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Bridesmaid issues....

I'm getting married July 2016, I asked two friends I've known for 13 years, living in the same city as I do to be my bridesmaids in January 2015. I was a little too eager in my bridesmaid decision making, I have friends living 3hrs away whom I've known since I was 6 yrs old (now 28) & I really wanted to ask them but as we all live extremely busy lives & I had this "ideal bridesmaid" idea in my head I didn't ask them. I just didn't think they'd be able to help me in the planning stages as they are so far away. Which is why I chose the two living near me. Time passed & my idea of a bridesmaid just wasn't happening with the two I'd picked. One had stepped up, she came with me to wedding shows, she'd send the odd pin on Pinterest ect. The other, got pregrant with twins a few months after accepting to be bridesmaid, she has done nothing expect ask to see my Pinterest board. So about 6 months down the line after asking the original two I decided I wanted my childhood friends to be apart of it all, after all i've pretty much done it alone including organising & booking my own hen do. All seemed good, they accepted & have been brilliant, they've taken over the hen do planning & they came down from London to come dress shopping with me, my mum & my local bridesmaid who has participated & they all got on really well. Something my pregnant bridesmaid now approx 6/7 months pregnant turned down as soon as I asked, with no explanation just "No". I've sinced asked her if she's happy being a bridesmaid still & if it's something she feels she can still do, thinking maybe she was being this way because she was trying to tell me she wasn't keen or now that she was pregnant she didnt want the responsibility. She reassured me she definitely wanted to be a bridesmaid so I left it like that. But for two months I haven't seen her, she's made no effort to contact me & is really off with me when I've tried contacting her to get together or catch up. I feel like I've really tried, her excuse is she can't physically do things, she doesn't want to talk to people incl myself & other local bridesmaid with whom she's best friends with, & she just hasn't got time even though she only works one day a week. I'm lost on what to do & feel a bit bridezilla, but I also don't feel it's fair on my three other bridesmaids to "carry" her so to speak. What do I do? Do I fire her as bridesmaid? Or do I keep her & just see how things go? I just don't want it to get worse & think maybe demoting her now will take away all the preasure & hopefully we can get our friendship back on track? Help! 

Posts

  • I think different people see the bridesmaid role differently. I have two, one of mine has been my best friend since I was six, I love her to pieces, but the last time I saw her was February 2014! We speak on the phone every two months? It deosnt have to be a hands on role. I think with your friend being pregnant with twins, what she will be going through hormonally and physically is a fairly epic amount. I can understand her not wanting to go to wedding fairs etc. I would just leave it for a while and see how she is after the babies are born. I'm not really a fan of sacking bridesmaids, I think it will do irreparable damage to a friendship that clearly matters to you, otherwise you wouldn't have asked in the first place. Only time you should sack a bridesmaid is when you are terminating a friendship.

  • Thank you. Yeah the friendship I have with the two who i've known since I was 6 is exactly the same as yours, we don't have to talk or see each other but when we do we pick up from where we left off. In fact I hadn't seen them for about 5 years up until a few months ago. But my friendship with the pregnant one just isn't the same, I do care about her massively, or I wouldn't have asked her to be my bridesmaid, but we have a different friendship. It doesn't always feel connected if you know what I mean? Would asking her to be a honorary bridesmaid (An American thing) instead be just as bad as firing her?  

  • It would be a demotion and I'm not too sure how I'd feel about it if I were in her shoes? My other bridesmaid had a baby 2 months ago. Before she gave birth I asked her to set up a fb group for my Hen Do and her reply was 'I'll do it after I've given birth as it will give me something to do!' Two months on and I've set up my own Hen Do group, which she is yet too accept an invite to. I didn't get a card for my 30th birthday 3 weeks ago but my fiancé and I both cook for her and deliver food, I tidy up her house etc in my days off. I am slightly annoyed about it, but I guess babies change friendships. I am frustrated and hurt, as I imagine you are now, but when you have babies she should hopefully come into her own now. 

    I wouldn't demote or have an 'honourary bridesmaid'.' I'd just put her at the edge of the group photos lol! 

  • VicNVicN Posts: 1,352

    Oh my goodness as someone who has recently had a baby I think you need to cut your BM some slack! I can't imagine the exhaustion of being pregnant with twins and I don't think you are being very understanding. The changes going on in her life are just as important as your wedding - have you offered to help with a baby shower for her or got involved in what is going on in her life at the moment or do you just expect her to be there for you? Your wedding is not until next summer, she is about to bring two people into the world within a couple of months, her situation takes priority in my opinion as it is much more imminent. Sorry if this is an unpopular opinion but it seems as though you have plenty of help at the moment and you are able to let her have a little time and space before you need her to be there for you; no, don't fire her!

