Nasty FMIL (long! Advice needed)

Hi all, just need a bit of a rant and also some advice if anyone has any?!

My fiance and I have recently moved out from living with my FMIL and FSIL (FMIL is divorced, never had another partner, FFIL remarried a few years after divorce. Now been with wife for 17years, they ar lovely) whilst we were saving for a house. (House purchase still ongoing bu we are renting short term) The two of them are peas in a pod; daughter runs round after her mum and is the golden child (she waits up just to open the door and make her mother a coffee before she goes to bed etc.) my fiance is the scapegoat and never seems to do anything right...offensive behaviour by the sister is pooh-poohed however. 

FMIL and FSIL are both very unsociable, negative people who I struggle to be around and feel myself feeling down around them but always make the effort to be cheerful and chatty for my fiances sake. FMIL has a bad temper and goes from 0-60 in 2seconds flat. My fiance does not rise to her anger and stays calm (bless him). She periodically has screaming fits at him (calling him a selfish f*cking c*nting b*stard, you're just like your dad etc. absolutely AWFUL things which are totally unjustified) over ridiculous trivial things such as not putting something in the right recycling bin?! And forgetting mothers day (hence us moving) but we gve the reason as needing our own space and did not mention her as a reason whatoever. In fact she brought it up herself which made me think she realised she is unhinged saying "I know I get annoyed sometimes but moving out is a complete waste of money!" before storming off when my fiance was saying mum that isnt the reason...anyway we tried to leave on a good note - I bought them flowers and they hugged us bye.

That was 4 weeks ago. Since then I know my fiance has spoken to his mother on the phone once and text a couple of times. We have seen his dad and wife twice as it was her 50th birthday so we went for a meal and to her party.

Yesterday we were filling in paerwork for the wedding and found out we get two free room upgrades for guests of our choice. I gave one to my parents and partner wasnt sure what to do, he knew his dad is easy going but predicted there "would be trouble" with his mum so text her saying he will flip a coin as fairest way.

FMIL the proceeded to send spiteful texts telling him to "give it to the person you see the most now" meaning his dad, she also raked up her 50th birthday back in April and how we didn't go to her meal when it was only her and FSIL that went. We were actually visiting my family (160 miles away) and had made sure we delayed leaving until the day after her birthday which is when they had decided to go for a meal. She went on a big rant about how he hasnt bothered to go and see her in four weeks and she isn't happy that he hadn't told her about his car (he bumped into someone, very minor, nobody hurt) and lots more insignificant things etc. etc.

fiance ended up crying and I am just livid with her for making him feel this way When I do not see what he has done "wrong". This is not the first time something like this has happened, when we got engaged all she cared about was that he had told his nana before her?! Literally the first question she askd as who did u tell? He and is mum have never been close so he would not tell her anyway.

Anyway he text her back and told her to calm down and contact him when she was beng rational so thebal is in hercour...although he spoke ofgoing up to see her this week? I just see that as rewarding her behaviour? I can't TELL him what to do but I can't see him miserable!

I am just so worried that he seems to be trying to pre-emt her reaction to things and adjust his behaviour accordingly to appease her...but I said to him you can't live your life trying to please your mother...I f

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  • pink781pink781 Posts: 1,341

    Uh-oh.. this sounds familiar!  My mum sadly is very similar :-/  We've never been close, and after a family incident I took the decision to simply stay away.  

    I believe your partner is trying to appease her, trust me from experience if he doesn't he could end up losing her (I know!) he has to work out whether no mum is better than difficult mum - and there isn't a set answer or judgment to this, it's entirely his call.  Whilst I lost a hell of a lot of stress, I also lost other members of my family who I would rather not as they've sadly taken sides!

    All I can advise you is to stay calm, be his rock and support him but don't try to sway him either way otherwise he'll possibly resent it (be careful!) :-/

    Best of luck!  Hope you manage to work this through.

  • Hi pink781, thank you so much for your reply.

    I am definitely aware of trying not to "sway" him but rather try to talk to him so he realises thing for himself? However in the heat of the moment I get very cross and it is hard not to say how I really feel  so I will try to remember this and not start ranting in front of him as I do not want him to shut down. 

    What you have said makes sense about the choice of no mum or difficult mum..and that as you say is his choice and neither option is a great one.

    thank you for the support it helps to know we are not alone! 

