How do I decide who to give me away?

Hi everyone,

Apologies if this topic has already been spoken about, I am new to the page!

So me and my fiancé got engaged a week ago and want to get married this time next year (Nov 2016) so have started to make plans already.

The main thing that is really stressful for me already and something that I can't get out of my head is who do I choose to give me away? So let me tell you a little bit about my situation ....... My mum and dad were married for 23 years, we didn't see dad much growing up because he was a self-employed builder and worked long hours, so didn't really have a close relationship with him. Around 6 years ago mum was diagnosed with MS and my dad couldn't cope and left us when we needed him most. As you can imagine he hurt a lot of people in the way that he did this (which I won't go into too much detail about, but another woman was involved) and I was left to pick up the pieces. It is only recently that I have started to speak to and see my dad and finally build some sort of a relationship with him (after a lot of counselling). Although I will always love my dad, I will never forgive him for what he did and how he handled the whole situation.  

Growing up me and my sister were very close to my grandad (mums dad) and he is the one that has always been there for us no matter what time, whatever we need him for, absolutely anything he is always there for us. I would love nothing more than to ask grandad to give me away and give a speech, but also have my dad at my wedding. The only problem is my grandad and a few other members of my family have not turned up to family events in the past because my dad has been there.

Also a few family members and friends have said to me, your dad needs to give you away how is he going to feel seeing someone else do this? Which is now making me feel guilty and so confused. I've thought that I could maybe have both of them walking me down the aisle, but how do I do this when my grandad won't even stay in the same room as my dad?

If anyone has any suggestions at all, please please please can you help me with this, I'm going out of my mind already!

Kirsty x

Posts

  • I would personally choose your Granddad. I can't imagine this would be something he would miss for the world if you asked him.

    Your dad has no right to walk you down the aisle, just because he is your dad. He has to have earned it and it doesn't sound like he has. You could always ask your dad to do a reading if you want him involved but don't feel obliged to do anything that you might later regret.

    I think when it comes to weddings, you have to stand your ground early on, otherwise all kinds of people will try and have a say...I put my foot down as soon as our deposit was paid so people knew where they stood and whatever we chose to do wouldn't come as a shock, or, if it did, they already knew that we were doing things our way.

    It's about you and your partner, no one else. Just keep repeating that to yourself.

  • I agree with MrsStobe. Your Granddad sounds like the right choice.

     I don't have the best relationship with my Dad either. He is too afraid to face my Mum's family and with a few months to go informed me that he is not coming. So I have recruited my brothers to walk me down the aisle. I actually feel a lot better about it now as it means more having them than my Dad as they have always been the ones to support me.

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    I think you know the answer to this - you must want it to be your grandad or you wouldn't be asking (if that makes sense).

    It is your wedding so should be done whatever way you and your groom want it to be done...pop two fingers up to tradition and those that criticise (and get used to that, there are tons of threads from brides who are trying to respond to all the critics, it seems that as soon as you say you are planning a wedding, all your "friends" and family think they can be as harsh and demanding as they like). 

    Good luck, whatever you decide xx

  • SammykateSammykate Posts: 3,975 New bride

    Definitely go with who you want, not what other people say. How about having your mum walk you down the aisle? That's what I'm doing.

    I haven't really spoken to my dad since I was 16 (only seen him once since then at my sisters wedding) so he isn't even invited. I had him on facebook but when he didn't even bother to congratulate me on the engagement he got deleted off there too.

    You don't have to choose your dad to walk you down just because that's the 'done' thing. Do you have to invite your dad if it's going to cause tensions with your granddad? It might seem a bit harsh, but it sounds no worse than what he's done to you in the past.

  • Thank you very much for your responses :)

    I think I have made my choice I just don't want to end up doing something I regret.

    I did consider having both of them walk me down the aisle, but I really don't think that would work! My granddad is quite an emotional person and if he so much as hears my dad's name you can see the hurt on his face,

    I know he would be proud as punch to give me away and would love to do the speech.

    Thank you again xx

  • Sorry Sammykate I posted a response before I saw what you had written.

    I would love my mum to but she has MS and is in a wheelchair. She can walk a few steps on her little walker/ zimmer frame, but she wouldn't be able to walk unaided unfortunately.

    xx

  • Sam60Sam60 Posts: 249

    ...you also sound more 'loving' about your grandad, where it is very factual when you talk about your dad. I think your dad will understand in the circumstances. If I were you, I would be going with grandad too :-) xx

  • Thank you very much :)

    Now I just need to decide how to tell my dad and then ask my grandad to give me away!

    Hopefully it won't cause too much stress in the future.

    xx 

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    Just tell your dad straight up

    "We haven't finalised all the wedding plans yet, but for the wedding ceremony Grandad will walk me down the aisle"

    Then later on tell him about the speeches.

    I would suggest that you phrase everything as being a joint decision of you and your fiance - it may help...

    Good luck, hope it all works out!

  • I feel your pain! My mum is walking me down the aisle. I have never fallen out with my dad, but he left when I was six and we have never had much of a relationship as a result. It's my mum who has been there with me through thick and thin, so she is the one who I want to give me away.

    I haven't told my dad yet...I am hoping he will work it out for himself. We don't talk from month to month (the last time was in April) and he hasn't asked about the wedding at all (even after sending him the invite) so there hasn't been the opportunity to drop it into conversation.

    I know I want my mum to do it, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty!

  • Anna22Anna22 Posts: 157

    Don't feel guilty about not having your dad walk you down the aisle.  Everyone is free to make the choice that it right for themselves.

     

    E.G. I walked with my partner down the aisle together...

  • I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty, it's awful isn't it :(

    I should be happy and excited that I'm marrying the most amazing man, but I just don't want to upset anyone.

    My fiancé adores my grandad also and he gets on with him so well, but in all the time we've been together he's probably seen/spoken to my dad a handful of times.

    It seems like such a simple choice seeing it written down and it helps to know (as awful as it is) that I'm not the only person who's going/gone through this. There's just something there in the pit of my stomach and I can't quite put my finger on it.

    Thank you all again for your help :) xx

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 272 New bride

    If you have your mum do it, it's not so much of an issue or a snub as if you asked Grandad, lots of people have Mum these days.

  • I couldn't have mum do it because she has MS and is in a wheelchair. If she could walk then I would definitely have her do it, it would be so much easier! Xx

  • Can you not have your dad and grandad walk you down the aisle? I am having both my dad and step dad walk me down the aisle and both are giving speeches as both are important to me. There is no rule saying only one person has to give you away.

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