  • It does depend on the person: I'd love to be a bridesmaid! I've only been one once, when I was 3. I organised a great baby shower recently and would love being able to help people out. Everyone is different

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    VicN you may think you have an unpopular opinion but i agree with you!

    i'm sorry that you feel you're not bring supported by your friend lauren, but VicN does raise a valid point - having twins is a pretty big deal!

    please don't see this as an attack as i do understand why you would be upset by her actions. however, at the end of the day, i guess all you really need her to do is turn up on the day, wear a dress and smile for a few photos. you are lucky to have a lovely support network around you so focus your energy on those bridesmaids who are playing ball and don't sweat your pregnant friend.

    leave the ball in her court and let her come back to you when she is ready. you have plenty of time to sort everything (although i totally get that it is nice to have one less thing to worry about)! if you are still struggling with her closer to a time when plans need finalising - once the twins have arrived and she has settled into life as mum - then i think you may need to be a bit firmer with her. for now, i would leave her be and not put pressure on her at a crucial point in her life. i'm sure everything will sort itself out in time for your big day :) x

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 273 New bride

    There are only two duties for a bridesmaid. Plan the hen do and turn up on the day in the dress you get them.

    She hasn't participated in the hen do but that's because she's six months pregnant. Sounds like it's a bad pregnancy if she can only work one day a week. Maybe you should offer to help her with things

  • Having been pregnant with twins I can tell you from experience that it us absolutely exhausting. I'm someone who is fit and healthy, goes to the gym, plays sports and i'd usually never miss out on a social gathering. As my pregnancy went on however I felt increasingly uncomfortable, my hormones were all over and yet for twins I was told I had a relatively 'easy' pregnancy. Mentally I also struggled with the changes to body and the idea of social gatherings become increasingly off putting as I was uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I found out I was pregnant not long after my friend asked me to be bridesmaid. We had booked a hen do abroad at this point and I had to cancel as I wouldn't have been able to fly. I felt really bad about not being there. I was also concious that I wasn't able to help out as much as I would like. I'm really glad she was patient with me and still let me be involved in her special day. Obviously I don't know your friend and maybe circumstances are different but if you've had the discussion and she says she wants to be you bridesmaid then I'd just roll with it and let her. I'm sure on the day it will all work out fine. xx

  • I am in exactly the same situation as you Lauren with one of my bridesmaids (she's not pregnant though!) she shows no interest at all in my wedding planning, always cancels bridesmaid lunches, wedding fair days at the last minute with no valid reason etc  I have now asked her on 2 occasions if everything is okay and I have been told bluntly I am being "paranoid". My other bridesmaid have also noticed her lack of interest and when she is asked her opinion on my hen do ideas she says "i'll do whatever".I recently asked if she fancied  a coffee or a day shopping just the two of us as I feel our friendship has drifted to which I was told that she wasn't free for the next 5 weeks ! I am now really struggling to decided whether to stop being so polite in my replies and tell her that her actions are really upsetting me as I fear this behaviour will continue right up until my big day and I will then start to resent her for ruining this special time for me.

  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835

    I completely agree with Vic and Nini- being pregnant is hard work! Im only carrying one baby and im knackered all the time! You need to cut her some slack!!  Add to that watching your body change and not knowing what you are going to look like afterwards.

     

    Yes, your wedding is important but Im sorry, so is having babies!

  • Wow wasn't quite expecting so many responses, I haven't been able to read through them all just yet but I've got the gist - give her a break. Lol.

    I'm happy to say it has all been sorted, after the first reply I realised a heart to heart was what was needed, not a demotion. So thank you :)

    I did see some questions as to wether I've been there for her and the answer is yes of course I have, without going into it all, I've offered to take her to appointments, planned a baby shower, bought her essentials as well as gifts for the babies. I myself have other things going on (medically) apart from my wedding & the planning. So I do understand my wedding is not the be all & end all. It was more about support & supporting eachother.  At the time of posting  I didn't feel that she was supporting me - with my medical issues or my wedding. We both have tough times ahead. 

    Anyway as I said we've had our heart to heart, & thankfully we have "kissed & made up". a big Thank you to you all for your comments. X

  • Glad all okay now and you have been able to both talk things through. Good luck with everything :-) 

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