Can't Be Happy for the Bride :(

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  • That is a very difficult situation and I feel really sorry for you and your sister. He sounds horrid. If she is determined to marry him can you steer her towards a prenup? He sounds like he wants to be back rolled!

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  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    Normally I would say keep quiet, but as it is your sister I think you need to speak out. But you need to do it very very carefully.

    I would try to focus your wording on how his behaviour makes you feel and you concerns about her long term happiness. So I would say things like, when he says this to you, I feel that he is being X and I am concerned that you might start to feel Y which would be difficult for me to watch.

    Try not to throw around accusations about being with her for her money etc as she will probably rush to his defence.

    Try to speak at a time where you wont be disturbed and it neutral

    Once you have had your say, tell her that she is still your sister, that you are there for her and always will be. Should she ever need an out, your door is open.

    If after all that she decides to stay - hold your tongue and show that you continue to support her. Anything else, will push her into his arms

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  • I don't know your sisters age or circumstances, but you could go in the 'do you want to have a family route?' That way you can talk about how he isn't a great Dad and express concerns over that, without ostricising her. That is a fair way of saying 'I'm concerned for you.' You have to tread very carefully!

  • Not sure if I've posted twice once or not at all...my Internet being weird! Anyway I was echoing Mrs Twizbe in terms of trying to avoid criticising him and focusing just on the behaviours that are concerning you. Very easy to get into the he's no good for you type language which might put her very much on the defensive. Other thing to be wary of is making sure you continue to have regular contact and communicate as he's likely to have picked up on his unpopularity and may try use this situation to isolate your sister; doing the whole it us against the world thing. For similar reason i would ensure i went to the wedding/hen etc so he cant try use this against you. x

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  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 586 New bride

    Kitten2014- I'm so sad to hear you're in this situation, and that your sister is to. Why can't intelligent women see when they're with such arseholes and leave?! Especially when she sees him treat his daughter so horribly- why on earth is she staying?!

    I have a very beloved friend who married a total arsehole like this- only difference is he hasn't got a child from a previous relationship, but other than that he's exactly the same. For some insane reason she badgered him to marry her?! My friend and I talked to her before her wedding and said basically she was marrying a dick and her life would be miserable, did she really want that? My friend and I couldn't have lived with ourselves if we hadn't have at least tried to make her realise.

    Sadly, she said she knew what he was like (a serial cheat, abusive, manipulative, using her for money, lazy at contributing, cutting her off from her loved ones etc.) but she thought marriage would change him. We were horrified and said of course it wouldn't but she didn't listen and married him anyway.

    Now she is in a very unhappy marriage, desperately unhappy and we either have to witness her pretending its all fine and he's changed (typical abuser behaviour, when it looks like the victim will finally leave, be nice and promise to change- it never lasts long) or hear how unhappy she is and the details of what a dick he is. She physically cowers from him she's so scared, is holding having the kids she wants cos she knows he'll be an awful dad, she's drained from supporting them both etc. etc. Its awful to see your loved ones in misery, life is too short.

    Basically, I think no matter what you say to your sister she'll still marry this guy and live in pain for years. Just pray- like we do for our friend- that eventually the relationship will end and they will finally be free. Good luck xxx

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  • Karen62Karen62 Posts: 244

    Hi Kitten

    What an awful situation, I agree with much of what's been said before. He is displaying typical abusive & controlling behaviour the more she gets her life together, gaining her degree & the job she wants the worse he will get, demonstrated by his latest suggestion that she now give up working probably even though he likes the benefits & lifestyle it is providing for him, because she is threatening his masculinity! possibly the proposal is him trying to cling on to control.His own self worth & esteem sounds pretty low so he belittles her & his daughter to make himself appear better.

    you mentioned that he was part of the reason your sisters first marriage broke down & I wonder if in some way she feels she has to stay with him to justify what happened! & possibly to help protect the daughter. She probaby won't appreciate it but it might be worth bringing this up & saying that no one will think less of her for walking away now &  as suggested before what sort of dad he would be if they did have children together. it may be enough to at least make her think twice & perhaps delay things a bit. Also if a prenup would protect her as well as him then why not do it? It doesn't sound like he's going to be paying much of her student debt off anyway!! & her future earnings any family legacys etc could at least then be protected should the relationship break down in the future

    I suspect whatever is said she probably won't change her mind but at least you will have tried. I have 2 friends one who finally left her husband 18months ago & is now divorced but still trying to sort out the financial mess it has left & another who is still with the idiot, we don't get to meet up often, as he/they make all manner of excuses but when we do we try not to talk about him now unless she brings it up because it just pushes her away more but it's so hard to watch & as you say support such destructive behaviour.

    I think you're right that you need to voice your concerns again but then be prepared to support her through what happens next & agree to have some time not talking about him So as not to alienate her further.

    sorry not to be more help I hope things work out

    Kxx

  • BekhaGBekhaG Posts: 586 New bride

    Good luck for when you pin her down for a chat, let us know how it goes xxx I'm really hoping she see's sense and , as you say, saves herself a lot of strife and heartache x

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