2 year engagement & lack of support

Set our wedding date for September, 2017 and so far my mothers lack of excitement and overall support has been almost concerning.  She has zero interest in talking about the wedding and hasn't even congratulated us.  My mother loves my finance and they get along great so I know it has nothing to do with him.  My finance and I both work decent jobs, fully support ourselves & already live together.  I was just hoping she would be a bit happier for us and not so distant.  Whenever I try to even talk about anything wedding related she responses with, "Why are we even talking about this? Your wedding is 2 years away." 

Overall, it's been a bit depressing & a let down.  Guess I was hoping for a bit more excitement.  Does anyone else have this issue?? 

Posts

  • Raksha92Raksha92 Posts: 215 New bride

    I am also getting married in September 2017. My h2b is like your mum and isn't overly excited yet because it is 2 years away.

    I understand that it is upset because you are really excited and want to start get stuff booked and making plans.

    Maybe you can try and involve her in some of the decisions that way it feels a bit more realistic for her?

    Good luck!

  • Thank you for understanding.  I live in a very small town so wedding options are very limited.  Because of this I already had to start booking the church, hall, DJ, photographer and caterer.  I was able to get all of this done on my own.  I tried to include my mother but still, no interest.

  • I'm getting married next year and my mum is the same  actually she does make comments but they are all critising everything im doing who im inviting grrrr ive just decided i dont care. Thankfully my maid if honor is amazing so i just go to her instead

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,663 New bride

    That sucks that your mum isn't that interested :( I'm getting married in June 2017 and a girl at my work is getting married May 2016. I've done more planning than her and she keeps making little comments about how I'm doing stuff 'too early' and snide remarks about 'don't I want to leave that until nearer the date as it's like, 2 years away' (it's not, it's 18 months).

    You'll always get people who won't share your excitement, especially if they think the wedding is too far away to care about yet! But your mum shouldn't be one of them. Have you told her how it's upsetting you and you really wanted wedding planning to be something you did together and bonded over?

    Also- she might *think* you're too early, but both my photographer and registrar told me they've taken bookings for 2018. The photographer has even had an enquiry for 2020! It's not like the 'old days' where you could plan a wedding in a few months, it's more complicated now. Maybe she doesn't realise that.

  • My mother has also criticized the few decisions that I have made so far as well.  My fiance purposed to me on September 5th & my mother was upset because she wanted him to wait for my birthday in November lol

  • MrsTwizbeMrsTwizbe Posts: 3,352 New bride

    I wouldn't get upset. Yes your wedding is a huge deal to you, but it is 2 years away. If you mum is married and married around the time my mum did (1979) engagements weren't very long, weddings were very different and the planning was nothing like it is now. She might not know that you expect her to be overflowing with excitement, she might just not understand your expectation.

     

  • Sammykate I can definitely relate to everything you have said.  My mother keeps saying I am doing everything too early and that it is 2 years away (it's a year and 10 months away).  I tried talking to her and telling her that I wish she was more excited, more involved and that I feel like she doesn't care.  All she said was that 'it is 2 years away'.  I live in a very small town and my wedding options for everything are very limited.  Most places around here already have bookings for 2017.  I almost wasn't able to get a DJ.  I am her only daughter so it's all a bit frustrating.  Especially when my fiance's parents have been so supportive. 
  • Harriet85 I have an amazing Maid of Honor as well.  She has been very helpful which is great because I feel that her and I will be doing pretty much everything on our own.

     

  • lubeslubes Posts: 1,555

    i'm sorry that you feel you're not supported by your mum, but try not to let it get you down. you and your H2B have every right to be excited, but i think the comments from us should hopefully reassure you that it isn't out of the ordinary for others to not share your excitement in the same way, especially with your wedding being two years away. i agree that maybe she hasn't responded to your discussions about your plans in the most positive way, but there is plenty of time for her to get excited! it just may not seem real to her yet. mrstwizebe raises a good point that weddings were a different occasion for our parents' generation which may be why she is struggling with your plans. we have been criticised several times for our choices, but only because things have changed in the last thirty odd years! 

    let's look at the positives: you and your H2B have done very well to hold your own financially; you clearly have a stable life together; you have organised the most important parts of your day already; a good MOH to help you out, and most importantly, your mum gets on with your H2B (that's more than some other brides on here can say about relations!).

    focus your energy and excitement between you, your H2B and your friends. don't tarnish your planning by thinking about who isn't excited for you yet! x

  • lubes Thank you 
  • DactylDactyl Posts: 66

    We have parents at opposite extemes. My parents are very excited and enthusiastic about everything...sometimes a bit too much so but they mean well. Meanwhile H2Bs parents didnt acknowledge our engagement and had to be chased for their RSVPs. 

    i don't think it's because they don't care, although sometimes it's hard not to take it that way, it's just they way they are.

