Six Months to go and Feeling Low

So today is exactly six months until we tie the knot, but rather than feeling happy of excited I am feeling abit overwhelmed and under the weather!

I have a habit of biting off more than I can chew and feel like I have surpassed myself at the moment. As well as being 3 months into a big budget wedding planning, we are also buying our house. My fiancé is self employed so mortgage application is in my name only; I am having to stick out a job I detest to be able to get the mortgage. I leave on January 2nd so mortgage has to be completed by then but it still feels like a long way away. I turn around problem stores as a retail manager and despite thinking I'd solved the problems, after a few months of performing, they are now back to being sh*t bags so I am trying to get them back in line at a time when I should be finalising things for Christmas. 

I am on a diet for the wedding and wanted to lose three stone. I lost 6ibs immediately after setting the date and as I've been stressed since then I flat lined for three months, which I was happy with. I've had a tough couple of weeks at work and have been stress eating and have put 8ibs on! Last weekend I saw my fiancé awake for 90 minutes as I was working so much and all we ever talk about is work, the wedding or the mortgage.

My best friend had her son two months ago so I spend my days off visiting her and cooking cleaning etc for her while she breast feeds but it was my 30th birthday three weeks ago and she didn't even send a card. I'm family sure I'm over reacting but feel a tad hurt by that.

To summarise, instead of feeling like everything is coming together, I feel more like it is slipping out of my grasp. My H2B is great and very supportive, I just hardly ever see him.

Sorry to whinge, I just needed a good old fashioned vent xx

Posts

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    No, no, no!!!! You are an inspiration and I won't have any of this!!!

    Looking at the photos you have put on here you are stunning. I would kill to look like you on my wedding day, so don't beat yourself up over your weight while you have so much other stuff going on.

    Your priority for now is making your, Eds and the fur babies lives perfect. I know what you mean about your crappy job, I'm the same, but I earn more than my h2b so I just have to stay put as we want to move/Remortgage after the wedding. That is short term pain though, they are obviously little shits or you wouldn't have to be there. Just grin & bare it...not much longer...

    As for your friend, well, somebody just dont see the bigger picture! You have Ed, and us to chat too - what more do you need ;-)

    Chin up lovely!!!! Xxx

  • Thank you for your kind words Sam. I'm starting to get anxious again which is frustrating for me. My family are usually very supportive but my brother is in hospital with pancreatitus so cant really put more on their plate. At least I have a weekend off work to try and chill out

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    I just imagine you to be such a strong person. Is there nothing we can help with? Anything we can help you source for the wedding or anything?

    Sorry to hear about your brother - that won't be helping things if you are worrying about him too.

    Yes, it's Friday night and nearly dark so not to early to have a little glass of wine ;-) xx

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 584 New bride

    Try not to worry, 6 months is plenty of time before you're wedding to finish everything off. I'm sad to hear your job is getting you down. I had a job in the past that was so bad it made me ridiculously physically and mentally ill, its just such a waste of your time and energy to get stressed but I know it can't be helped. no ones job should be that shit, hopefully you can leave once the mortgage is sorted. There's no way I could have planned my wedding while I was in the shite job I was in so you're doing well to manage at all with so many things on your plate.

    You've also got plenty of time to shift some pounds if you want to. I joined slimming world with 4 months to go and lost 2 stone in that time- if I can do it anyone can! I'm a massive comfort eater but I struggled on because I was focused on looking good for my wedding (will power has defo weakened since!!!).

    I think thats pretty awful of your friend not to even get you a card- boooo to her! But, try not to let it get you down, its a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

    Go easy on yourself. You've got a lot on, prioritise some time for yourself to relax and be with your fiance, don't run yourself into the ground xx

  • HdelHdel Posts: 132

    Sorry to hear you're feeling low I pretty much left all the planning for mine to the last 5 months and often felt overwhelmed and panicky but trust me it will come good in the end  just try to get the 'big'  things checked off your list then if not all the smaller things get done then it's no biggie  (they will get done but it's less pressure psychologically!).

    And have to say, having been an exclusively breastfeeding first time mum just last year, I can confirm it's bloody hard! In those first few months I was lucky if I managed to get showered and dressed before the end of the day, so whilst it's disappointing your friend forgot your card,  it probably isn't cos she doesn't care about you and more likely because she's exhausted and has baby brain 

  • So after a weekend of thinking, chilling out with my fiancé watching the rugby, and generally just a bit of lying low I have decided to book the honeymoon and then stop wedding planning until next year when I have left work.

