I think my new wife has post wedding depression. What the hell do I do?!?

Hi all!

I'm literally at my wits end. I dont know what to do! My wife and I had a perfect wedding day (exactly 6 weeks ago!) and went on a great honeymoon to Jamaica. But as soon as we got back, she started getting really distant from me, to the extent where she has started spending nights at her friends house. 

All the information that I could get from her is that she's "not feeling like herself" or "she needs some time to think". Now I'm a tolerant person, but I don't know how to handle this kind of situation. 

After doing a little online research, I've come to a loose conclusion that she's suffering from "Post-nuptial depression". Everything that I've been seeing fits this. 

I love her to bits and I'd do anything for her, but I have no clue what that "anything" could be in this instance. Does anybody have any advice that could help me get my wife back? Particularly, how to tell her what I suspect, and how to help us get back on track. 

Thanks in advance for any help!

Rich

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  • Thank you for your reply!

    I wish I could give more information. I can only go on what shes told me, what I've seen and what I've read, which in total is quite little. 

    I think I'm going to have to just sit her down and say what I think is wrong. I might see if her friends can shone any light on the subject too. Hope I can come back with better news!

    Thanks again!

    Rich

  • Karen62Karen62 Posts: 244

    Hi Rich

    sorry to hear of your trouble, from what you've said depression sounds like a definate possibility & very much like she needs help, if you can get her to see her Dr they may be able to advise further. While her friends may be able to give you some information I think your going to need some professional help with this & if it's been going on for a few weeks it's not likely to go away on its own & help sooner would be better for both of you. Hope things soon start to improve Kxx

  • Emily54Emily54 Posts: 266 New bride

    Hi Rich, 

    im not afraid to admit I have suffered depression myself. It's a hard road. On my darkest days no one can reach me at all. Sometimes for me I feel I have nothing to look forward to. It's all work and boring. Of course dark nights now mean we tend to go out less. Nothing fun to look forward to. 

    Try talking to her. Try making the future seem bright. Talk about your first Christmas as a married couple. How you can make it special?. Are you planning a family? i know you have just come back from a holiday but maybe plan a little break to celebrate your first New Years as a married couple or valentines? Try making her feel special (I'm sure you already do, but coming from experience during depression you sometimes can't see what's right in front of you) so maybe go a little OTT. A random breakfast in bed or a plan a date night to a great restaurant and to see the new Bond film. So she can look forward to something other than everyday life 

    I hope this helps and I'm sorry if this has came across as patronising, it isn't meant to X 

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    hey rich,

    i'm sorry to hear your married life together hasn't begun how you expected it to. i have also suffered previously from depression, mainly because i felt i had nothing to look forward to in life. that's one of the things about depression though - you lose all rational thought and normally, it is the people closest to you who are distanced the most. i can certainly say this of my OH. 

    i would like to think that this friend she is staying with has expressed their concerns to her and that she might have opened up to them. i think you need to contact this friend and stage a little intervention. if this friend cares as much about your marriage as you do, which i'm sure is the case, you should both arrange to sit with her together and talk things through. she may be running away from you, but if a friend is there, at least she may feel that she has a wider support network. or, you could invite this friend over to your house when you are both there. either way, this problem needs to be put out in the open. sometimes you don't truly realise you are depressed and how it is affecting those around you until someone highlights it. when my OH told me he was struggling to deal with me, that was the wake up call i needed to get help.

    as the other posters have said, there is no 'one size fits all' way to manage depression. however, i do think she needs to speak to her GP in the first instance. i know some people feel that taking anti-depressants is 'giving in', but honestly, they can really help someone suffering to get control of their emotions and then consider how they would like to tackle it. if this is post-nuptial depression, it should hopefully be a temporary thing that could be resolved with some counselling sessions or even a life coach. it was a life coach who actually helped me change the way i thought and manage my feelings - it isn't offered on the NHS, but it did change my life. what should reassure you from this is that there are plenty of options out there.

    i also agree that this may be brought on because there is nothing immediately exciting (no offence!) on the horizon. i also fear i may slip into post-wedding blues once my big day is over, however, H2B and i have already decided that we are going to go to florida for our one year anniversary. it seems mad to be thinking about it now, but it gives us something to aim for once the wedding is over. could you start to plan a trip for your one year anniversary? or, more immediately, make some plans to give her something to look forward to at the weekends - arrange a dinner with friends, or a night away for just the two of you. basically, get out of the house in whatever way you can even if it's for a lovely walk! if she has the opportunity to relax and be distracted by the fact that she isn't planning a wedding anymore, it may help ease her into 'normal' life again.

    sorry for the ramble, but i hope some of this might help you x 

  • Thanks for your replies again!

    I'm struggling just to talk to her at the moment. It's soul destroying. 

  • Hey Rich,

    Sorry to hear about your difficult time. The lovely ladies above make some excellent points. Whilst I definately agree that 'wedding blues' exist, it is different from actual depression. Whilst the wedding being over may be a factor, the behaviours are far more indicative of full blown depression. If she freely admits she 'doesn't feel like herself' then get her to the GP: no one has to accept living their life not feeling like themselves. Anti-depressants are an excellent tool, but as this has affected the communication in your marriage Id strongly suggest relate and couples counselling too. 

    Did she go into the wedding with realistic expectations? Some people can focus too much on the wedding and almost forget they will have to deal with marriage afterwards. It can be anti-climax, but one which needs working through! Lubes has excellent suggestions for how to deal with the lack of excitement, but if she cant even get excited about a holiday etc then she really does need some professional support.

    I hope it all works out, keep us updated and we are here for you xx

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555
    TheLegacyofMrsM wrote (see post):

     as this has affected the communication in your marriage Id strongly suggest relate and couples counselling too. 

    it's really sad to read your situation rich :( i do think this is also an excellent idea! if you go into it together, that could offer her some valuable support.

    do keep us posted x

  • Thanks for the advice everybody!

    The main problem here though  is that it was never depression.

    its just so much worse and harder to deal with. 

    And I haven't done anything wrong. 

     

     

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    Aw Rich,

    Sorry that things are still going crappy for you. i have no new advice, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone *hugs* xx

  • If you don't think it is actual depression, book yourself into Relate pronto. Even if she doesn't agree to come with you at first, go on your own and get professionally support. Did she get very carried away with the planning? Is it that she feels there is a hole in her life now? Those are somewhat natural, but she needs to be looking to you as her husband for support, not distancing herself from you to stay with her friends. You need to stick together and Relate are great at helping with that

  • Emily54Emily54 Posts: 266 New bride

    i hope everything works out for you Rich X 

  • Sorry that you and your wife are going through this. Not sure if anyone else suggested this but have you been able to talk to the friend she has been staying with, maybe they can shed some light on the issues. 

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