  • I know how you feel my FMIL is very very difficult and has been very nasty towards me and my partner in the run up to our wedding. She is very unapproachable and probably the hardest person to make conversation with (she does't even laugh at my jokes :)) She is very close to my FSIL like your situation and she can do no wrong but I have never been close to them and they make no effort in welcoming me into their family so when it came to organising the wedding I didn't involve them as they didn't seem interested at all as they asked us no questions at all about any of it. His sister didn't even say congratulations when we got engaged.  but then a couple of months ago the FMIL kicked off saying that they had been snubbed and not been involved at all. I found it really upsetting and frustrating as I had wanted them to show an interest and be part of it.  That was sorted out but when we see them they don't even mention the wedding unless we bring it up - and it is in December!! I'm lucky in that I have lots of friends and a lovely family to support me and enjoy our day with but I do feel very sorry for my partner and I don't know how he has put up with it for so long but like your other half he stays calm and doesn't ever say anything back. I find it frustrating but I just try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, make an effort with them and also make sure that he goes round there and makes the effort when he has the time. I want him to be close to his family and I would like our children if we have any, to be close to both sets of grandparents. It is very difficult so I know how you feel. Very daunting to think we have a lifetime of being part of those families but as everyone says to me we are marrying our other halves not their families. If you ever need to rant feel free to message me and we can rant away together!! :) x

    x

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    I'm so sorry about this mess, rainbooboo. What a complete downer on what should be such a happy and exciting time in your lives as a couple. 

    I think the pinkies (both of them!) above put it best: be calm, be yourself, and be his rock. Hopefully in time he will see that placating them doesn't work: they are difficult people who enjoy being difficult and enjoy making other people walk on eggshells around them. There is no doing right by a person like this. They will find the hole in the silver lining no matter what!

    When I want my OH to figure things out for himself, I try to ask questions in a kind way that hopefully lead him to the truth. "What could be the best outcome of doing this?" "What do you think will be the more likely outcome?" "What are your alternatives in this situation and could you live with one of those instead?"  

    I hope that we've been some help, or at least that you feel better having had a chance to vent a bit! Feel free to post anytime you need to do so. Everyone here is always happy to listen!

  • Pinkyperky7 and kitten2014 thank you both for your replies. Pinkyperky7 I could have written the se message myself regarding no interest from them, no happy announcement or even a card from them at all his sister got a massive face on when she found out that he hadn't told his mum and just banged on about how sorry she felt for her...everything just seems to have to revolve around them! I did actually tell his sister to pipe down when she got a bag on as it's not about her. 

    I tried to involve them by asking for their preference on the vegetarian option as they are both vegetarian but all I got back from his mother when looking at our 4* venue was that is looked "alright" but "where is the menu this is the breakfast menu...." as she didn't realise it is called your wedding breakfas. I have done the same now and just not involving them anymore. FMIL hasn't asked about colours or not clashing etc she did declare she will be in navy but I can't be bothered to discuss this as she will be in the same as bridesmaids just less hassle. And the same offer stands if your future in laws drive you potty too!

    Kitten2014 I am definitely going to take that advice on board to get things to click for themselves for him rather than me pointing things out. Then it's not like it's me vs them.

    thank you both again for listening to my rather rambling rant! Hope you are both well I do feel comforted that I am not alone, and I am sure my friends are sick of hearing about my bloody FMIL/FSIL!!

    xxx

  • It's best to get it off your chest and this is a good place for it as there does seem to be plenty of people in our situation! I don't like to tell my family and friends too much about the in laws as I don't want to make things awkwarD for everyone else!! sounds like our in laws are very similar indeed! My other half told his mum before he proosed but my FSIL got the hump that he hadn't told her or asked her opinion on the ring!!! Then My FMIL told everyone she had no idea what the colour scheme is when she hadnt even asked me once!! Funnily enough when I found out what outfit she has gone for (via my FFIL who is lovely) it is the same colour scheme as the bridesmaids! When I have made an effort to show them things or ask their opinion  pick holes or say they would have gone for something different! It's very strange behaviour! One thing I have gained from the situation is I've realised my own family werent so weird after all ha ha!! Hope it all works out and keep us updated xx 

  • Hi girlies, I think you are right about not telling the family too much although mine are distinctly unimpressed with his mother and sister because of their behaviour and I have ranted to them before now (whoops)

    Pinkyperky7 yours sound sooooo similar it is unreal...some people are just so self absorbed and can't see past their own selfish wants and be happy for you! I am sure I will get accused of snubbing them and their opinions but frankly they have shown so little interest and inconsistency with their nastiness that I would not trust them not to muck something up  His sister CAN be okay at times but is her mother's shadow - she would say black is blue if her mother said so and anythign partner says to her gets fed back to his mother. Unfortunately she is not consistent with her behaviour and attitude so sadly I do not trust her and do not feel I can build on the relationship, so i stay with being pleasant and making small tlak but no further.