    The anxiety I'm feeling seems to be a frustration at myself for putting myself in this overwhelming situation; anyone with a history of anxiety or depression will understand how your mind whirls and analysis and over complicates things until you are worn down and thoroughly confused. In my case, I hate my job so put my notice in as I didn't want that level of negativity in my life, only to be offered a big pay rise if I stayed until January. It was the big pay rise that enabled me to get the mortgage on my own, so we decided to stay and get the house, but there is a frustration at myself for not putting my own well being first. Long term us buying the house will make a big difference, short term it means I am throughout miserable in a job I detest... But only for another 10 weeks! I'm hoping booking the honeymoon will give me something positive to look forward to and will stay on the forum as I love everything wedding related :)

    Thank you for your kind words and messages of support and ladies if I start moaning again just write the two magic words: January 2nd!

  • I am back on here ranting lol, but I need someone to tell me if I am being unreasonable?

    As I posted above, I've been a bit under the weather and my best friend is very baby-occupied so pretty much missing in action in the friendship stakes.

    Since I posted above my brother has spent over two weeks in hospital, which has put a lot of strain on everyone. He is steady now but I have had a lot on my plate with the mortgage application, wedding, work, my brother and now a leaking roof!

    I've seen my best friend twice since my 30th birthday five weeks ago, once for lunch and once for coffee. Both times I've paid for everything. I don't hear from her for a week at a time, my fiancé took a sausage casserole round and she messaged to say it was very rich so they could only eat a little bit at a time! I worked for Mamas and Papas briefly and closed down some of their stores, my friend and her husband were on a budget so I spent literally hundreds of pounds on stuff for the Baby as I didn't want to compromise on quality on things like the mattress. I offered to get them some things at a huge discount and they said no so I brought them for myself when I had a Baby, which they are now using for free. I am starting to feel a bit like a cash cow. Is that wrong of me? 

    I messaged her yesterday saying I am sorry we haven't been talking much, I am struggling with everything going on at the moment. Do you want to meet for coffee or have a visit on Tuesday? Xx and got in reply:

    No worries, baby has bronchitis so don't know if you'd be better off staying clear as I know you pick up things easy. If not your welcome to come here. We're going to stay in until the little chap is well again x

    Am I over reacting? I know babies change friendships, but I thought it was just that she was in the Baby club, dynamic would change and then I'd join the Baby club and we'd be OK. I feel like she isn't interested in anything. She doesn't have PND and I make sure she is OK (cooking, cleaning, reassurance etc) but baby is ten weeks old and I'm starting to feel like I need some friendship in return.

  • bella2015bella2015 Posts: 1,903 New bride

    I can understand how you feel as the exact same thing happened to me. My best friend had a baby (I have no children) and basically went off the radar. Everything was baby related, I felt like I had no place in her life anymore as I was being excluded from pretty much everything, this all culminated in a big argument as I felt she was prioritising other people (with children/babies) over our friendship (i.e people she'd only known a few years when we have been friends for 16 years). It got to the point where I was considering walking away from the friendship as I couldn't see how I fitted into her life anymore and she just wasn't making the effort with me... I knew she was busy so I would text, email etc instead and very rarely got a response. I told her I wasn't happy about the way I was being treated/excluded and she did start making the effort a bit more, but things have never really been the same.

    I think you need to be honest and tell her how you feel, yes she's very busy as a new parent, but we are all busy in other things too regardless of whether we have children or not. It may be that she doesn't realise how neglected you feel.

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    One of the main reasons I have never had BMs (and basically no longer have friends), is, that they all ditched me after college once they had kids. I literally got a card one year from one of my college friends I was closest to that read, "Thank you for your card and kind words. I don't plan on going out with friends anymore. I have Ben and we are trying for children and that's all that really matters in my life anymore." Yes, that's a quote! And no, I never saw her again.

    Although the rest of my friends never put it in words, they all slowly drifted off after having a child, or two, or 5. (My closest GF from work had 5 total.) Interestingly enough though, they don't speak or see each other either, so it's not like they were in the "Baby Club" and I wasn't. And I'm not a party animal - I don't even drink! - so it's not as though I was attempting to be a "bad" influence in their lives.

    I think it's very sad, but people over time and change-in-life-circumstance do drift apart. It was really hard for me when it first started happening, especially because some of my GFs would still call when they wanted to vent - but never had the time for me when I needed to vent or wanted to grab lunch! I'm not saying your friend is going to disappear like mine did. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But clearly babies are major game changers.

    If it were me, I would limit the amount of time, effort, and definitely money that I spend on the friendship: that way, you won't feel like you are getting "used." It seems with your past history of depression, the stress of a disgusting job, and the stress of wedding and your brother's illness, that you need a shoulder to lean on - and need to not worry about being that shoulder for her. You need to be with and around people who are supportive. You can always "catch up" with her later, but for now, I would do what you can to focus on you and your needs, and your needs as a couple. See if you can't factor in some "me" time and some "us" time as best as you can especially in the next 10 weeks. If you have even little tidbits to look forward to, it will help. And don't forget you can always vent to us!

