of stress. Pop a letter through her door (if you knock and she doesn't answer) saying you need someone to be there for you and help you/ cooperate etc. and you need to know if she can do that asap. Give her a 2 week deadline to get back to you and say that if you don't hear from her you'll ask someone else. I know it sounds harsh but its not at all- if she won't communicate with you she is leaving you no choice. There is no blame involved in this, you are merely asking can she fulfill the role she said yes to and you need an answer by a certain date.

    If that date comes and goes and she hasn't contacted you follow it up with another letter saying you will be asking someone else and you really hope to hear from her soon so you can be there for her, you love her and want to help etc. etc. 

    Before anyone has a go at me I want to point out that I was MOH for my best mate at a time when I was severely ill with depression, stress and anxiety. I have suffered with depression on and off my whole adult life but this time I had stress and anxiety too. In the run up to the wedding I was off work. Being that ill also impacts on your partner and relationship and as a comfort eater my weight had balloned so I was looking awful and felt disgusting and worthless. Depression isn't something that happens overnight, I'd been ill and getting worse for most of her planning period.

    But, it did not stop me being a good MOH. I said yes to the role and, as a good friend, wanted to do her proud. Organising and going to a hen do was the last thing I wanted to do, but I would never have considered letting her down. It is an honour to support a friend in that way so I put her needs before my own and did my job well.

    If it had reached a point where I really couldn't have carried on I would have spoken to about it face to face immediately so she could ask another BM to step up.&nbsp

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Lots of good advice on here, but if you want my two cents:

    I agree with BeckhaG about that it's clear you've tried to approach her, I assume to ask if she is okay?! I guess it's natural instinct when you go from talking to someone every day to not hearing from them at all is to get a bit flustered ourselves. I suggest you take a step back and just let her be for a bit. 

    The reason I say this is because you've mentioned that your wedding is a while off yet. I totally get that it's nice to get things like dresses sorted as it's one less thing to think about in the grand old scheme of 'wedding', but if time is on your side, don't worry about it for now. There is no point in adding stress to a situation unnecessarily.

    Set yourself a deadline for when you *need* her to start playing her role. Can you put off dress shopping for a few months when she might be in a better place, for instance? If she is still not responding to your attempts to make contact near that time (even if you're just asking if she's okay!), then go down the route of popping a letter through the door/re-considering her role in the wedding. You shouldn't have somebody as your MOH if they aren't playing ball, but your friendship should come first. I agree with the others that if she does get in touch soon, avoid chat of the wedding altogether unless she brings it up. You don't want her to open up to you again only to shut off if you start talking dresses. I guess all of us brides may need to remember occasionally that there is more to life than our wedding :)

    Hope everything works out okay for you both!

Sign In or Register to comment.