    My dad and brother have met his mother and sister before but my mum hasn't. However none of my family have met his dad and step mum (who we LOVE), my parents are coming to stay with us for a few days around Christmas and have asked to go out for a meal with his dad and step mum so I am really looking forward to that...although may be difficult to handle as my parents only want to meet up with the dad and step mum not his mum and sister (hope this all makes sense!) So I don't think my mum will meet his until the wedding day, but his mum is so socially awkward anyway that trying to invite her to a lunch would be so painful, so I think best this way. I will just make sure no photo's go on facebook so it doesnt kick off!

    It has 100% made me appreciate my family and how considerate and caring they are. Partner and I did do a bit of talking and he has come to the conclusion that he is leaving his mum to it until she gets in touch with him as she was so nasty about the rooms. He left the ball in her court when she said all these nasty spiteful things by telling her to get in touch when she had calmed down and was not being irrational! (lol) I had no input on that by the way as he had the whole conversation with her over text before I knew about it! So perhaps I should give him some credit for staying calm and responding pretty well by not standing for it.

    The question now is how long she will leave it!? I am imagining a snide text from her in a week or two asking if he is going to ignore his ill mother! GUILT TRIP!

    Okay this has turned into a waffle lol x

  • Hi ladies,

    Thought I would update you as my wedding has now been and gone :( it was the best day ever it went completely perfectly and I wouldn't have changed a thing. It just went SO quick though it really did. I can't believe all the planning is over but all the hard work paid off and everyone commented on all my extra little touches I had added.

    During the rest of our lead up to the wedding the MIL didn't have much involvement and didn't act excited or ask much about our plans I just gave up on hoping she would change her ways.

    I didn't notice how miserable she was throughout the day until I watched our Highlights video which I can't stop watching as it is brilliant but in the background the MIL is there with a face like thunder, not even laughing or acknowledging a mention during the speeches and practically crying into my hubby's shoulder during the 2nd song. I could see her crying during the ceremony and thought maybe that's normal but the rest of it was quite odd.  I would say 80% of people I have spoken to have mentioned how miserable she looked. I think its a shame that this is going to be apparent forever in the photos and the films (the full length will be even worse) but I guess it makes her look bad not us as everyone else in the room (apart from SIL) is having a great time.

    I have no idea whether she doesn't like me or whether she just wanted her son to remain hers forever more never having a girlfriend or kids. I'm going to be civil though over xmas and when I have to see her but it will be a struggle. I can handle her being rude to me but she didn't make any effort with my parents or my guests at all during the day.

    x

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    I'm glad you had a brill day! Do you have any pics you could share??

    I'm sorry your MIL behaved poorly...but maybe try to look at it this way: doesn't she look the complete FOOL when everyone else is smiling, enjoying, and whooping it up?? If you can, try to see the humor in the situation. 

    Your guests:      ...your MIL .  Looks silly, doesn't she?

    As far as pics go, don't forget, you only need to display the ones you like. I'm assuming you probably got lots of great shots with you & the new husband, and you & friends, etc, that she is not in. You don't need to hang her frowny face around your house or have more than one or two pics of it in your album!

    Congrats again on your misses status!!

  • I have plenty I will try to figure out how to do it :) Obviously still waiting for the professional pics but there are plenty taken by our guests.

    Yes that is very true and I am very glad I didn't notice too much on the day. Before the ceremony apparently she was standing with hubby and his groomsmen linking arms with him and several people have said it looked like she didn't want to let him go!! I feel sorry for him but he said he is used to it - hard to word what I really want to say sometimes :)

    Yes we had lots of pics taken so I don't need the ones of her (only perhaps for the dartboard) she requested some group shots but I wasn't in those ones (surprise surprise).

    I just think its a real shame as I'm not a nasty person and would love to be close to my MIL but I fear even if her son was marrying Kate Middleton it would not be good enough!!

    Thank you - still getting used to the new name!

    x

  • I posted the first one to show it was a fun wedding :)

  • Kitten2014Kitten2014 Posts: 1,489

    Aw, you look so pretty (and happy) and so do your girls!

  • Ah thank you! Can't believe it's all over now :( xx

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