    Sometimes I wish h2bs parents would be more interested in what our plans are....others I wish my parents would be a little but less interested so either way it seems our parents can't win lol - just have to take it as it is and get on with enjoying the planning process as much as you can.

  • Thank you everyone! My H2B's parents have been so amazing. They have offered emotional support and have already helped us out with some of the wedding costs.  His parents said that they did the same for his sister so they see no reason why they should not help us.  Meanwhile, my parents have done nothing.  My mother says she doesn't think she help us with any of the wedding costs even though she was very generous with my brothers wedding 2 years ago.  Overall, my parents, especially my mother have been pretty embarrassing with their lack of involvement so far.

  • MrsMannionMrsMannion Posts: 1,127 New bride

    I just think some ppl don't get as excited as others iv been planning my wedding since January 2014 so it was 2 and half years till me wedding I didn't talk to her much about it cuz I know she wouldnt be interested,  git to a year away and I had to nag her to go dress shopping which she finally agreed with 10 months to go,I am now nearly 6 and half months away and she still isn't all in to getting better but nt into it I think some ppl find it hard to get excited for other ppl xx

  • I'm getting married in June 2017 and although I had an initial bout of excitement (and panic) about booking our venues and registrar, other than that I'm kind of feeling like its a bit soon to plan other things, partly because I don't want to rush and have nothing to plan closer to the time. However, in a couple of weeks it'll be 18 months to go, and I feel like this is a length of time I can actually picture (if that makes sense) and will get really excited then!

    Totally not judging anyone for planning everything and getting excited btw - we're all different after all - but I wonder if it really does feel too far away to picture for her at the mo?

    It's completely understandable that you're feeling upset, but I'm sure that soon she will get involved and excited and you'll forget all about this. Who knows - she may get TOO excited and involved: be careful what you wish for!!! 

  • I can completely relate.  Everyone was so happy when we got engaged, so I know it's not about us as a couple, but since then it's been very underwhelming. We get married in 20 months (Aug 2017), have booked our venues but that's it, and I'd expected our parents to want to be involved in the decision making, however so far the only thing that's been expressed is that nobody wants us to feel pressure to have a big wedding (a nice way of saying that we should have a small one, so that nobody has to see their ex's, as both our parents are divorced).  Since we've said that's not what we want, nobody has shown a jot of interest, even to the point where I was considering calling the whole thing off about a month ago.

    It's actually quite reassuring to see other people feeling the same way - I guess to some extent I had a bit of an idealised vision of how things would be, and the reality not matching up has been a struggle.  Knowing I'm not alone helps!

    The only thing I've found helpful is to focus on the reason we're doing this.  I love my fiancé, and I want to stand up in front of our families and friends and cement that, and have the perfect day to frame it! If other people don't want to be involved in the planning, then they can be surprised and enjoy the day as guests - at least I can do whatever I like and they'll just see the amazing end product

    Good luck with your situation - you know you'll find lots of interest/support on this forum at least!

  • Argh i had this and our wedding was decided a year ahead.  No one was really interested so we did a lot of planning and buying dresses suits, deciding venue etc on our own and now suddenly with the wedding weeks away everyone wants their say and is upset when we say things are sorted so be prepared you may get bombarded nearer the time once you have already made a lot of decisions!  To be honest I have taken the attitude of suggest what you like, I will nod and smile and they will only find out we havent done it on the day (that may not be the best way but its the only way i can deal with the hassle!)

  • Hi everyone

     

    I've had a similar thing! Our wedding is now only 10 months away and still people (MOB, MOG, MOH, BMs) don't seem that bothered! What I keep having to remember is that yes, for us this is an 18 month project, but for them it's a hen do & the day itself. 

    They are happy for us and will be happy and excited on the day itself, but it's not their priority in the same way it's ours - and it must be quite boring to hear us banging on about it all the time!

    I do think its balance though and if it's upsetting you, maybe just mention it to her. x

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