     

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    Hey MrsM!

    So sorry to read about your difficult time :( You really are taking on a lot at the moment, so I think you should be reassured by the fact that how you're feeling isn't out of the ordinary.

    I don't really have much advice, but I think most of us can relate to a time when everything seemed to happen at once. Try to console yourself with the fact that life isn't always like this! It will get better :)

    I mainly wanted to reply to let you know that you certainly aren't the only one experiencing the whole best friend 'baby club' thing. One of my BMs had a baby earlier this year and I second that it does change the dynamic of a friendship. I guess with the baby being so young still that both of you are having to adjust to the massive change in your friend's life! I must admit, I still struggle with it to a degree now - I miss being able to go out on adventures; everything I consider has to involve baby (or how baby can be looked after!). However, you do get used to it!

    You have definitely done more than enough for her as a friend - I think it's time to take a step back and let her get on with it as reading your post, this seems to be the part that's getting you down. Out of all the things worrying you right now, this shouldn't be taking up your time. You aren't overreacting - I think you have a right to feel neglected after you have gone above and beyond - but don't strain your relationship when you are both, in different ways, experiencing stressful situations! If you leave her, I would like to think she will come round. That was definitely the case for me. H2B and I made her and her husband a few dinners, bought some presents (Mamas and Papas too ) sent some cupcakes and we soon started to meet up regularly again. Now, my friend's baby is nearly eight months old and it is so much easier to see each other as she has adapted to motherhood. Time is a wonderful thing!

    As Kitten said, you always have us to vent to! You're not alone x

  • Hello ladies,

    Though I would update you all! Progress has been made, both good and bad. House sale completed yesterday so house is ours :) I have 11 days left at work and can't wait to finish. My brother is very seriously ill with pancreatitis and has a 50-50 chance on whether he will survive or not. Hectic still.

    I need a bit of a sounding board; I know some of you kind ladies have read my planning thread and know my circumstances. To cut a long story short, my ex-husband has got engaged to his girlfriend. I am happy for them, but a bit disappointed as he was the first person I called when I decided to marry Ed out of respect to him, and I found out as my Mom saw it on Facebook. I am happy for him and wish him all the best but do feel slightly peeved he hasn't told me. We don't speak anymore, we have both moved on so don't want to hold on to the past, but I do still wish I'd heard it from him.

    Am I over reacting? Honest opinions please! Xx

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    Hey - it's lovely to hear from you, congratulations on the house! Sorry to hear about your brother though, I know there is never a good time of year to be so ill, but it just feels doubly crappy at Christmas!

    Yes, you totally have every right to be annoyed at your ex (and I was when I found out my ex wasn't going off on holiday but was actually going off to get married). That said, I can see it from his point of view as well, perhaps he struggled over whether to tell you or not if you don't speak any more? I guess it just shows how selfish he can be, and how lucky you are to have Ed!

    2015 is nearly over, you have had a crappy few months but there is a line under it all (including the ex) so you can start 2016 a fresh :-) xx

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    Congrats on the house! Sticking it out with the crappy job is beginning to pay off :)  

    I'm so sorry about your brother. I said a prayer for him before typing this reminding God that He doesn't need this chap's soul yet...especially now.  I really hope for the best for him, please keep us in the loop on his progress.

    Your ex: those are complicated, aren't they?  I had a semi-friendly relationship with my first. He would call once in a while when he would get down about his dating life...or text when he saw something interesting happening in town that he knew I would care about...just occasional contact, not much. He knew I had moved on, and with whom, and we discussed it. Well, once he met his new GF, that was ALL over. They just had their first child about a week ago. My sister is FB friends with him and saw it there. I think it's too bad that we could not have stayed in touch, because I was over the moon happy for him when I heard he had gotten serious with a girl, and also quite happy for him about the baby.

    But time moves on. And so do people. And I imagine that is where his mind is at. Also, as in the case of my ex, sometimes the "new woman" isn't overly enthralled with her man being friendly with his ex. I think that's totally silly, because everyone being friendly just makes everything in life so much easier...but I have noticed a lot of women don't feel that way. 

    I'm sorry for you because I thought the relationship you had with Ed was neat: respectful...mutual admiration...a lot of history together...etc. Please don't let it get you down. You have a brilliant future ahead of you, between the new house, the new husband, a new job soon, etc.   You have so much to look forward to, it's ok to start to let the past slip away a bit if needs be.

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